What is Love?

Have you ever truly loved another? Looked deep within their soul and "see"?
I have.
I do not love, often. To love another person is rare and a gift, a choice even…

How to count the shades of love and never lie…hmmmm how?
There are many depths to feeling this love. Love is a sorrowful pleasure, achingly bittersweet…
Tragic even.

Few people have known the touch of my love. Many people know my kindness. Many people know my touch of camaraderie. But, to feel my love…a whole other story.

I never expect anyone to like me. People do like me. Liking me is simple because I am easy to like. I smile and you smile, I laugh and you laugh and you get the picture. The whole idea is to be liked and I am always surprised at how much people like me.

When someone feels romantic interest in me, often I do not know how to feel. I do not know how to react. I do not know what to do. More often than not, I will push the romantic interest away because I am not prepared to love that person in the way they deserve to be loved.

There are a select few who I let "in". To those who I have let in, the love was amazing and wonderful for a time. I fall deeply in love…I crash hard when the love time ends.

And it doesn't matter how often I understand the reasons why the love does not work out. It really doesn't matter at all, I need the time to grieve the love I am missing. I need the time to deal with the feeling of loss, where there once was hope. This takes time. This takes too much time and too many tears. I understand all the reasons why things don't work out but, it does not change all the words I heard while we were involved. It does not change.

I look at my own decisions and my decisions are based upon my happiness and when someone or something does not make me happy~I change things. I cannot have this unhappiness in my life.

I look at this most recent situation I was involved in~I went in, knowing what it was…the relationship was not supposed to evolve to emotional feelings. It was supposed to be fun and simple and then things escalated out of proportion. Loving emotions happened all the way around. I don't even know how it happened. The timing is wrong. The relationship is not an easy one for people to accept. The other party needed time to focus and deal with life situations.

My unhappiness was paramount. The relationship cannot be what I need a relationship to be and I was let go~ I was let go because I deserve someone to be able to openly love me and be involved with me. I deserve someone able to love me the way I need to be loved.

I feel lonely and sad. I understand every word spoken. I understand the agony on both sides of the coin. I understand the need to be happy. I understand how life gets in the way and how the roller coaster of life takes your breath away. What I don't understand, is how to stop loving, abruptly.

I don't know how to let go of these emotions, when all I want to do is reach up and out and hold on tight. I didn't even care about the roller coaster ride, as long as I had those arms to hold me tight.

The thing I have to remember, is…it is not always about me. Sometimes, we have to think about the other person. We have to consider how the emotions affect their lives… I am understanding. I am remembering.

I don't have these emotions for any one else. I don't want to lie in bed with anyone else. I don't want to feel this emotion for anyone else.  If I had never heard the words, I Love You… this would have been simpler. Because, right now in this moment all I want to do is wrap my arms tightly around and sink deep within~snuggle closely and sleep feeling secure in what could be so freaking awesome.

So, I feel slighted. I feel like it is unfair for me to have to feel this sadness, alone. The relationship has not ended entirely. We are still friends. We do care for each other, deeply. You know, it isn't even about sex. The emotional intimacy is what bonds me. I miss that. I miss the simple caress. The eye contact. The warmth of being held securely.

I am trying to be okay with all of this. I am really trying. I even tried dating a couple of other people…and nope… not so good. I was not attracted to nor felt the need to be intimate with them…

So, I am writing what I feel in hopes of a better feeling and less tears. Less wanting. Less yearning for something that is not gonna happen…even tho I keep hoping it will… fuck. How do I go back to the original feeling of not knowing how to be liked. Not expecting anyone to like me. How do I return to that place, knowing that I was loved and I loved… How do I just STOP.?

That is just it, I don't want to stop. I don't have to stop loving. As I said before, the grieving process is important. I will grieve and I will always love. The energy of my love will continue to go out to the universe and one day, my love will return. Not sure of the form yet…but damn it all… it better be some kind of awesome and wonderful because that is the energy I am putting out…

Sister Of The Moon

Crescent light

And a ring of fire

Brightly illuminating paths

One road to another

One dream

One story

One song

Hear the dance unfold

Hear the light make merry

And the trees shimmer

As the energy unfolds

And the roads converge together

Leading one soul to another

Tambourines dance and sway

The bells play

Silver lights and candlelight

Watch their eyes burn

Watch then, as their hips sway

Watch them come together

Sisters of the moon

Sisters of the light

Sisters of the night

Sparkling lights glisten

Sister, souls listen

Dreamers hear the song

Mystics play along

Fire dances

Moon, beams brilliantly

As hands clasp

And power grows

Feel the electricity of the night

Feel the coolness of the light

Feel me, sister

Sister of the moon

Sadness

I don't remember a time when I did not have some kind of sadness living with me. I have a wonderful friend who said to me, "Dona, I wish to God that you did not wear your heart on your sleeve. I swear I want to cut it off. Why can't you be more like me and not give a fuck?"

I can't help it. I do give a fuck. I remember when I didn't care. I remember when I didn't love. I remember the many times I brushed a person off because it was easier than being hurt. Karma is a bitch. Karma is biting my ass, right now.

Do you know how many people I pushed away. Kicked them out of my life. Yelled at them and said   horrible things, because I didn't want to be loved. I didn't want to lose anyone. So I chose not to have anyone.

I grew up knowing loss and heartache. I washed the sorrow down with creek water and splashed my face with the cold realization, life sucks. It is what it is and that is all.

The one time that I really gave in and gave my heart away, the man gave me HIV. I can't return the blasted thing. I feel really sad right now, in this moment. I feel sad and alone.

I don't know how to shake this feeling. I don't know how to cut my heart off of my sleeve. Because, I really do care. I really do love. I really do feel heartache, right now.  I miss what could have been. What could be. What should be…because I never did.

Present Time:
I fell deep and hard and fast. Too fast, I lost my breath and time passed, time moved far too quickly.
The falling came to an end. Way too fast. Before I was ready to let go. I am still having problems with the letting go. How do you suddenly stop feeling. How do suddenly stop showing the feeling. How do you keep behaving, like nothing ever happened. I am doing my best to be the graceful and beautiful loser. I won't ask for it back. I won't beg for what cannot be. I am pretending to be okay with everything, and I am not okay with everything. I went in, head first. Not realizing what was going to happen. Not realizing the depth of emotion. Not realizing how deeply we could feel. I feel a little tortured and lost.

I cried on my friend's shoulder. He told me not to get deeply involved. He told me that I would end up feeling the way I feel, now. I shrugged off every word he said, because I enjoyed the moment…

I miss you
I miss you
I love you
I love you

Really and truly.
I will be okay, in time…sad for a while and then all will be well…
The writing helps.
Writing heals me and helps me feel what I am feeling, in words…
Otherwise, I feel all these emotions without words…and that, my friends, sucks…
and, blogging helps me release the emotion.

Beautiful Loser

Softly, I walk away

Gently, I tremble

Sadly, I say goodbye

I am a beautiful loser

Graceful, I slip away 

Into the dark night

This graceful beauty I carry

Is a loser's only friend

You say you love me

I say, I love you

You say I am amazing

I deserve the best

In the end, I lose

They all say the same story

The same line

They all will tell another

She is the best woman I know

She deserves the best that life offers

Softly, I walk away

Gently, I tremble

Sadly, I say goodbye

I am a beautiful loser

Graceful, I slip away

Into the dark night

When I love, I love

With the whole of my being

My soul intertwines with your soul

I always feel the end before it begins

I always know

Gracefully, I let you go

I wonder, when will I get what I deserve

Who will be brave enough to let me win

When will I be brave enough to let another win

This story does not end

This story does not begin

I am ever the beautiful loser