Take It From Me.

Dreams dance by

Twilight hours

Peaking at the moonlight

I sing into the night wind

Wondering, when…When?

When will the moonlight call me

Be my bride my sister my soul

Be my love my sister my soul

I ache for acceptance

In the mortal realm

I am a beginner at life

I am a beginner at the prospect of death

A goddess, in my last life

Worshipped and approved

Living here is damning

Tiring and spamming

Like an unwanted email in the bulk mail folder

Hmmmmm. 

How do I continue

How do I begin

How do I end?

I do not feel accepted

I do not feel accepted

I do not feel accepted

How do I learn to feel

How do I learn to care

How do I pick up the pieces of my heart

and move on…

Right now, I am eating eggs and bacon wrapped in a tortilla

Drinking a Sapphire dirty martini

With Gouda stuffed green olives

I am feeling.

I am feeling a buzz and tasting 

What else, nothing else

So much and so little, all at the same time

Dreaming of a dance

Where real love commences 

Where the passion begins

Where the passion ends

Under the moonlight

Living within the moonlight.

Dream of me

See me with electricity streaming 

From my fingertips

Watch me 

Feel me

Be with me

Until the light fades

Oh, do not let the light fade

Dance with me in the moonlight

Dance with me in the moonlight

Sing a song of love and mercy

Sing a song of compassion

Heal me

Heal you

Breathe for me

Because I am breathless

Feel me

Feel you

and I am free

Free to be the woman I am meant to be

How can I be her

How can I be me

How can I move past this blood ridden disease

When deep inside, that is all they see

All they see is the disease, ripping through me

They sing and dance and play

I live in this place of terror

I live in this place of hell

I live

You die

I live again

Only to be rejected

Love rejected

Unwanted

Unspoiled

Untouched by human hands

Fucking tortilla taste good in my mouth

Yet, I want more. 

I need more

I am tired of not having more

It is not easy to feel the way I feel

It is not easy to accept my disease

When there is no acceptance

There is no pleasure

There is only fear

And the pretending. 

the pretending

The pretending

Maybe the martini made me drunk

Perhaps this emotion is needing to be spoken

I need to feel

So many times, I do not feel.

I do not feel.

I put it behind me like a hidden dream

I let it fall to the side of my soul

Quiet…shhhhhh the word is dirty

The word makes people uncomfortable

The word makes me shake on the inside

So, yes…I am crying

I am feeling

I am being

in the moment

The moment of my disease

And I Don’t want it, anymore

I want it gone from my life

Take it from my body

I want to be free. 

I want to be free.

I am so sad right now

So, sad…

so, sad.

Gentle tears falling from the corner of my eye

shining…

Right Now

Outside, listening to the sounds of life
Right now, I breathe deeply the scent of life
I listen to the voice of the wind
And hear the insects play their humble tune
Dance with me under the dark light of the moon
Sing with me under the dark starless night
Rustling creatures walking by
Kitty cat stalking moths while I type
Here I am, in this moment
Rested, relaxed and peaceful
Feeling the wind caress my cheek
Harnessing the power touching my feet
Listening to life speak
Listening to my world dream
Quiet now, under the dark light of the moon
Quiet now, under the dark starless night
I hear a song begin to sing
I hear the voices of the dead dream
I touch the wisdom of the long gone
I touch the dark simple silence
Do you hear my heart sing
Do you hear my soul sing
Do you listen for the sound
Close your eyes
Close your mind
Close your ears and journey within
There, is where I am

This is Why I Smile

“Somewhere someone is thinking of you. Someone is calling you an angel. This person is using celestial colors to paint your image. Someone is making you into a vision so beautiful that it can only live in the mind. Someone is thinking of the way your breath escapes your lips when you are touched. How your eyes close and your jaw tightens with concentration as you give pleasure a home. These thoughts are saving a life somewhere right now. In some airless apartment on a dark, urine stained, whore lined street, someone is calling out to you silently and you are answering without even being there. So crystalline. So pure. Such life saving power when you smile. You will never know how you have cauterized my wounds. So sad that we will never touch. How it hurts me to know that I will never be able to give you everything I have."”
Henry Rollins


Wow...This is beautiful.

This is why I smile
For the unknown moments
The secret moments in quiet despair
I hope to touch a thousand lives
With one look,
One smile
A sparkle of truth from my heart
From my eye.

And even when I feel the darkness creeping
Your smile saves me
Your sparkle calls to me
Your light brings peace to my existence
I may not know you
You may not know me
Yet, you have touched the secret place
Inside...
Your smile has set me free...
Thank you for your beauty
Thank you for your truth
Thank you for remembering
Sometimes we all need a hand
Sometimes we all need a smile

Smile tho the darkness comes
Shine your light tho your insides quiver
Sparkle on dear soul
Sparkle on...
My hand reaches out
Your hand reaches up
Together we work to rise to the top
This is not always a peaceful existence
This place called Earth
This place called home
Yes, this Earth is my Home
You are all my brethren
Can we not all learn to love
Co-exist in beauty
Can we all learn to love in beauty
Love in strength
Love in hope
Love in the miracle of life
Love even in the peace of death

I am lost in this world
I am lost here
Sometimes, I don't know where to go
I don't know where to turn
Sometimes, I lose sight of hope
Sometimes, I wonder where did the beauty go
Where is the heart and soul of each moment

Don't you know that each moment, each breath is beauty
Don't you remember
Remember the time before time, 
When all was whole and set before you?
Remember the time before time,
Remember the peace
Remember the peace
The beauty is here
Listen for the beauty
The time before time still exists
Fall down on your knees and listen to your heart
Feel for you soul
Cry to the Heavens
Cry to the Heavens
You will find your beauty, your peace
Your love will return
Your knowledge of love and truth and mercy does live 
Inside

I stand on the mountain
Feet bare and connected to the Earth
My arms raised high 
Fingers reaching to the Heavens
I stretch 
I connect
I feel the energy living all around 
The birds singing
The insects crawling
The wind caressing my body, my face
The wind blowing my hair all around
I feel
I feel
I didn't forget
I didn't lose sight of the truth
The knowledge is here, living and waiting
Waiting in eager anticipation of being found alive
So much life
So much here
Even the dusty rock covered in dry grass 
Lodged in the Earth, knows 
Even the trees dancing in the breeze, know
And you, the one with an untrained ear
You ask, what do they know
How do I create the moment for you
How do I teach you to see and hear the beauty
What can I say that will aid in your memory
Will you awaken and know as the trees and rocks know
Will you awaken
Your time is coming
Your time is coming
I am not to worry and this, I know
Those who have ears, will hear
Funny, we all have ears...
So, hear...

Dream of my ex

He walked into my dream
This man, my maker
He walked into my dream
Trying to come back in
He wanted to hug me
Kiss me, make love to me
And I could not look into his eyes
His face unacceptable
His touch, unreal
My heart ached in sadness
What, was…was real, to me
False love returned
Love of Convenience
Face of Hate
Crash it into the curb
Destroy the evidence
Walk away
Walk Away
Treat the victims
of past dismay
Heal the error
In his way
Lover of Mine, no longer
Goodbye my false love,
Goodbye

How to feel, my feelings are so raw.
I smelled his scent the other day, I cringed.
The memory of his scent and the way I loved him came crashing back into my soul. Reminding me of all that is not and will never be. I did not cry. I swallowed my emotions and continued driving. The next night, as I lie sleeping in my new lovers embrace…I dreamt.He walked into my dream, looking as sexy as he had in the past. Long black hair and solid thick body. Lithe and smooth skin. In my dream, I was embraced with my new lover and kissing with depth and feeling. He watched and wanted to kiss me. Wanting me to look at him. I could not look at him. I could not give him eye contact. We were at my Great Grandma's house. In my bedroom. My home for so long. The same home that I shared with my ex, for many years. My lover and I walked into the kitchen and my ex followed…I pushed him back, as my mother and son were nearby. I did not want them to see him. The did and they embraced him. They embraced him in a way that I could not. Because, one touch and I would be lost into the lie once again…it felt so good to believe in the lie. To believe in the family that I was creating. To believe in the life I thought was real. All I knew, I could not let him touch me… All my life, all I ever wanted was "home", a family, a connection. I put all that I was into creating a family with that man and he took my family away. He took my home away. How could I ever allow him to give me the false hope of family, once again. Yet, here I am playing "house" with my new lover. Not living with and not family, yet being a part of their home and their family…for moments. ONly moments and then I return to my broken home, my broken family. My womb feels warm and aching. My heart feels love and it is shaking. I don't know how to be with these feelings…
The dream progressed and I walked into the living room. I was given a family heirloom~one that I have never seen before~a music box time clock. A rounded arch in shape, brass and gold mesh with roman numeral numbers on the clock. I played the music and the music played for a moment and then stopped as if the mechanics were stuck. There was a bend in the rounded bottom and I worked out the bend to make the circular shape, whole again.I knew that I could fix it, in time...
My lover was watching and all I wanted was to be in my lovers embrace~to not let go..and all the while, my ex was watching me, begging for my embrace. I wanted to take a shower and he wanted to take me and make love to me, in the shower as we had done every morning we lived together…He wanted the routine that we had. He wanted what I once gave him…I yelled, what happened to your new family? What about your new wife? Where is your family? All he said, was…they are gone, they left. My first thought… they left, because you have not changed. You have not changed…you are the same man who disappoints everyone who loves you. I cannot put myself or my son in that place, ever again. And I am mad. I am mad. You left. You left me and the family and home that I was putting my heart into…you left, and I did not matter, not anymore.
My lover, ex and I all got into a car. a red suburu…I was driving, fast and at a medium recklessness for such a damp day…we were rounding a curve and something happened and the car wrecked on the curb. The tire was flat and hub broken. There was a long line of cars behind us, all wrecked~all the way down the line. All the people got out of the cars and we all waked together toward a central location, in the grass~Reminds me of Swope Parkway close to the zoo~ As we were walking, we could see the damage in the other people. The cuts and the bleeding. My new lover and I were dabbing at the blood and comforting the victims. My ex, on the other hand only walked behind. He did not help heal any wounds and then I awoke…I had to go to the bathroom and I must have made a sound of distress…and uncomfort…My lover immediately asked if I was alright…I said yes, I think…I had a dream, a vivid dream. My lover asked me about my dream and I relayed all my dream memory…I cried in my lovers arms..and I was told, Let me be there for you…
And then I slept again…

This has been on my mind for a couple of days now. Why did he appear in my dream, looking as lovely as he had then. I know he does not look like that anymore.
I say goodbye to him. and hello to new possibilities, whatever they may be.

Shhhh, she whispers

Shhhhh, she whispers to the night wind
You cannot tell all my secrets
And the tree laughs and shakes her branches
The story has already been told
Waves of energy glisten upon the land
Life is repeated again and again
A new person
A new story
The same emotion
The same story

Shhh, she whispers out in the night
I do not want everyone to know
The grass sings a simple song
The flowers laugh with fragrant delight
It is seen
It is known
All the world sees how you glow
All the world dreams your glow
All of time sings your song
All of life listens

Shh, she whispers
How do I say the words I feel
How do I be what it is, I feel
The tree listens and the grass perks up
The flowers blossom and the wind speaks up
Little daughter of the moon
I blow and the tree grows
The grass is green from sun and rain
The flowers have scent to tickle your nose
Be who you are and your words will grow

Sh, silent little daughter and know
Your nature is your nature, all alone
Your love speaks to the land
Sings a song in the wind
The trees pick up the energy
Sending your love from here to there
And back to flower again
The grass awaits your feet
Sing your song of love and truth
All of time is waiting on you

Feel the garden of love begin
The life is life and life again
You cannot ask a tea cup to be a bird
The nature of life is to be who you are
A tree is a tree and a flower a flower
How can a tree be the nature of a flower
Your nature is vibrant and knowing
Be vibrant and knowing
Be bright and eloquent
Be exactly, who you are in all your glory

Hummingbird

Hummingbird flitters by, flies away…
Golden green and blue pink wings 
Here and there drinking life
Taking joy and dancing 
Holding life in fragile wings, flying
I smile, content
Watching the beauty watching me
Taking joy and dancing
I live with fragile wings, flying
There is a lesson in Hummingbird wisdom

Take your joy and live
Drink from the fountain of life and give
There is beauty
There is hope
There is love
Remember the bittersweet past
Look forward to the living future
Dance, now…in the present
Breathe in life
And all of life, says…yes…