Feeling things out

Seriously, I am touching the wind.
I have had an interesting life. Hah, yeah...
I became acquainted with death and desertion at a very young age. For years, I told myself that I understood what both meant. Did I really?
Yeah, not so sure about it now.
The first death that I experienced, was my step-grandma. I remember not knowing how to feel. There she lay, a woman who liked me and taught me how to make home-made noodles...(I was pretty young when she taught me, considering that I was only 7 when she passed away)I remember my mother telling me that it was alright to touch her. She was cold and I didn't expect to feel what I felt, nothing. All I knew, was that she was not there and never would be, ever again.
The next one, was my father. His death was savage, cancer ate away every ounce of flesh on his body, I remember him looking at my brother and I and wondering why we were visiting, it hurt him to see us see him dying...This memory is a tough one for me and even now, I cry. The next time that I saw him, he was in this casket. I was 8 years old. I remember seeing a bald, old man in the casket where my father was supposed to lay and I went to every room in that building, looking for my dad. Of course, my family found me and assured me that the man in the casket was my father. That was hell of an assurance. They took me back up to see him and I looked at this man and wondered how he could be my father. My father was beautiful and young and this man was old and tiny...People all around me kept saying how he was in a better place and I wondered how any place could be better and that it wasn't fair because I barely knew him so once again, how could it be better? My brother cried. I cried, I cried more for my brother than for me, because I all knew was that my father was not there and never would be, ever again.
See, I knew that I would be okay. I had this step-father. He had been my step-dad since I was 3 years old. I loved him and I hated him. He ripped me up emotionally and aided in the lack of confidence that I had for most of my childhood through my teens...There were times when he was a real dad to me and other times when I hated him so much that I wanted to rip his flesh with my fingernails and dig until I ripped off lengths of flesh...yeah, pretty harsh and violent...I know...
Life was pretty interesting when you feared, hated and loved someone. There are whole stories within stories that I don't feel necessary to divulge at this time.
Needless to say, my mom and step-dad divorced and he was gone. Just like that. I hated him and was happy to have him gone and at the same time~I missed him and didn't understand why I felt the way I felt...It was pretty confusing for me. The hardest part was the finality of it all. I went from having this "dad" figure in my life, to having none and I had no closure and I felt abandoned.
Life went on and I had animals, dogs, horses, cats, rabbits and even ducks. They came and they went. Some due to death and others due to being sold or given away. None of these were my choice...at each occurrence, whether in death or going to a new home, I felt abandoned. I felt a little peiece of my heart being ripped from my body and I didn't know how to feel or express what I felt. Once they are gone...how do you tell them how you feel?

So, I figured that it would be so much easier not to love anyone, anymore. And, I stopped loving. Anytime anyone got to close, I pushed them away...and ran. I told myself that I was happy and that this was my safety. Although, deep down inside...I wanted to be loved. I still want to be loved. I need to be loved the way I love.
And so, here it is...why this is all coming up. My ex is coming to town. (the one man that I let myself love) He left. I had no closure and felt abandoned. I was abandoned, there is no feeling to it...the guy left and didn't have the decency to even tell me...honestly, that sucks...He hurt me and he hurt my son. So, he will be in KC, tonight and I will probably see him tomorrow. I want to give my son the opportunity that I didn't have and tell this man how he feels.
I have already told him how I feel...
He knows it was wrong. He has not heard it from my son's mouth.

The hardest part, is knowing that he is out there...Choosing to be away...
So, here I am. Feeling the wind. He says that he loves me and wants things to be like they were~that he doesn't feel at home unless he is with me...
Is this a ruse?
Am I a necessity because all other options have run out?
Is the love that he says he has for me, real and true?
How do you reach out and touch the wind and really know the truth?
yeah...

Memories

Memories 

I liked them all. A twelve year old girl hanging with the boys. They were so cool and easy to hang with~ Boys...all cute and full of vigor and excitement! I had a crush on them all and could configure how we would hold hands and maybe even kiss! A little girls innocent dream. 

I never felt very pretty. Never even had an inkling that boys would even be attracted to me, so...I became their buddy...well, and when you think about it, boys were so much easier to hang out with than girls...girls were always flaky and fake...liking a person one day and trying to get everyone to hate someone else, the next. I never wanted to take sides and went to some extremes to keep away from the traumatic drama of girls...

So, boys...yep...The boy I had the most crush on...I hardly ever talked to, when I looked at him I saw fire pouring from his veins, he was the great Vesuvius and I was not ready to be burned! More often than not, I would give him a quick look and then look away...hmmmm...sweet memory
The other boys, talking and laughing and playing ball! I would have dated any of the boys that I had a crush on! Hahah! I just never had the guts to let them know the depth of my attraction! LOL probably a good thing! Had I been as bold as I am now...I would have been a SO much trouble!

Even in high school, I hung out with boys...friended them without the thought of ever dating one of them! Didn't stop the crush factor...They were all so cute! I never had the confidence to pursue them in any way other than friendship! 

My first boyfriend, I didn't even know how to be a girlfriend. I was 16 years old and never been kissed...and then, I was kissed! So much fun, kissing and hickeys! Nothing better than that, unless it was drinking a beer with a straw just so you could get a "buzz" quicker! 
He wanted to hold my hand at school, I was afraid...how do you show emotion in front of strangers? Well, friends...people that I didn't even like~Yeah, I didn't even know how to hold his hand...I wasn't a good first girlfriend...and we didn't make it...
MY 2ND boyfriend, we took each others virginity...it was so exciting until penetration...that was pretty damn crazy, none of the historical romances that I read prepared me for that feeling or the feeling afterwards...
He wanted to marry me...I told him no...How could I marry him? We had the rest of our lives to experience and school to finish...No, I couldn't marry him...Did I love him? yes...I did, I just knew that I had  many other parts of life to experience before I became a wife...
We didn't make it...I am so happy about that! He ended up meeting a distant relative of mine and marrying her...and then going to prison for armed robbery...Guess I have made some interesting choices hahah! 

After that, I kept to a strict pattern...never telling the guy I was most attracted to, that I was attracted...and then hanging out with guys that were friends and if I did date a guy, I didn't show emotion, because how do you show emotion to the whole world~friends or even to people that you don't like?
When the guy fell for me, I fell back and went away...
I figured it was easier to not love...easier to keep from getting hurt and guess what...I hurt people in that process...

Pretty sure I am doing a penance now...

I have learned, I am able to love selfless-ly
Is it too late?

I once wore bloomers, bright red bloomers made by by a blind woman so I could be Amelia Earhart in a school skit...
Where did the time go? 

The Graveyard is not my home

01/06/11

Creativity evaded me, for a while. Words did not flow from my fingertips...the way that they should. I have been quiet. 
The silence is not the right place for me, my voice needs to be heard~the sound to ring out loud to all who have the ears to hear.
Sometimes I hear the grave calling to me. Sometimes I wonder if I am really alive. Am I living in a fantasy of life?
Some days are hazy and some are not. Minutes trickle by in the memory of thought and I feel no pain. I feel no fear. Life is here and life is there. What happens, happens and that is about all there is to say about that!
I don't have the answers.
I do have questions.
The same questions that you ask and the same answers that you seek~why do "we" make things so hard for one another? I am wondering what is going on in the world and I know I am not the only one. 
Have you ever dreamt of the grave? Have you ever taken yourself to a graveyard and wondered how it felt to call that place home? I have. The day that shattered my reality into believing in my final destiny, took me to that graveyard. I put myself upon my father's grave and looked around wondering what it would feel like to call that spot my home. I wondered, should I die now and save the world the trouble of watching me suffer. My father suffered in his disease. I remember. That memory reminded me to stay strong and fight for life and not accept the disease invading my body. I cannot and will not ever let my son see me dying, the way I watched my father suffer. 

My disease has no name. Not today... 
My disease has a voice and a motive.
Mine will create change and inspire growth in the lives all those who know me and those I have yet to meet...

Some days I am tired. I sleep. When I awaken, I think about what is available for me to live a healthier life. The right foods and proper mix of exercise are amazing! I will not lie to you, I am afraid. I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of suffering and the inability to care for myself. I am afraid for my son to see me, the way my brother and I saw our father. This fear is not a real fear, it is one derived from strength and determination to be the best that I can be and to inspire courage! 

I take myself back to the grave and I look around with the knowledge that this is not my time to be here, not now...my circle is not complete, not yet. I have to have time to tell a story about my rebirth into life. 

Let Hope Live...?

The world is a crazy place.
Who defines love?
Who creates the simple tunes that life leads us toward?
Is it me?
Is it you?
What role do I play in your life?
What is my place in this wide expanse called earth?

How do I love?
I love with my whole heart and being. I put all of who I am, into who I love.
I love in passionate beauty.

All I have ever wanted, was to be loved the way I love.
Love me in passionate beauty
Love me in truth and in honesty.

I am not a complicated creature, I am a woman who is tired of hoping and a woman who has not given up on hope.

Who are you to take hope from me?
Really, I take hope from myself when I become disappointed. So, don't disappoint me...
I can turn that on to myself as well. I become disappointed because of my expectations. I expect people to be like me and when they fall below the standards that I set for myself, I am disappointed. In reality, people are people. I too, have disappointed others. I am not perfect for every person...just as every person is not perfect for me.

See, I have loved the same man for years. He is smart and funny and makes me feel like I am a million dollars and worth every penny until he disappears. When he disappears, it feels like I have never existed for anyone and then he will pop back up and make me "feel" again...boy, I will feel him and be with him and love him all over again...He brings this hope back up and it flows and fills my heart til I am sure that I will burst...Then the inevitable happens and he crushes the hope, crushes the love and destroys me, for a time...
I don't let things get me down, but loving him is never certain...
How do I get him to really understand what happens to me and others, when he disappears?
Is it my place to create this reality in him?
Does he understand this, without my telling him?
Does he even care?

When we are together, it feels right.
When he is gone, I feel lost and incomplete...
Will he be able to complete me, this time?
Will I be able to let him try?