The Bad Rim Job

Yesterday morning, I awoke to a flat tire.

This is the beginning of the bad rim job story.
This is the beginning of the lesson belonging to my mother's role in my life.

Yes, I have been struggling with accepting her affection; her love..I don't know how to accept those emotions, from her or from anyone, really...and now, I am learning...Acceptance has always been there, my perception to how I accept affection has been tainted. This Bad Rim Job is showing me how I am able to change MY perception to MY acceptance of affection.

My mom sent me a text message to tell me my the left back tire on my car, was flat. My response, "OK, Fuck!"
I was hoping she was wrong. Yeah, She was not wrong. I looked out the window and sure enough, my back left tire was flat. I made a little coffee and a little breakfast, sat down to eat and asked my mom to help me change the tire so I could take the tire up and get it fixed a a local tire shop.

Here is where my perception is screwed. I didn't ask to borrow her truck. I automatically assumed she would let me use her truck. She immediately put on warmer clothes to help me with the tire changing. No questions, not grumpiness... she simply helped me, because I asked. I accepted her help, easily. Am I able to accept her affection, just as easily...why have I made this sooooo difficult?

With teamwork, we were able to get the tire off of the car. I rolled the tire to her truck and threw it in the back. She gave me her keys and away I went.
No questions. I accepted her keys. I accepted her truck. This is easy. Accepting the physical parts of life. The reality is, even though I do not feel like I take advantage of situations, I do take advantage of her love for me. I expect her love to be there even when I do not accept her affection.

My childhood is not blurry. I did receive a limited amount of affection. The crazy thing, is...there was also a limited amount of physical items. Why do I make receiving the physical aspects of life easy, when the emotional is more fulfilling. Have I become superficial? I don't believe so, but... I have made affection's reception, superficial.

So, here I am. Driving my mom's pick up truck to the tire shop. The tire guy says, "sorry, this tire is not fixable, but I do have a used tire I can sell you, for $40." I smile and nod in agreement. Sigh with relief and go sit in the truck to wait...Five minutes later, the tire guy comes to the truck window and lets me know that he cannot fix the tire due to the rim. The rim is bent and a tire will not seal on a bent rim. He gives me the information to purchase a new/used rim or to have my rim fixed. the cost is between $110-$125... I cried. lots of tears. Frustrated. Extremely frustrated. I have so much faith in how the Universe provides and then something new comes along and BAM... I cry, because I get tired of the trouble. I am tired of money problems. I am tired of working so hard and spending money on car repair. Meanwhile, my mom texted to find out how everything was going and I let her know. I didn't mention to her that the rim had to be purchased at another location and upon arrival at home, she was ready to come out and help put the tire back on my car.

Here, once again...she was prepared to help me. I stormed passed her, went to my bedroom and began making calls to places for a new/used rim and to a place to repair my bad rim. I decided to go with the business that straightens bent rims. I went out to the kitchen and told my mom what was going on and that I needed to drive to Blue Springs to drop the rim off and then I would head on to work. I, of course was crying and fuming at my lack of luck and she said, "Dona, calm down."... really. Seriously. Do not tell me to calm down. I proceeded to let her know that I was not yelling at her, my tears are a response to my anger and stress at the situation and I needed to feel this emotion, to get passed the emotion.

Here, once again is where my perception is screwed. Why is the response to anger and frustration or stress easier to accept than affection or love? I am able to deal with all the other emotions in my life and yet, I choose to bypass love and affection. Writing this, is beginning to change how I perceive affection. Awareness is the beginning. The Bad Rim Job is teaching me one heck of a lesson. Okay, so I am crying, real tears...

Back to the Rim. I dropped it off and went to work, finished work and drove home. My Rim was supposed to be ready this morning. I called work to let them know I would be late. I intended on picking up the rim and  taking it back to the tire place and having that used tire mounted and going home to put the tire on the car and head into work. Seemed simple enough, until I called the Rim place. I was told my Rim was not only bent, but cracked and they would have to order in another rim. The new rim will not be in until sometime this afternoon.

I cried a few tears and considered how lucky I really am. I could have had a blow out or the rim could  have broken while I was driving and none of this happened. I am safe. My son is safe. My life is intact. So, I have to get a new rim and a new/used tire. Learn a lesson about affection/love and how my perception has been screwed. I am able to sigh with real relief. I am thankful for all the good things happening in my life. I am thankful for the Bad Rim Job.

Next, I will actually accept the affection/love which has always been there...by altering my perception.

And, hopefully....my tire will be all good by at least tomorrow. 

The Vagina Voice

Woman tho I am,
Feel me sing
Listen to me dream
Woman tho I am.

What is the vagina voice?
I am a woman.
I have a voice with a dream
I have a need with a purpose
I have a desperation with an exact intent
What does my voice say?
What did my voice do?
My vagina has needs
Not all are sexual needs
My love connects from my vagina to my heart
When I breastfed my son, I felt a pleasure inside my vagina.  Not a sexual pleasure, a satisfied pleasure. Something right was happening. The pleasure traveled up to my heart and warmth poured out as I embraced my nursing child.  This love is a deep love, a fulfilling pleasure.  How often do we grasp for this love, this pleasure and we are not sated. We close or heart to the pleasure of love and the voice.  We accept the in-adequate feeling convincing ourselves THIS is acceptable.  THIS is what I get.  THIS is what I deserve. 
We do not speak with our vagina voice.  We don't say, "I need to feel"..." I need more "... 
I want to feel you touch my heart while you touch my vagina.  Touch my mind, soul and physical body all at the same time. 
Speak from your vagina.  Speak from your intuition and your pleasure center, feel your heart sing out from your vagina.

LOVE and Live with pleasure... 

5/20/13

On This Harvest Moon

The full moon is a time to release what no longer serves you, or what you no longer need in your life or an aspect of yourself that you have outgrown.

To Harvest, is to REAP what you have sown… 
To bring in the fruit of your labor. 
To separate the Wheat from the Chaff….
To prepare for the Winter, the barren time… 

To begin, Center yourself and clear the clutter within. 
Meditate upon the sounds all around and begin to separate each sound from one another.
This Harvest moon, the Full Moon is in Pisces and this is a time of free flowing emotional energy!
Let the emotional energy flow in and throughout your body, mind and soul!! Be filled with love!

Consider the moment.
Consider the day.
Consider the week, the month and the past year!
Look through time and consider your life; your minutes…ask yourself,
What have I learned?
What have I learned?
What have I outgrown?
What baggage am I holding onto, in my life? Be it emotional or physical….

Begin the process of separating what is no longer serving you in this time period. Life is about living in the now. To be in the present we learn from the past and release. We move ahead without the excess baggage belonging to another life.

Next, write down your life lessons and give thanks for the lesson.
Write down what is not serving you in this time.
Visualize a broom sweeping and dusting your mind's corners...
Be thankful
Be thankful
Be thankful
Let the baggage go. Set the paper on fire, wash the burnt pieces away with water and let them fertilize the soil…

Prepare for celebration! Prepare for the bountiful harvest!
The good fruits of your labor to fill you with love and mercy!!
Illuminate your mind!
Create change for balance…
Burdens released, I step forward with the life's living fruit!
 I give to receive and receive to give again.

Personalize your Full moon ceremony. There is no right way. There is no wrong way. Be filled with love, your way is the right way!

I enjoy lighting candles and incense outside under the moon~sometimes I incorporate water…sometimes earth… sometimes only fire… sometimes all!
There are times when I want to be alone.
There are times when my son and I have the ceremony, together…
Sometimes friends come over and we all stand around a fire.. we each speak our words out loud, we cry and laugh and hug… we burn our words in the fire… we drink wine or beer…or water…
Other times, I will have a friend on speakerphone and we will do a moon ceremony together but separate…
Sometimes, I dance…
Sometimes, I sing…
Sometimes, I do both!

I am spiritual, not religious. I have tailored my moon ceremonies to my way of life. My beliefs. I urge you to do the same. Whether you pray to a god, goddess or nature… make This Time, your time…

Under The Harvest Moon!

Love's Angel

I have traveled the world
In search of truth
In search for love

Across time
Across the millennium
Many lives 

I have touched upon the secret
I have witnessed the beauty in death
I have tasted the bitterness in life

Alone, I have walked far into the night
Shadow, my sole companion
This life, this time is not for solitude

This time, 
This life
I am an love's angel

Sending love
Receiving love
Teaching love

Be an angel of love, with me
Send the light out into the night
Brighten the path and love

Let mercy become your friend
Let charity welcome hearts within
Breathe light, breathe love

Drink ambrosia's kiss
Dance in the wind 
Frolic with the grass

Let me love you
I will let you love me
Even if only for a time

Love proves to be free
Love across time
Love across the millennium








  

Embrace

Tasting your mouth
Lips touching lips and lips again
Tongues quenching the thirst, deep
Arms wrapped around arms
Arms intertwined with Legs
Hands holding hands and hands again
Embracing me
Embracing you
Embracing you
Hearts, Souls shatter
As the water fall flows
Plunging the depth, muscles quiver
Engaging one another and another again
Where does the pleasure end
Where does the pleasure begin
Holding your hand in mine
My hand caresses
Your hand pushes back a stray hair
I kiss your mouth
I kiss your mouth
Looking into your eyes, I see
Eyes looking back at me, smiling
Shared pleasure
Shared pleasure
Eyes closed tightly, feeling
Feeling, feeling
Open your eyes, sweet lover
Open your eyes
Watch and see
Watch your heart
Connect
Feel with your soul
And see with your eyes
There is where the truth lies

Strings

Oh play me your heart…
Strings, strumming
Bow bridging
My life up and down
Singing, swaying
I move to the beat
I move to the rhythm
Tears fly and hearts bleed
The music continues
The dance unending

Where do I pick up
A new beat
A new vibrato
How do I speed time
Faster than a 4/4 ratio
I need to sing
Yet the music carries me
Up, Down and around
Waltz with me
Waltz with me
While the strings play
The story my life sings.

A Louse Dream

Last night as I slept, I dreamt part of my scalp left side middle area of about an inch, itched. As I scratched my head, I found a Louse. All I could think is… How do I have LICE!!! In the dream I was transported to a time when my First Grade class was all checked for lice. I was called out as having the bugs. I had to sit in the hall and wait for my mom to pick me up. I had to wait a long time. Horrible feeling, like there was something wrong with me… and you know…all I could think is… My head doesn't itch. I don't have lice. So… My mom took me to the health department and I was rechecked, only to find out that I never had Lice. Only a bad case of dandruff. I remember feeling Numb. Embarrassed. Empty. Sitting in that quiet hallway, alone. Quite the experience for a little 6 year old. 

In this dream, I felt all those emotions and wondered how the heck did I get these bugs. How did I not know or feel them sooner. How was I gonna walk in to a drug store and pick up Lice Shampoo and not feel like I have the Plague. I felt empty and let go of all my emotions. The only way to handle the bugs, is to just do it. Get it over with. 

In part of the dream, I wondered…How long can I get away with having the bugs before people begin to notice. Can I hide them? Can I go through my days with the bugs and be MYSELF? The answer is no. Hiding something is not the way for me. Covering up for another, is not the way for me. I cannot truly be my Self when a parasite is affecting my life. Lice travel from person to person. Before long, I would be spreading the parasite and causing problems in other lives because I did not handle the situation in my own life. 

This morning, I looked up the meaning of Louse Totem and found this.

 Louse(Totem) (Lice) -- Being sucked dry by too many responsibilities or torn in too many directions by well-meaning people, the louse is a message to withdraw and resist being pulled into situations we do not wish for ourselves. Lice are parasitic creatures that require a host in order to exist and indicates that we are either asking too much from others or they are asking too much of us. http://spiritwalkministry.com/spirit_guides/bug__critter_spirits

I do have allot of responsibilities.  I do feel pulled in many directions. Torn in my responsibilities and in what I want. I do cater to myself when possible and shut down emotionally when the parasites in life begin to suck. I forget myself and go through the motions. Some situations are not for me and now is the time for me to see the parasite and quit being a host. Once the host is dry, the parasite moves on. Consider this… How does PLEASING everyone benefit me? When I am dried up and unable to give….They (collectively) move on. 

Consider, "Well-Meaning" People. Yes, they do mean well. They really do. Remember, their meaning is not your meaning. Their need is not your need. Their reason for sucking you dry, has nothing to do with you. Release them. They will find a new host. They always do. 

Consider yourself. Are you asking for too much from another? Have you become the parasite? Look into your meaning. Look into your needs and release yourself into your life. 

Life is about lessons. Learning and creating a better you. Examine your life. Discover your Self. Deepen your ability to be a greater YOU!

Daily, I work on my Self. I want to be the best person, possible. To me and everyone I am associated with… 

I am not the Best Person, yet… I am a work in progress and I will always find the lessons life offers. 

Namaste

Dona

Turning 40

I've turned 40, by the trial of fire. I love being 40, the age thing is amazing! I feel young and healthy. Well,I was sick the entire week prior to my birthday. I made it tho!! My little sister came up for the weekend, to celebrate our birthdays.

Our mother is a different kind of person. Every thing she does is to serve her. She knows my sister doesn't eat pork. Well, guess what was on the menu. Nothing but pork. No one sees her, the way my sister and I do. No one really knows the bull shit residing in her.

The day before my birthday, she brings her entire storage unit of boxes to my house. I have a small house. No room for storage. Everything is in the yard and on my front porch. She said she was going to go thru the boxes and throw away things, sell things and then give away things that didn't sell. So far, her keep pile is large. On my birthday, she was still going thru boxes...she depressed HERSELF and told me that she didn't do anything for my actual birthday because she was sad about all the things she read in the boxes. Dead people's belongings. Like bills and crap from long dead relatives. Those things should have been thrown away long ago.

I'm just hurt because she didn't consider me at all. I do everything for her. Everything. And I am still having trouble with her lack of considering me. When I always consider her. I would really love for her to move out of my house. She is the one person who irks me. Who stresses me.

And then I feel bad. Am I supposed to be more compassionate? More patient? How do I heal from this? She has an inability to reach my expectations of a mom. My expectations have always been low, for her...but I always keep this hope...

I don't even know that I want to see all the lessons in this..except, I will aspire to be amazing and caring to all in my life. Without her inability, I would not have my abilities.

I am still hurt and mad.

A little something about KARMA

KARMA defined~ the force generated by a person's actions held in Hinduism and Buddhism to perpetuate transmigration and in its ethical consequences to determine the nature of the person's next existence. http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/karma

To transmigrate is to go from one state of existence, to another. So many people "get" the whole concept of KARMA, wrong. I often see posts on social websites about the negativity of a persons actions and how KARMA will bite them in the ass. How is having a negative attitude toward another human being going to benefit you during your transmigration from Earth to your next existence. KARMA is not handled in this life. A person's way of being will be handled in-between lives and metered out in a personal way as depicted by the soul in question and warranted in their next life. KARMA is a personal way of keeping your spiritual life in check.

What I would like to see, is some positive connotations placed upon this word, KARMA. When you see someone doing something fantastic, comment upon the awesomeness and how KARMA is cool! Good KARMA is beautiful! Leave the judgments behind. Leave the negativity behind. Let us raise our energetic awareness to a point where we change the energy surrounding us. Turn negative energy to positive energy. Let us raise our own KARMIC awareness and let others join in on the energy train. 

Here is an example of a post I would like to see changed to something with KARMIC approval… 

One, Ignorant people do not realize anything. The definition of ignorant is~~~ 

a : destitute of knowledge or education <an ignorantsociety>; also : lacking knowledge or comprehension of the thing specified <parents ignorant of modern mathematics>

b : resulting from or showing lack of knowledge or intelligence~~~Merriam-Webster online dictionary

The definition shows the ignorance and vindictive nature of the person who created this diatribe. Let us watch our words and energy we put out in the world. I also hear folks say, KARMA is a bitch. I disagree. KARMA is not a bitch. KARMA IS what KARMA is to be, subjective and  personalized. 

Let us take time to watch our SELVES and feel the magic of who we are and how we are changing the world!!! 

KARMA is BEAUTIFUL!!! 

Much love to you and you and you!!! 

Namaste

Dona

Her Soul

In walks this woman
With her soul in her hands
A little bit of darkness
Her light shines
Essence of tragedy
Her soul beams
See her walk in
With her soul in her hands
There you find a woman
Made. Not Born
Birth cannot make this
Tragic Darkness shine
Her soul sings, divine
Her soul is terrifying
Her soul is alive

Human Heart

My human side is crying, tonight

I need to see my soul

Look deeply within my own eyes and see

All the lessons pertaining to me.

My soul is ancient

My heart is new

My spirit sings in breathlessness

My spirit sings to me

Comforts my aching humanity

How do I remember the dreams in my soul

How do I remember my place in life

How do I get past this mortal flesh and live, again

My Human side is crying, tonight

My Soul is holding onto me, tight

Ancient fire burning bright

Ancient answers living inside

Ancient, I am ancient

I am here for a purpose

For a message

And yet, I seek 

A human who does not exist. 

Oh, stay my heart from tears

Quiet my human burning

Quiet the story my flesh sings

Let me complete my purpose

The design I designed, just for me

My human side is crying, tonight

A couple of Visual Meditations

I enjoy meditation and seeking the inner realms. One night during a meditation, this is what I saw.
01/02/13
I saw a woman upon a dais. Wearing sky satin blue with the symbol of a left-sided crescent moon and a circle, between them.. two arrows. One pointing up and the other pointing down. Very similar to the symbol I use in my artist signature. CXO…only her way feels right and my way was not correct, it was close but now I know my sigil.

She had a baby. She was Royal
Dark hair and green eyes. She wore the crescent moon upon her forehead-a band around her head.
She was lovely and graceful and loved the child. The dais was opulent and luxurious.

A lion gave me my sword, from his mouth came my protection.
the sword was placed upon my hands
The lion spoke to me-of my protection, of my courage and of my valor

I saw smoke rolling and fire behind me, I was short and seeing through the eyes of a child, saved-the only survivor by a man and a woman in a carriage
I was told that I have always been alone
never feeling as tho I belong
I have sought the sigil of protection many times, I am a seeker and a finder.
I always find what I seek.
Even tho I am alone, I am not really alone, not ever because I always find what I need. In this, I am protected.

this evening of the third morning of the fourth, I seek my sigil, my protection, the meaning.
01/04/13
As I begin, I lie before me Rock of Earth, Crystal as water, Candle as fire and incense as air. Manuscripts of sigils and symbols, pen, pencil, journal of the angels, a wand and selenite. Including my hand written journal. Around my neck is my male/female athame set. To begin the circle, I will use a thin knitted scarf, woven by me, connected.

Within the knitted circle
Sit I
Strings woven
Interwoven Connecting all of life.
Air around me
Stir Round and round
Create a circle fair
Create a circle wide
Protect my thoughts
Protect my dreams
That I might see
A sigil about me
A sigil of my ancestry
Protection
Grounding
Inner Sight
Let this sigil be seen
So mote it be.

I was a bit trepidations as I began my journey.
Flickering candlelight ans sandalwood incense, no music, only my breath and the ringing sound of silence with a higher octave of intention. I could see the flickering light behind closed eyes and almost felt the light was an interruption. I saw myself waking into a meadow where my large oak tree lived and was my Asian bald man monk. in an orange robe, smiling at me and bidding me welcome. I had trouble staying there. yet, he was guiding me. I don't remember the worlds. flickering light and Adele's song "Rolling in the deep" kept playing in my head, then I went deeper within the higher octave ringing and my mind connected with greater expanse. Everything turned to liquid. Here, I was still hiding onto fear. Spider was there, leading me to connect mind to heart to greeter expanse. My heart beat with anticipation and fear of letting go. Spider said, you are holding tightly onto your fear. and I said, I know. And I yelled out my desires of all that I wanted and that I wasn't. Spider told my to trust. I said I would trust. Spider said let go of your protection and I let go. As I lied upon my bed, I gave myself to spider to lead me into the dream. Candles out, closed eyes and I could see her web. I could see her and her womb was painted with stars. She said come and I followed her into the dream. You don't have to be afraid. Do not use fear as your protection for it will bind your.

There are a couple of visual meditations… I have more written down… There are some cool lessons within the visions… they have deep meaning for me. Basically how and  who I am is deeply interwoven in the visual meditations. Some may not fully "get" what I have written…and that is okay… The ones who will.. will.

The Dead Are Living In My Mind Tonight

Flashes of faces come and go

Memories like pictures fade

Until the moment they live again

The mind is awkward 

The mind is strong

A scent of perfume 

A lost love song

A simple scarf around a neck

A smile from one face to another

And I see you, alive again

I remember you

I remember the first moment our eyes connected

The way you walked in your heels

The dress you were wearing

So beautiful

My surprise, when you smiled at me

Your first hello

Flashes of you 

Flashes of you

You and I, friends 

We became friends that night

You are alive in my mind, tonight

Living and walking

Breathing and being

Your energy touching mine 

I feel

Tangible words do not exist

Because you smiled

And I smiled

We met and our lives collided 

There is unfinished business between us

You are dead and I am living

Your energy is calling

Your energy is a reminder

A beautiful reminder

My tears are for the loss 

Your awkward grace

Your misshapen hands

And tilted feet

I remember you

The Path Of Woman

The path of Woman 

And her way

Her being

Strength and beauty

Determination and Triumph

Where is her path

Where does life begin

Her Womb weeps tears

Blood red tears

Heart wrenching and Heart clenching

Breathe in peace

Breathe in hope

Breathe in Death

With Death we change

We grow

We become older 

Gracefully older

Wisdom weeps

Wisdom seeks

Wisdom engages

Love is in her hand

Her hand holds many hands

Those hands hold onto hearts

Those hearts remain open

Hear the song of woman

Hear her song 

She is peace

She is beauty

She is lovely

Dance with her dream

Around a fire

With drums 

We shall weep together

We shall weep together

We shall embrace one another

Embracing the Time

Embracing the World

Embracing the Soul

Hearts lifting up 

Hearts lifting up

yeah...

Mourning Love's loss

I am still in mourning.
I am a bit angry because of the feelings.
I am sad.
I am not an unhappy person.
I ache, on the inside
for what could have been
For what isn't.
For the memory,
The one that did not happen
Sometimes, you understand and you understand and you understand
And then you still understand…
Until the understanding feels like an excuse…
I always tell what I feel
I always say to folks, what it is….inside me
The "what is" always seems to backfire.
Then the time comes, when I cannot say what I feel anymore
Because what I feel…doesn't really matter
What I feel is of no consequence…
I heard today, you will find someone, Dona..
You are sooooo beautiful…you have to have lots of folks knocking down your door…
no…
no…no
I don't.
Either I get scared…or they get scared
Or the relationship is taboo… yeah…freaking taboo.
How do you stop the mourning
When the ones you want, you see…often…
A look and a smile… a quick glance… and look away…remembering…
I can't even be totally honest about the whole affair on here…
And I want to be…honest about it all…so bad…
How do I stop feeling the yearning, for what isn't?
How do I stop the feeling?
I really don't know.
I don't have the answers… and I don't want to salve the wound with someone new
unless, that is what I need to do…no
And then I get scared…cause I want to say…something simple.. Like, I really miss you…
yet, I feel stupid in the whole act of saying those words…
Would the words mean the same to me as to the recipients?
I am really getting to old for this, for these feelings…
I don't want to bury the emotions…
yet, I want to un-feel them… because I cannot see the fairness of my mourning when I do not know if I am being mourned in return….
how do I stop this mourning?
I cry… I write..
I cry…I draw..
I cry…I create wire-wrapped tree pendants
I cry…I create dream catchers

and there…is nothing else…except lots of laundry and kitty litter…and a kid to raise and jobs to go to…and a car to drive and dogs to feed…and this life I live…and care for…on my own…
maybe I am lucky.
till I look around and see so many people together making life work…and then there is me…I do make my life work…I am tired of doing it alone…and tired of being loved as only a friend…I need to whole fricken thing…and I think I have lost the ability to have a real relationship…I never had the ability to have a real relationship…
so, here…I hide
Cover my wounds with tears
Cover my wounds with duct tape, so no one will see…
duct tape…yeah, I said duct tape…the pretty pink camouflage kind

A Song Beginning

A song Beginning

I feel a song beginning

The birth of a new tune 

A melody rich in caresses

A heart deeply enriched in goodness

I feel a song beginning.

Connect me to your energetic waves

An unmanned radio station, waiting

An analog signal vibrating, silently

Waiting for the time

Waiting on the wire

Antenna's perked and ready

The signal long since…waiting

Hear me now

Oh roar in the night

Hear me, I hear you beginning

There is a note in the file

A fire in the bookcase

A song in the heart

A toy in the chest

A dog outside, wandering

And I can hear your song beginning

Words spoken, they don't matter to me

I feel the intensity 

I feel your analog dream

You are awake in my reality

Connect me to your energetic waves

An unmanned radio station, waiting

An analog signal vibrating, silently

Waiting for the time

Waiting on the wire. 

yeah…there is a song, beginning

So, sing it already...

Jewel Of The Night

Jewel of the night

She is lost and alone

Her heart is bare, open to the sky

Listening, she sings a song lingering in tune

Crying, she knows

She is alone

Her heart is empty

Her heart is empty

Her heart is empty

Goddess singing 

Heart reeling

Mother Earth listening

Father Sky enchanting

Raindrops dance upon the land

Laughter ripples, the grass grows

She turns round and round 

Hair spinning all around

Shaking her head to the sky

Shaking her head to the earth

Arms in the air

Fists rocking as the vibrations enrich to her tune

She feels the land

Feels the life

Hears the wind and feels the rain

The sun breathes upon her neck

The trees move

Dancing to her beat

Lightning flashes and Thunder roars

The land lights up and the clouds Grow more

She stomps her foot

She stomps her foot

Left then right then left again

She moves to the tune living in the land

Living in the sky

She is life eternal

She is a Jewel of the night

She is a jewel of the night

She reaches with heart and hands to the sky

Surrender

Surrender

She surrenders to truth

There, she curls within herself

And sleeps with the earth.

Music Feels Me

Music is my home.
The sound of music rippling all around my ears
I smile.
I feel the moment the music makes…
I feel love
I feel sadness
I feel the anger
and the happiness…
All the emotions of music live inside
Sweeping the corner and finding me
Finding my soul
Reflections and refractions of truth
Harsh realities spoken and music…oh, the music

I am kinda sad today
I am feeling the hurt again~of all the lost opportunities of love
I can say, all day long…I am seeking my forever..and my energy pushes away all the bullshit..
Well…is that bull shit?
I don't know how to be loved.
No one has ever expressed their love to me in a way that I am able to understand.
I know I am able to express my love~yet~I do not often express the emotion often

Abandoned love, from a father. My father. He did not know how to accept me. My parents separated before my birth and divorced by the time I was 3 months old. He was not in my life. The unfortunate thing…I saw the love my father had for my older brother. I saw the lack of emotion he carried, for me. Not only ''saw" it… I felt the lack, therein. I remember thinking in feelings…I didn't let it matter, because I did not know how to feel love for this man..this man who was sporadically involved in my life. This man who I was supposed to call Dad…and could not even form the words in my mind…I did not know how to say to him, "hey Dad"… Whenever I spoke of him, he was… My Real Dad… and that is how I thought of him. My Real Dad. The man who was responsible for my genetics. That was all.. I was empty on the inside, crippled emotionally…his love broken…

My mother abandoned me, emotionally when she married my step-father. He was a jealous man. She was afraid he would harm my brother and I if she showed us affection. At three years old and my mother abruptly ended all physical affection for my older brother and I.

I knew I was loved. I knew my love took second place. I did not feel important. I did not matter. I settled myself into this role. Into this way of being. I always took second place. Somehow, I justified the emotions. I never have felt important enough to be loved…and I have fallen into a pattern of taking the back seat.

So, how do I love? How do I accept Love in Love's fullest form… Tonight, I hugged my mom for the first time in years.. because the feeling came upon me and said to hug her… we both needed the hug…

And see.. all this "abandoned" love.. I do not feel sorry for myself.. this isn't a feel sorry for Dona Rant.. it is just what it is.. the way I feel..in this moment…I love my son…and I show him, always.. I love my friends.. and sometimes..I show them how I feel…sometimes..

I had a dream of my ex again.. and we were together.. which is unacceptable. I awoke kinda mad that I even entertained the idea of being with him, in a dream… We had just had sex…and he asked to borrow my car….I asked if he was going to go see a woman in my car…and he said.. don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to…and so, I asked him again…and he was honest with me..said yes.. I am going to see my wife… and I accepted it…because I am not important enough…

I want to be more than what was… because I am more than what was… so much more…
all of my past has conspired to create me to be an amazing woman.. I am amazing.. I am wonderful. I am worthy of love…love and loving…

I am looking forward to the amazing.. because lately I have surrounded myself with working relationships.. people who are together and making their lives work because of how much they love one another.. I want that kind of love…for me and for the one who loves me… a mutual affection…respect…desire… I need to be involved with someone amazing…and I will never abandon the love for my son for the love of another…my own childhood taught me this important lesson…

Empty Shell

I am an empty shell
Empty
Fill me with your beauty
That I might know how to be
I don't know how to be
Who am I, really?

I travel this world, whispering
There are truths to know
There is a way to be
And I am empty
Unfilled and devoid of living matter
Who am I, really?

I do not feel anything
For anyOne
I do not care about your life
I do not know your life
There is only mine
Who am I, really?

There is this face
I wear
Daily I put on the mask
Of care and consideration
Daily, I pretend
Who am I, really?

I would like to think
I care
I want to be considerate
Yet, there is nothing inside
Nothing inside me
Who am I, really?

I feel the tragic beauty
Filling me and my soul
All I can do is feel the wonder
The compassionate beauty and cry
I cry out!
Who am I, REALLY?

How is it I feel
All this amazing love
And not know how to express love
I don't know how to be
How am I a vessel for love
Who am I, really?

You don't understand
I scream
You really don't understand
This love pouring within my heart
Debilitates me
Who am I, really?

Wouldn't a pure vessel know
Wouldn't a pure soul realize
How to explain the light
How to be with the love
How to love other souls
Who am I, really?

I shake me head
I shake my heart and body
I feel, always
I always feel this pure love
This love shakes me
Who am I, really?

To know this pure love
To feel this pureness
How do I feel for anyone else
Trapped in this rapture
Confined
Who am I, really?

Help me
Before I burst
Help me teach others how to feel
This amazing love
So that I can learn to love
Who am I, really?

I am an Empty shell
Filled with light
Filled with love
Human
I am a Human
This is who I am, Really

Absent Lover

Heart tugging gently toward your heart
I feel your touch
Your absent caress
How is it I long for you
How is it, I miss you
I have never even met you

I ache for your touch
Your tender look
Passion and desire
I remember what you feel like
As I hold you close
I remember in a dream
A dream of you
Holding me
Holding you

I keep the memory of you
Deep within my soul
My heart is tugging toward you
How is it I miss you
When I have not even met you
How is it I long for you
When I have never even touched your lips

Kiss me deeply
My absent lover
Kiss me with passion
Hold me closely
Hold my hand
Remember me
Remember me
I ache for you
As you ache for me

Times caress connects our hearts
Times caress keeps us

Unlistened

Words…spoken…unheeded…ears closed…time and time again…
As the wind blows across the waters
My words blow from left ear to right ear
Lessons unlearned
Life un-lived
Truths told
How many breaths must I continue to express
How many tears must I cry for you
Away from you
You are not allowed to see the torment
Your ignorance causes
Find your personal power
Find your strength

Find your authenticity

There you will find my words

Blowing in the wind

Comforting and loving

Drying your tears

Until then, I cannot help you

I cannot support you

I turn my back to you

From you

Away from you

Words spoken

Unheeded

Ears Closed

Time and time again….

Destiny

Destiny weaves her humble threads

Speaking softly

Trembling fingers see in the dark

Music plays

The dream begins

Anchored in Reality

Accepting fate with faith

And Walking the narrow line

Between Dream and Reality

Stardust falls upon the chords

Sparkling lights gleam

The message, sent

The message, received

Her soul quickens

Breathless, as the energy fills 

She is intertwined within the tapestry

Belonging to someone else’s life

Ragged breath and Bloody knees

She surrenders to the inevitable. 

Venting

Sometime, the words I hear from the mouths of those I hold dear…amazes me. I have a great friend. I have known him since I was 19 years old. We dated for a while and I realized he was a total ASS, to women…I ended the relationship. Years later, we ran into one another again and began a lasting friendship. I told him, we could never be intimate yet I believe he could be a great friend. He has proven to be a wonderful friend to me…He is one of the first people I told about my disease and he has been wonderfully supportive!

What I want to vent about, is the way he is in his relationships and the things he says~~~~
He began seeing a woman several years ago. She is a nice woman, sometimes: when she isn't on crack…LOL, really. One of the issues in their relationship is his fidelity. He refuse to be faithful to her. Some folks get off on open relationships. This guy, wants to be able to sleep with whomever he wants and his girlfriend cannot. He also expects her to accept him the way he is…except he does all of his cheating behind a lie. He lies to her and says that he is not cheating. He has at least three other women dangling from a string at all times. He builds them up with words of love and the knocks the love down and then comes back in like a screwed up hero to caress their tears and feed on their insecurity.

I always call him out on this behavior. I always tell him to stop. Many women over the years have called me to ask for advice about staying involved with him. I never lie. I don't tell them blatantly that he is cheating. I do, however tell them that if they are not happy now, they will not be happy later. Do what makes you happy. Needless to say, this last girlfriend of his, broke his "heart". She was tired of all his BS…

So, he says to me…what is wrong with me…I have a job, I have a car, I have been tested and I am clean… I am a great catch.

I looked at him and said…No…you are not a good catch and are you trying to imply that I am not clean. Seriously. You are a dick. You treat women like shit. Why would any woman want to stay involved with a man who treats them like shit. I on the other hand am an amazing catch. I might have a disease…but, I am honest and loving and I don't treat people like shit. There are way too many folks out there being assholes…you want a good woman, start being honest and it might happen.

Last week, he told me that he had been "sleeping" with his neighbor and he called to see what she was doing and her reply was, I have been sick all morning, puking… His first thought was OH NO… she is pregnant because he has not used a condom with her. While he is telling me this story, I am fuming…so angry…MAD. I said STOP… Why are you not keeping your shit covered! You know what happened to me. You KNOW! Why are you not protecting yourself…and if you don't want kids…damn… PROTECT yourself and the woman you are sleeping with! Needless to say…she is not pregnant… just had the flu…Thank goodness!

Two days ago, he tells me that he has started talking to his ex again. Like I said, she is nice and she deserves someone to treat her well and with love. So I told him, You are not allowed to ever talk bad about her again and if you are going to be involved with her then you have to be faithful. Treat her right. Then he proceeds to tell me about another woman he met. I cut him off… and said, if you are going to start seeing your ex again, you are not allowed to tell me anything about any other woman, ever again. I am tired of this.

He thanked me, profusely. He even told me what I said was exactly what he needed to hear….

Why can't people treat people right. Why is he so good to me and when he is involved with someone, sexually…he turns into a complete and total ass….???? What is it with us… We are a screwed up race of people… I know…not all of us are like this…but, damn…I see so many people settling for toxic relationships… I cannot settle. I am still mad at him.