Strength

Strength is beautiful.

How does a person acquire this beauty?
With perseverance and hard-core determination.

Life is not easy. No one has ever said that life is supposed to be easy. Life is full of hard knocks and decisions coupled with way of being.

Some things have come to me easy. Creativity and imagination, reading skill with comprehension and figuring things out...All of these are easy for me, because I chose to be creative and to read with understanding...as well as choosing to be pretty good at figuring out complicated problems...

I started drawing when I was 8 years old. I wanted attention. I wanted people to take notice of me. My mother was an artist and my brother did some decent artwork~hence the desire to receive some kind of attention, outside of getting in trouble...I started with horses. Memory says...hahah! They were not very good, I kept it up and practiced often so that I could draw a horse. Before long, I could draw one with my eyes shut...(not very good)(but, I could do it)
Later, I decided to try cartoon characters from coloring books...I figured that if I was good at coloring a picture, I might as well try drawing one! And draw I did! Now, when I colored...I colored in the lines and when I drew...I drew big...I could take a picture that was a couple of inches big and recreate it in perfect proportion...anywhere from 6,8 or 10 inches bigger...funny tho...most people thought that was cool...I on the other hand knew the truth...as good as it was, I could not control the sizing...everything just came out bigger!! Again, I practiced and practiced until I could get a handle on the size of what I was drawing...I do okay now...LOL

Reading, was a chore in 1st grade. I was told that I needed a special reading and writing class...I wrote letters upside down and backwards...Interestingly enough, I recognized what was happening and I knew I had to figure out how to fix the problem, cause I did not want to stay in a special reading and writing class...The letter "S" is the one that I remember the most. Every time I had to write an "S", I would flip my paper upside down and write the letter and then flip it back upright to continue the assignment. I understood how to make the letter look the "write" way! Well, at some point I became tired of flipping my paper around for the letters that I had trouble with, so I began practicing by writing over and over on the letter until I could get it right! I was one of the only 6 year olds in the first grade who adamantly checked out books from the library to practice reading...The books I took home were Dick and Jane...See Spot Run...LOL...of course, I did progress from there!!!

I chose to learn how to read with understanding and by the time I was in 5th grade, I had the reading level of a Junior in Highschool. When I was in the 10th grade, I had the reading level of a Junior in College...I devoured books with intensity!

Every part of life is a choice, even the smallest things...I could have chosen to accept my reading disability...I didn't. I am so happy that I did not make that choice!!!

Consider every aspect of your life and look at the choices. Make the choice that betters your life. Make the choice that creates an improvement!

And still...my life is not easy...
I am okay with this, because this life is who I am and I like who I am...I like every hard-ship that has come at me...I have been made better by every part of my life...even those that appear negative...yeah, they are positive...hahah!

(should have seen me when I was learning how to be a massage therapist...if I was seeing letters backwards...you should have seen my massage technique in the beginning...I did it backwards...)I still twist things around in my mind, so I slow down and think it through...and then I get it right! So, if you see me looking at you intensely, with a distant look in my eye...it is because I am slowing myself down and figuring out why what I am looking at is so twisted...hahah! ;)or, it could be that my perception is twisted... ;)

SeParate from me

I watch myself. I see the world going by, tunrning and twisting. Like a deck of cards flipped out of my hands and falling, I watch each card. Some fall face-down, others fall face-up while most flip through the air doing crazy acrobats before drifting away....some are lost under furniture or stepped on by another person...there are many variables in life~so many things happen.

How do you choose to see your life?
How do you choose to be in this, your life?

I watch my life, I am an avid participant in what is happening around me. I see how I react and I create my reality by how I behave in relation to others...have I always made the right choice? Hah! No... I make mistakes, I decided to learn the lessons associated with my choices and create understanding...my understanding and how to be, my next go round...there is always a next go round...

Some days, I watch what is happening and wonder is it all real. Is this life I am living, real? Time passes by so quickly and my observance of time are simple reflections of memory that I have chosen to retain...

Sometimes, I am in this place, where I wait. Like a waiting room, only I am living out the days of my life. I know there is something coming. Something different. So, I watch my world spin on by, separate from me...

Christmas Past

Christmas break! What an ecstatic time! School out for a whole lot of days! That was all that I knew, I didn't have to get up for school!
I was always an early riser, up before dawn and often watched the sun rise...so much peace in those moments and even as a small child, I appreciated the silence.
I always figured that I was one of the luckiest kids, I had the best of all worlds...I had a mom and step-dad, a dad and step-mom and my maternal, paternal grandparents...Aunts and Uncles galore and of course, I will not leave out...the Step-grandparents and step-families!!

Christmas was a time of visiting all the families and sometimes a couple of families in one day! I loved it! So exciting!

My favorite, was Christmas Eve morning...My brother and I were dropped off at my Grandma Lackey's house! Oh, how that house was filled with family! All the cousins hugging and aunts and uncles kissing...the tension, because you just knew that someone was going to lose their temper! I loved every moment of it...Grandpa Lackey bellowing and Grandma cooking in the kitchen~ running around here there and everywhere!!!
I remember watching her dip her fingers in just about every dish and tasting! Hahah! Licking her fingers and wiping her hands on a towel...

The presents under the tree were mountainousness! OMG! I remember being so excited and anticipating the presents! Funny, tho~All the girls would get the same thing...only in a different color and the boys always got socks! So, as soon as one of the girls opened a gift, we all knew what to expect! It really didn't matter, cause we all got to play and eat and have a grand time!

Later, We would go home and get ready to go to my Grandma Carter's for the evening gifts! There, it was pretty much the same, only it was evening...and often...the grandkids who didn't have other families to visit had already opened their gifts! The gift opening was a bit more personal and watched...in a good way...
Grandma Carter's house always smelled of banana bread or angel biscuits...coffee and cigarettes...

Where once, I was the luckiest of girls, now...they are all gone...all except my mom and little sister and a sprinkling of cousins, aunts and uncles that I see, sometimes...I am sad, just a little...I miss them and all the hustle and bustle of my Christmas past...

I am so happy to  have experienced them all! Now, I am on to making new Christmas memories!

Art Defined

Art, the definition of art...what is it really? I feel, you feel and we all feel. Most of us feel the same emotions at one time or another...a different story got us to the same feeling...This is my point...We all feel the same emotions and how we choose to react to those emotions; are what defines who we are and who we are becoming.

One night, I needed to express my self through art and this is what happened. The woman in the picture above is the feeling that poured from my fingertips to the paper...Did I know that I felt this passion toward unrequited love...probably. Did I understand how to feel this passion and disperse the emotion to the wild of life...no.

I fell in love with a man. I gave him my all, my heart. I was prepared to love him to the ends of the world. I locked up my chest, because he held my heart. Time went by and I misplaced the key, forgot all about the key. Forgot all about returning my heart, to my chest.

That happened a long time ago. He is no longer with me. Sure, I hear from him from time to time~the same story, the same line. He says that he loves me and wants us to work and so, My heart is held in my hands because I keep holding it out to him...He is so far away, living in another state with another woman. He twists the truth, little by little so that he has the opportunity to come back to me. I know truth from lies and for many years I let the lies slide, because it felt so good to let him have my heart. What am I supposed to do with that damn key? I know that the misplaced key is lying right behind me and all I have to do is reach down, pick up the key, unlock my chest and return my heart...

Knowing this, does not make it any easier.
Facts are facts, He changed my life, Changed the way I see the world and the people living here. The way he changed my life, is a whole other story in itself and another way of redefining "State of Mind"...
I let him back in, once...I saved his life, literally...put him back together piece by piece. As soon as he was healthy enough, he left. Gone...just as simple as that...

All I have ever wanted, was to be loved the way I love...to be held the way I hold...to have a person feel my passion and return the same~Part of a team that is working toward the same goal...When I am lied to, this takes away the respect and trust between people. To lie to someone is belittling and proving the lack of integrity living/dying within a person.

My stories are definitions of me, yet the emotion behind the story is the same across the world. All of us have loved and lost and loved again and hurt and raged out in pain...forgot how to trust and then trust again to only let the ghosts of yesterday invade the new relationship and destroy what could have been beautiful...

Everybody is afraid, to a degree. I almost think this is why people lie to people. When you lie, you recreate yourself and the image you hope to portray. Tell a little story and twist the truth, because you don't have the guts to be yourself. You don't have the guts to lay it on the line and be 100% truthful with any one person, because of the the fear of being seen as who you really are...OMG! don't you all get it! You are seen, no matter the story, no matter the twisted truth that you hope people see...People know when you are based on a lie, people see...sometimes, not in time... ;(

To really love myself, I had to be totally open and honest with me and people all around me...I won't lie to you. I may not tell you everything in your timing, but I will tell you...You ask me a question...whatever it is, I will answer it with truth, no matter how hard it is for me...I don't want twisted illusions creating a story around me...I just want to be me...

Do the Strong Survive?

I wonder. Is that statement true? Do the strong really survive? Is this folly? I wonder, is it the weak who are really making it in this world? I am so frustrated. Seriously frustrated. I look around and see people living in complete ignorance of what is happening in the world. Are they happy? I almost believe that they are happy. Happy to be in complete utter ignorance, living in fantasy. Getting high and trashed all day and living off of the government, is this truly living? What about the folks who pretend? The great pretenders, the ones who do go to work and silently partake of the festivities that will one day surely cause their demise. Do they believe that no one sees them? Do they believe that other's are blind. Perhaps the others are blind, choosing not to see. Choosing not to say one dang word to change the lives of those living in utter ignorance. I don't want to be blind, not anymore. I want to stand up and shake the world and take it on by storm~changing lives.

I am currently single. Choice, my choice because it is easier to not get involved.
Some call it fear, others call it preservation and I call it what it is...fear, real fear.
I am angry at myself because of this fear. I see people, the ignorant ones...all living together in their own type of happiness, making life work. Sure, they may be high or trashed, but they are living together and sharing the mystery of life, while I sit alone, wasting my passion, all because I am afraid to be intimate. I am not talking about the physical intimacy, it is the emotional part of true intimacy. The spoken word. Sharing my secrets, making things that I don't want known, to be known. Every time I whisper that truth, I tangle the web of life even more. Others get caught in the cross-fire.

There is someone out there for everyone. Yes, I see it on faces of those I think, how the hell could that person have had a child or even be married~Who would sleep with them? I guess, sometimes...people take what they can get and forgo the true meaning of love and togetherness, just to keep from being lonely, or to have a person look after their kids...or to stay married, for the convenience. I know many such people who stay together for these reasons. Are they really happy? I know that they are not, but they make their lives work and they are surviving.
Sometimes, I think...it would be so much easier for me if I threw in the towel. Picked a person for convenience and built a relationship because of necessity; to make life just a little bit less lonely and easier to make it in today's world.

I cannot. I can't do it. I cannot be with a person who does not make me happy. Just because, is not a phrase that I use in my life and if I were to become that person, I would let myself down and lose the part that makes me who I am.

I have seen the death that lives inside my body. I know the darkness living within my cells, knowing this, how is it fair to bring another into my world. I want someone in my world. I want to share my life with the one who is the other part of me, someone who can and will complete me. I am only a part of myself. I am not whole...I desire this completeness.

So, when I look at these people, I look at them with envy and with hope that the one person for me; is still looking for me. I believe it is a jealous envy, one that is tempered with understanding, awe and fear. I want what they have, I want it my way and I don't want to lose myself in the process...

As for the death living within...yes, it changed me, molded me...I am a whole different Dona because of it...
True strength survives by cultivation and growth...believe me, I have been cultivated. Will I survive?

Until I die...just like anyone else...

~rambling brain, this evening...

The Following Day

Did I happen to mention the three deer hairs that are still on my car...Figured I would leave them as a souvenir.

The Holidays are always a bit difficult for me, memories invade and I become extremely emotional. Sometimes, a girl gets tired of being forgotten.

One of my jobs, I have three, was hosting a small Holiday get together for the employees. An email was sent out, letting us know that time and location and to expect the annual gift exchange. Since I have three jobs, I have to schedule my time according to the day and make myself available...So, I scheduled the time in and began making my way to the party. I arrived on time. Funny thing though~I noticed people leaving with gifts, instead of arriving. I asked, loudly what was going on and they told me that they already had the party and the time was moved up. Honestly, I was pissed. This is the one time that I get a gift that I didn't buy for myself and I enjoy the camaraderie of the group! I located the head of our organization and asked what happened...and of course, he was extremely apologetic. He forgot to let me know. He decided at the last moment to make the time earlier, so that the evening workers could be dismissed early. Funny thing, he was not the only one who could have passed the word along and the whole bit disappointed me. I cried. Seems silly to cry, and at the same time, when you think about it...I had several other things that I could have done and honestly this mis-timing thing was kinda a pain in the ass. I originally had a time set up with a friend to help me do the tune up on my car...Well, as it happened...I called my friend and rescheduled the time for later in the early evening. I got into my car and started her up when...the car decided to hesitate at the start-up again and proceeded to basically limp her way along while I tried to accelerate. (I cried again.) Of course, when this happens I cannot even raise my speed above 60 mph...So, I decided to go the long way around to my friends house and not take the highway.
As I mentioned in my previous blog, my car is psychic. Later, I found out that at the same time that I would have been on the highway and very near to the same location-time...there was a wreck with a fatality and a couple of critically injured folks. I had several opportunities to jump on the highway and I opted out each time because I knew that my car would not be able to accelerate fast enough to safely navigate on that particular stretch of road.
My car saved my life...listening to the inner voice that lives within each of us is an amazing gift.

The car has been successfully tuned up...and the light is still on...so, I ran an engine check at O'reilly's and found that one of my sensors is going out. I bought the sensor and will replace it in the next day or two...

So, anyhow...state of mind is so important...I choose to hope and there are times when I get tired of being let down...I will cry and then suck it up and go on with my day...each day is awesome! I will smile and put my best foot forward...that being either the metaphysical one or the regular one...hahah! not sure which one! Dang foot...Dang foot...

Reasons

Everything happens for a reason! Seriously, I believe this to be true. My car is psychic...my car knows every time a disaster is about to strike! Invariably, my car will hesitate or hiccup at startup, which let's me know that I need to be extra cautious!
Just the other evening, I was leaving work. Pulled out of the drive and headed toward home, when my car began hesitating. I was thinking, maybe I should pull over for a minute, and then i figured oh hell, I will limp her on home, no big deal.
I could not press on the gas without the car acting like she was "flooding out". I drive a 2007 PT Cruiser, and this car should not remotely act like this! So, I'm a crusing along at about 20mph when I notice a doe, a deer a female deer running along side me. She was a beauty! I watched her run in slow motion and decided to try to pull over so that she wouldn't hit me. What do you think happened? Hahah, she bunched up those powerful muscles and tried to jump over my car. Then nose-dived right in the windshield! Shattered the glass and rolled away. I stopped the car and watched her roll a couple of times then get up and run back the way she came. Got out of my car and all I could think, is wow! My car is ok! Not a dent one, well... Except for the shattered windshield...I was okay!
Which brings me back to my car being psychic and all...if I had paid attention to my inner voice and to what the car was saying, and pulled over...there would have been no glass shattering, only me watching the glory of an animal run!

That deer hit my car for a reason. I haven't quite pinpointed the necessity...it's there...lying somewhere in an intuitive design, waiting!

Next, I will tell you about my psychic car adventure that I had today! not right now, later...after some sleep! ;)