Knight in Shining Armor

When I was a little girl, I asked my mother "what shall I be? Shall I be pretty, shall I be rich?" and this is what she said to me... Que sera sera what will be will be, the future is not yours to see que sera sera....

The song put a frame around me and caused me to realize that the future was mine... What will be will be... By my design...

My grandma bought me and all the little kids a couple of fairy tale books and nursery rhyme books... I loved my books... Daily, I read the stories wondering about the Princess's and the knights who came to their rescue... I believe in love and the beauty of love yet, I never have wanted to be weak. I have pushed so many men out of my life because of the fear of love and the fear of relationships ending. How do I find that place where my fairy tale dreams come true?
I never expect anyone to like me. When I am liked, I think it's cool and at the same time.. I expect people to not like me... Sometimes I don't feel like a real person. I am like Pinnochio... A doll who aches to be real... I'm a nobody with the face of a somebody...

Perhaps I need saving, from myself so that I don't disappear. Is there a knight out there?

A Vison...A Dream

I had a vision
A dream of timelessness
Complete one~ness
Connected physically
Connected spiritually
A cellular bond

Souls bonding
And physical recognition
The Two shall become One
This completion is as old has time
In the beginning
Time and Matter were separate
From Soul and Spirit

Our world was created when Time
Mated with Spirit
For Matter cannot exist without Time
As Soul cannot exist without Spirit
The passion collided and new life was formed
A world of Spirit filled Matter
Trees and grass
Earth and stone
Humanity was born

In passion, we transcend time
Returning to the beginning
Returning to the memory of Spirit
The first mating
The first ecstasy
The first time we truly connected as one

Remember The Love That Wasn't

Memories pulse within
I wonder at the eloquence of thought
I feel the trapdoor open
My thoughts spill toward the sunlit sky

Who are you to invade my being
Why must you come unannounced
I feel the terror of our love
The love that wasn't

Remember this
Times you lied
Times you cheated
Times you caressed my soul
Fingers bold and brazen
Fingers taking and making me yours

Times I wonder at our relationship
The relationship that wasn't
The love I gave was not in vain
I learned many lessons

Remember this
Times you lied
Times you cheated
Times you caressed my soul
Fingers bold and brazen
Fingers taking and making me yours

Memories of you
The tender caress
The light-hearted laughter
The way you held me close

Remember this
The love you gave
The ache of need
The passion and heat

When you left
Part of my heart cried
Part of my heart died
Buried in the ground
Concrete poured all around
Ripped tears from the jugular
Bloody tears pooled around
Drowning my soul
Drowning my soul

I look back at the memories
I see what I did not see
I understand what I did not know
You are not the man for me
You are not my heart nor my soul
You were a dream, for a moment
A nightmare for a time
A memory to have
A love to remember
A love to let go

Remember this
Times I cried
Times I loved
Times I gave
Times I forgave
Remember this
The Love That Wasn't

Memories pulse within
I am glad I remember
All that was and
All that wasn't

Inspired by The Alchemist by Paulo Cuelho

HEARTSONG
Everyday, I take strides toward my own Personal Legend!
I smile. Listening to my heart...
I say what I feel and I know what I know.
I feel the sands of time shifting and a righting of my world returning...
I hid for a while and now I rise from the flame and reach out to touch my fate!
Sun-kissed flaming lips and words form to create the beauty birthing from within.
See me from the inside...hear me, my words become tears transformed to diamonds...
I am strength and determination
I am hope and peace
I am living
I am death
I am part of now
I am part of this moment
I am here...

Where are you?
Do you know who you are
In this moment?
Do you feel the quest for knowledge in the secret part of who you are?
Do you seek your heartsong?
Do you feel the strings playing
And singing, bursting with pleasure?

I do.
I feel my heartsong.
I feel the pleasure.
I know the pain.
I express what I feel
Because I cannot contain this song...
This song will sing with me or
Without.
This song is part of my soul
Part of my heart,
Part of my Personal Legend.
Come on!
Let's sing it together!

We all have a place, a space and a note.
A life-story...a life meaning
A life message...
All of which becomes your personal legend!
What do you want?
What is the treasure you seek?

You do know that all of the universe will conspire for you when you ask...
Seek and you shall know.
Do you remember your life's path?
Remember me...
I will sing you a part of my heart song.
The part that plays for you!
You will remember your own
Personal Legend!
1/26/2010

What Never Was

He calls me baby
He calls everybody baby
He says I love you
It is so good to hear your voice

What am I supposed to feel
Seriously, what am I supposed to feel
Baby, I love you
I didn't mean to hurt You

Who am I that men don't want to hurt
Who am I, really
You wonder why I have trust issues
You really wonder

Baby, Yeah...Baby
You call everyone baby
Who am I to believe the words
Any of the words that come out of your mouth

It's a lonely ole night
And I put my arms around myself
Everynight
It's a lonely ole night, baby...alright...

He says, your mad at me
I say, no...I am not mad
You HURT me
All you did was Hurt me...

I am bruised to the quick
And damaged to the world
You don't even know what you took from me
Baby...you don't even know

Hearing your voice
I don't know if I can hear your voice
You are the same as you ever was...
You are the same as you ever was...

Me, I am transcending this plane of existence
I am flying up high
Vibrations and Resonation
Leaving this world behind

Whatchu got for me
Got any of that good ole decency
Seriously, Whatchu got for me
I have to have integrity

I fell in love with an Angel
I fell in love with a Darling
I loved a man whose heart was true
And all I did was blame him for all that you do

Me, I am transcending this plane of existence
I am flying up high
Vibrations and Resonation
Leaving this world behind

What do I say to you
How am I expected to feel
What is the meaning of this song
What is the meaning of this song

Oh Baby...
Written June 7, 2010

After a phone call from the ex...I had to get the emotion out... One day, I would love to hear someone sing this...put music to it...

The awesome thing, is that....I can feel how I want to feel...express my emotion and walk on...
One day, I want what any other girl wants...someone true...yeah, a knight in shining armor... I don't need to be saved...I need to feel worthy of someone who is worthy of me...

I'm just a real girl with thoughts and feelings and a way of being....just exactly who I am...so, for now...I am just gonna keep improving who I am...cause the golden mister is just a smile away...

Learn from the past and head to the present...toward today...smile and know that beauty is zooming to you...sometimes it has to go around a few blocks...turn a couple of corners...open a few windows...and then BAM... there it is, the right thing...the rightness always happens...be patient...listen...feel your way out of the tangles...look ahead...there is a light!!

The phone call mentioned above...sometimes, I miss what could have been...and then I remember...that could have been never was...so why keep myself locked up in the memory of what never happened... I really like what Is happening now...I like the twists and turns my life is taking...so, I figure...enjoy the ride! Enjoy life... ;)

Psychic Car, perhaps?

So, Yesterday I worked at the Pharmacy. After work I stopped by my Doctor office job to check messages and etc...Drove home and felt compelled to clean out my car. I almost live in my car! I have 4 job locations...and I am often going from one to the other and when I get home...whatever is in the car, is in the car...until I finally clean it out... I had clothes, shoes, coffee cups, vitamin shaker cups, sheets, trash, bottled water, pens and lots of change all over that car...Needless to say, I enjoyed finding "stuff" while I was cleaning!!! I found a few things that had been missing for months!!!! Then, I figured...Let's take the car to the car wash...it had not been washed since, like ever...I don't even remember...and then, we vacuumed the car...When I say we, it is the kid and I... LOL We drove to Walmart, to pick up a couple of items and then stopped at Sonic for a nice little ice cream treat!!! I stopped the car...We sang songs...and ate the ice cream...and then, I went to start the car, and NOTHING!....the car had plenty of juice...lights on...it would not turn over...no sound...no clicking...nothing...so, I put her in Neutral...roll the car forward...turn the wheels...put her back in park...try to start her up...and NOTHING...So, I sat there and every few minutes...I tried again... So, I told the kid that we would be walking home...and we would deal with getting it home later...he said to me, "mom, I am so glad the you are not like other people!" I looked at him and gave him a quizzical expression...which he responded with..."you don't hit the car and yell...other people would do that and you t sit there nice and calm." Well, I really wanted to hit the car, but...what good would it do? Walking home was no big deal, we live close to the Sonic...so, I just smiled and let him know that it will be okay... I called a buddy of mine to come out and see if he could do anything...and yeah, no...he could not...so, since it was so late...I started looking online for a Topw Truck service in my area...I was immediately drawn to a Full Service Center, right in town...I felt compelled to call and then I figured that they would be closed...so I called a 24/7 tow place and had them tow my car home...$55 and 5 minutes after my car was hooked up...it was in front of my house...it took longer to do the paper work then it did to tow the car... Such is the way it is...I sure did not want to leave my car overnight at a public location... I did some research, last night...(my buddy was thinking it was the starter) me, I think it is either the Starter Relay switch or a faulty ignition...so, I did my looking around online and found that if you spray a little WD-40 in the ignition...it could prompt the ignition to work...so, because I cleaned out my car that day...I knew that I had some WD-40 in the trunk...I waited til this AM to spray it in...probably should have done it last night...cause my car did not start. My mother gave me a ride to work and on my way...I started looking up shops in my area and again felt compelled to call that Auto Center...so...I did...I immediately felt at ease with the guy and for $45 he would come get it...and for another $79.95 he would put her on the diagnostic machine...again...such is the way it is..so, that being said...he picked up my car this AM...and funny thing...He put the key in and it started right up for him...so, he turned her off and tried again..and this time it did not...he thinks it is in the ignition as well...so, now...we shall see what is up with my Psychic car... My mom offered to let me keep her truck today...and I had that feeling of no worries...come over me...that it would be okay...so, I sent her on her way and now I am at home...without a car...And I am okay with what will happen next...Now, I am looking forward to finding out what is up with my car... I am a bit short on cash this week...but again...I still feel...okay...it is all gonna work out...everything will be good...and I'm not stressing...So, I will update you all on the story, later this eve or on the morrow!! :)

Vibrations

Sometimes, the urge to write overwhelms and fills me full of a kind of desperation. The urgency is intense. The need cannot be quenched until I sit at a blank piece of paper or a blank document on the computer. My hand to pen or keyboard and I sigh... there is the beginning of relief because I know that somehow I am gonna recieve a really cool message. The other night, I could not sleep. I was 100% awake. I did not feel the need for rest and at the same time, I knew that I needed to get some sleep for the day ahead. So, I figured if I can't beat em....I will at least try to join em... Here is where I sat up and began to meditate. An extremely simple meditation, no thought...no focus...only the sound of silence. Silence is where I find my greatest peace. Silence is my real home. My place of rest. As I settled, I began to listen. I heard the sound of the crickets singing outside my window and then above the sound of the earth I heard the silent ring begin to rise. Singing ever so sweetly, my comforting ring of silence. There are many levels of sound. The earthly sound, which is what we all hear...life moving and living...The ring of silence, as I mentioned before is a bit of a higher tone than the sound of life moving...I often wonder if this is the sound of an energy, being...The sound is similar to the noise of a hearing aid screeching, only not as loud or aggravating... As I settled and listened to my silence, I begin to notice a new sound. A deeper sound. One that resonated in a vibrating sense within and all around me. I could still hear the earthly sounds and the ring of silence...and distinguish one from the other, so I focused on the new sound to find out what I would be able to hear and feel...What I noticed, was that as I concentrated on this vibration...the other sounds began to dissipate...In curiosity, I focused my "hearing" on the other sounds and could return to them quite easily...yet still...this new one...this deep hummmm of vibration intrigued me. This sound comes from a higher place, in the realm of my understanding, I hear the ring of silence at my ear level. The earthly sounds at my body level. This vibration sound came from higher up...My awareness of the place was at least six feet above and diagonal from my head. As I continued listening, let me consider this word...listen...when considering this way of understanding, this deeper vibration...it isn't entirely a listen...it is a feel...it is what it is...there is not a listen in the sense of listening...not a feeling in the sense of feeling...it is an experience...and I remember marveling at the way I was experiencing this movement of energy... Could it be that I slipped outside of the realm of time. Where the movement of time does not exist and all is an experience. All is happening at once and all is known, at once. My world still revolved, I still sat on my bed...and at the same time...there was nothing and everything all at once... I saw myself/or experienced myself walking (moving) up a dark incline...mountain like...toward a cliff overlooking a large expanse of whatever it was...mist and darkness...if I was in a place where "thought" mattered...I would have called it a sea...yet here...there was no thought...there was only what was happening and what was happening was something I am still not sure how to "be" with...There was a woman in a light blue cloak long dark hair up in a lose bun. She was concerned and aggravated with me for not listening to her. I did not hear words, only the impression of her feelings...she did not like that I take the initiative to go forward without consulting her...she is my guide...and I am as a rebellious child who believes that I can handle all of my tasks here...alone...in my way...and in my time...for her...there is no time...she only feels the agony when I feel the agony...she feels the love when I feel the love...the sadness...the excitment..and so on and so forth...She experiences my all...with me...in my all-ness...She needs to prove herself to me..to be adequate for the job at hand and for some reason...in my stubbornness...I do not allow her to consult with me...I go above her...I am not trusting her... I always listen. I always question what I hear. Seem shocked that I am right. Yet, expect that I should be right because I already had an inkling of an idea. The knowledge has always been there. Easily accessible for me...Is it that I do not trust my higher self? What happened that has caused me to question what is known? My higher self is experiencing my entire life in completeness...past, present, and future do not exist in her place of existence...So, how do I bring it all together...how do I bring it in...and let it be what it is...and relax into myself... So, I listen to this beautiful, tragic woman above me..on a cliff overlooking what might be a sea...and I quietly drift off to sleep... Days later...I know I need to encounter this moment, face myself and begin to trust in acceptance.

The Saxophone

I love the saxophone. I love the way the passion is played from the lips and from the heart...The breath of life externalized in art and sound.
All my life, I wanted to learn how to play that instrument.
As a pre-teen to teenager, I was extremely introverted and lacked confidence.
I often chose not to try things, simply because I did not want to fail and if I didn't do it, I would not make a fool of myself...

That was a horrible choice.
I have learned much since that time and now, I do everything that I want to do...I try...and I do it...and I do whatever I want to do, well.

In 1995 I started going through some changes. Life changes. Changing the way I made decisions. I had gotten involved with a few people who led a seriously detrimental lifestyle and I jumped right into it, head first...My world began to spin out of control and I was not happy. I could feel that something was gonna change and I was not sure what that was gonna be...and so, I began praying.

I started going to church again...as a matter of fact, my first night back to a church I was wearing a bright orange/flower cutsie outfit...one that flattered my cleavage and had quite a high hem line, flattering my rear... ;) High strappy heels... ummmm, the church happened to be a United Pentecostal church. The women still wear long skirts, long hair and no makeup...very old-fashioned...it was also a Revival week...I walked right up to the front row and sat down...the entire church looked at me...and I smiled very proudly... Honestly, I cannot believe that I did it...suddenly it was time for them to "save" me...I swear the entire church swarmed just to lay their hands on me so that I could recieve the blessing of Christ...

Needless to say, it was very over-whelming...Later, they told me that my Baptism when I was a child was not effective and I needed to be baptised all over again and I went ahead and did it...to make them happy...

Time went on and I eliminated the friendships that were tearing me down and I left Kansas City, for a while...I moved back to Arkansas for about 8 months. I needed to get in touch with myself, my prayer and my place in the world. It was during this time that I learned how prayer is answered and how faith is defined. I learned to ask for what I wanted and to believe that all I needed would be provided to me...Many prayers were answered in this time period and the one that I want to focus on now is "the saxophone".

One day, I was praying about the desire to learn how to play the Sax...I just didn't have enough money to buy one at that time...so, I prayed about it...and felt this peace...At that time I was working in a Tyson Chicken Factory, cutting out chicken butts and that my friends is a whole 'nother story... ;)

On one of my breaks, a woman I worked with came up to me and said here, God told me to give this to you. In her hand as a wad of cash. She was praying earlier in the day and felt compelled to give me $100. I told her that I could not accept it and she said no, she had to give it to me, she felt that I needed to buy something important with the money. As the money was placed in the palm of my hand, I had the sudden "knowing" that as soon as I got off work, I needed to go to Mena; a town about a little over a half an hour from the town I lived in...and find a music shop. There would be a saxophone there for me to buy for $100.

I did not have a car. My mom was my transportation and I told her what happened. She drove me to Mena and we found a music store. I walked in. There it was. The first one that I saw. I asked the guy how much and he said that one is $75. There is a piece broken but otherwise in good working condition. I bought it right then and there...bought the reeds and went home in a very happy and satisfied mood. I taught myself how to play that sax... the part that was broken, I never did get it fixed...I just went around that particular note...

Years have gone by. Time happened and I had different responsibliites and I did not pick that sax back up. There she sat, in her case, waiting...waiting...waiting...1997

2011...My son wants to play in band. He originally thought about playing the flute, because the band teacher wants more flute players...
I thought about it, and asked the kid if he would like to play the sax and his eyes lit up! He went and got her out of her case and I assembled the parts...and he blew...and it made a sound...he was hooked...

Today, I took the sax to a repair shop. I am hoping the part can be fixed so that my son can play this Sax in band. What would be even cooler is if it only cost $25, to equal the full $100 that was given to me all those years ago...We shall see what this instrument has in store for us...

Time happens and emotions happen and things change...My brother died in a car wreck and part of me stopped living...I stepped back into the wild life again...running hard and fast and falling apart...drinking every night and dancing... I did not want to think...and then my son happened...becoming pregnant woke me back up to reality and I knew that I had to get back on track...Life became clear and my son saved me from an early death...That, my friends...is a whole 'nother story... because I am not supposed to be able to have children...

Sure, I was unwed...single...my son's father went back to his ex-wife before I told him that I was pregnant, so I didn't tell him til later... (he was mad for a while)

Sure, a couple of years later I become a bit more Positive than I ever would have hoped to become...

I still believe in prayer and faith...and love and beauty...I believe that this Saxophone was put into my life for a reason...there is a blessing in that Saxophone...

So, in a few days...I will update on this little story. believe with me...Pray with me...have faith with me...

Even when something seems to be broken...there is still sweet music to be made...and all things will be made new...this is my Faith...Heck, this is my life...

I have been waiting...waiting...waiting...for so long...waiting to have someone play the sweet notes that are my life...I was broken...locked up in a case...sure, I sounded good and looked good...
I was not done yet...
now, I am ...I am made whole...right now, in this moment, I am made whole...

The Essay

Recently, I was going through some boxes in the garage and came across a large mamilla envelope that said, FOR DONA. The words were in my Grandma Carter's handwriting. Upon opening, I found several letters and cards and poetry that I and written over the years; she kept them, all this time...included was a play that I wrote for an Oral Communications class and an essay for a Senior English class...I remember this essay, we were assigned to write this at the beginning of the school year....the play, I will post another day...that one is a whole other story...pretty deep for a 17 year old kid...the essay is below....






A little over seventeen years ago, my spirit came from Heaven bearing orders from God to place myself into the unborn body of a baby whose name would be Dona Lackey. Soon after my birth, my soul repressed the memories of the life I had before and began making new memories, some to cherish and some to hate.

A little over seventeen years have passed and I now find myself sitting in a Senior English class writing a theme on where I came from, where I am and where I am going. My first thought was, "Well I came from my mother and father. I live in Waldron, Arkansas and I know I am going home after school's let out." but then I thought, "Wait a minute I'll write something a little deeper than I ever have before!" After I established that, I began writing my theme.

To answer the question, "Where I am", I am going to say that I am a lost soul searching for her place in the world. I am scared and worried about what the next step is. Perhaps when I reach my ultimate goal, I am not sure what that is yet, but anyway, when I reach my ultimate goal, everything will work out.

"Where I am going." That is a good question, because I could say, "I am going to Kansas City to a photography school, then perhaps to college to study writing and later to a well-earned career. But I cannot say that because I have no idea what my future holds. All I know is that after I die, I will go to Heaven to cleanse myself. Then receive orders from God to find out which unborn child I will become.
*************************************

Interesting....I'm laughing...I graduated High School, moved to Kansas City...got a job, a house and then a car....I did begin Photography classes and did not finish them...I was into a boy..AHHHHHH those were the days...much later, I did finally get a couple of college degrees and I do a have a rewarding career... The whole study writing thing...anyone who has ever taken any college classes will know that no matter the degree...you study writing...LOL....

Darkness

Darkness decends as a cloud of smoke
Wafting down upon my heart
Smokey clouds all around
And I am not able to see
The path is dark
And I am blind
Struggling as a newborn mouse
SMall, Naked, and Blind
Who will come save me
Who will fight through the smoke
Fight through the haze
And see my name
And feel my soul
And breathe their breath against my ear
Who will clasp their fingers within mine
SMile into my eyes
Who will save me
There is darkness in this day
Darkness all around
And I throw my hands up in the air
Surrender, I surrender

I pour my heart out th the night
I sing a song of dark delight
My surrender swirls around the smoke
The cloud moves and a teardrop falls
Reflections of light redeem me
The light washes me
Even through the darkest night
The light sees me
Where I was once Blind, Naked and SMall
I can see
I am clothed in radiance
My spirit grows taller than the RedWood trees
I have risen above the dark despair
I am climbing heights of greatness and beauty
Who will save me
That is my choice
By my own hand I will rise
By the light of mercy I will grow
Who will take my hand and follow
Who wants to grow?

On Being Alone

Golden

Whether awake or asleep
I am unafraid to be the woman
I am
There is power and beauty
Sensitivity and grace
I am too much for mortal man
I seek a god as companion
Mere man cannot understand
The energy and power living and breathing
Coursing through my veins
I walk my days alone
There is no golden-hearted throne
No heir to my heart
No heir to my soul
No match to the love living within my soul
I am unafraid to know what I want
To understand what I seek
A golden heart, a golden soul
Emblazoned with passion
Emblazoned with power
I will know you
By the scent of your flower
The beauty of your soul
The strength of your mercy
Your golden hearted throne
Do not ask for my hand, mortal man
Do not ask to dance
For you see,
I am unafraid to be the woman
I am


I enjoy being single. Truth...Yes
I miss the intimacy of a loving relationship. Truth...Yes

I am comfortable in my skin.
I know who I am and what I want in life and in relationships.
There are lifestyles and people that I choose not to associate with because of their choices in life...
Yes, we all make mistakes. Truth...Yes
Yes, we all deserve forgivness. Truth...Yes

I do not choose to hang out with liars or abusers...
My choice...
My way of life and my being..
I make this choice, because I have had them in my life.
I have made excuses for them.
I have seen myself weak.

I am not weak.
Sometimes, there comes a time when you must learn how to be alone.
To learn how to love yourself.
To be comfortable in your own skin and to know that you are worthy...
Worthy of all your wants and desires in life.
I want to have a loving and committed relationship with my twin flame/soul mate...
I do not choose empty meaningless relationships just because I am alone...
Without love, I would rather be alone.
I will live my days in joy, knowing that I have not settled by choosing someone who does not complete me...
Sure, sometimes...I am lonely...Sometimes I want that companionship...
And then I remember, at what cost? What do I sacrafice in order to settle with a person who does not love me and I do not love in complete beauty...

The Cycle of Life

Again

by Dona Lackey on Friday, November 19, 2010 at 12:01am

I'm a dry creek bed
Rocks hot, rocks cold
Sun shining bright and burning
ShadeTrees reaching out, shading
Sitting on the porch swing, swinging
Life is like biting into a fresh, tart apple
Life is like biting the worm feeding on that apple
Sweet, sour and unexpected
And expected
Surprised and disappointed
Then, eating around the worm hole
To finish most of the apple
Thinking of hot rocks, cold rocks
Touching them and running
Yeah, touching them and running
I feel you out there in the breeze
I feel you in the wind
Rain falls down
Rain pours gently
Ground takes in the rain
Rocks look wet again
Til the sun shines
Til the sun shines
I am a dry creek bed
Dry creek bed, again
Life has cycles
Life has meaning
There cannot be one happening
Without another to balance the change
The rain will come again
The creek will flow
Time will be served for the cycle of life
Watch me grow
Anybody want an apple

Round and round and round life goes...Last year, I finally told my son that I had a disease. I did not tell him the name of the disease, just that sometimes, I get tired and need to rest...I let him know that there was nothing to worry about, I was not going anywhere, anytime soon.

Time has passed and a simple posting in a group on FaceBook brought my HIV status to the forefront of all my friends. I have been open about my status to family and close friends, and those who have sought me for intimate encounters... I was a little bit freaked out, at first and then I figured, WTH and posted a blog about my HIV and then a video about my positive attitude and self-worth...This was all fine and dandy...and I figured, I might as well tell the kid the name of my disease and how I came to be Pozitive...

My son is 10 years old and at this time does not have a complete understanding of sex and explaining HIV and how it was transmitted to me was interesting... His first question, was "what is a condom?"... ARGH!!! LOL
His next question, was "did 'He' give it to you on purpose?"
Needless to say, I had to calm the kid down about my ex...He was so ready to be mad...

The next thing he said, was "mom, you are so healthy...Why were you so worried about me knowing?"...

Ahhh this kid... it wasn't so much that I was worried about him knowing, it was...how do you give a kid the concept of an STD mixed disease/virus? I explained it to him in a way he would understand and reminded him that his sex class in 5th grade would be coming up in the middle of the school year and he could choose whether or not to talk about my HIV status...

Honestly, I do worry about the other kids possibly teasing him or name calling...I don't worry about me, but I do not want my son affected by the stigma... I explained the stigma associated with the Poz status...and still, I am giving him the choice to speak about me, or to wait until he is older...I will stand by his decision, gracefully...

The cycle of life happens...
for every happening, there is a reaction/action...
What is right, what is wrong...
This is a matter of perspective and my way of reacting to the action taking place.
We all choose how to be in this life...
How we react by the choices we make.
I choose to make my life fantastic!
I choose to react in a way that shouts to the world that I am doing alright!
I choose to raise my son to be a good and decent human being who is not defined by labels, because this mama...is not and will not ever be restricted to a label...
My son does not care that I am HIV Poz...all he cares is that I am his mom and that I spend quaility time with him... I plan to do everything in my power to stay healthy and well and keep my son happy...
and so, just call me Dona...because that is my name...my label...Dona

A Thousand Tears

A Thousand Tears
by Dona Lackey on Wednesday, August 18, 2010 at 1:07pm

I saw him as he is
I saw him in his true form
The reduction of his manhood haunts me
The reduction of his essence enlightens me
The form that he has taken is a disguise 
A hat to wear for a time
He is the shadow of a man who could be
The shadow of a man who is
The shade of his spirit haunts me tonight
The reality of his touch 
Pains me deep inside
I have cried a thousand tears for this man
I hoped in him
I marveled in him
I gave my blood for him to live
I became a raisin 
Shriveled and wrinkled
I let him suck my soul dry
Until I was barely living, I was dry
In dying, I live
In the dryness I sought water
Gaining moisture, I live
I live by my own hand of desire
I live in the light of love and mercy
I cannot give my life's blood to him again
Let him live because he wants to live
Let him gain the moisture of a thousand tears
And return them to me
So that I know
So that I understand who this man really is
Give me back my thousand tears of sorrow
Give me back the life I gave to you
I don't know how you are the man 
You say you are
In this moment, I hope
I hope that you become the man you have been fighting to become
I ache for you to become strength
I ache for you to know and understand mercy
To know and understand love
Understand love...


You can love a person and love them and love them and love them...and they do not have to return our love...The hardest part of loving another, is when you learn that you have been used and the love was in vain...

people live and people die, everyday...Choose your lover wisely...

The hardest part is in letting go...
When I love, I love with my whole heart and all of my being...
When you realize that the one you love does not return your love, it hurts...it cuts like a knife and the wound often stays open...
How do you heal a broken heart?
How do you allow the scab to fall away?
I believe the most important part of loving, is learning how to let go...
The love I feel for him is real
Just as real as my breath and my toes
The energy is alive and is circulating me
He knows that he hurt me
He knows that I still love him
He also knows that I do not want him in my life, ever again
I still cannot say his name without feeling like I shouldn't say his name
It lies as a curse within my mouth and I alter his name to keep from giving energy to the love that surrounds me.
I hope for him
To live his life in fullness and in love
As I will one day turn to loving another with my whole heart
For you see, my heart has been returned to me and now for the mystery...
Where the hell did I put that key so that my heart can be placed inside me...

A Vision or a Dream

Vivid dream or vivid vision, you decide.

In 1996, for a short time I stayed with my paternal Grandmother. One night, as I lie sleeping I had an amazing dream. In the dream I awoke in the early morning hours and walked outside. Walking toward me was, Jesus. Dressed in garbs of gowns such as anyone would imagine Jesus to look... I laugh because he was walking so happily toward me, almost strutting...very cool to see...he called me out to the street and we talked. I cannot remember our conversation yet I do remember what happened next. Looking into my eyes, he reached deeply into my abdomen and scooped out the darkness. The black and gunky darkness that was coating me internally. He threw the mess onto the street and proceeded to jump up and down on the top of the mess. As he jumped the darkness was thrown and returned to the earth, disappearing into the street. The color reminded me of a dark grape stain as it splattered to the street...When he was finished he asked me to look at what was left...beautiful pearl/opal glowing seeds... He reached down and scooped as many as would fit in his hands, off the cement and placed them back within my abdomen. One seed was left in his hand, he took my hand and placed the seed within my palm; looking deeply within my soul he said "Plant the seeds so my children know, so my children grow"....

And I awoke...

Love is beautiful.
I often contemplate this dream/vision and wonder about my role as a planter of "seeds"...There is so much more to life than just waking in the morning and going to work and doing the same pattern over and over and over and over again...
Who is going to smile?
Who is going to laugh?
Who is going to sing?
Who is going to plant those seeds?
Just what are those beautiful white opalescent glowing seeds?

In planting the seeds of love, will you nurture your seed?
Water and tend to the tenderness within?
Will you allow yourself to grow in love and in mercy and in compassion and in truth?
Will you weed and tend to the soil surrounding the seed?
The soil is your body.
Will you take care of your body so the the love will grow?

I can tell you about love and life and the light I see...
I can touch your heart and your soul with love...
Will you take the seed?
Will you grow in compassion and in strength of beauty?
Will you let your light shine upon the seed of love?
As love grows, love is tender as it breaks through the seal of your flesh...Let it take root deeply within and flower mightily so that others see the love and light and mercy from you...
As the flower grows seeds are formed...
Harvest them...
plant them in the heart and lives of all you come in contact with...

In the beginning...My Lethal Leash

I keep journals...I have many words that I have written in times of emotional torment...
Below I am sharing some of my emotions in the beginning, soon after I found out about the disease.

I only share information, as I feel compelled...today, I feel compelled to share my inner thoughts.
I hope
I love
I sing
I dance
I smile



Journal entry 04-03-06
Oh how my life has changed. For the better-Hell, I don't know. I am freaked out right now. I am so sad. I cry so much. too much.
I don't want to cry this much. I am so scared. Scared and so alone. Sure I have friends. But who will hold me. Who will hold me when I fall. I am so falling right now. My fear is getting the best of me. I never wanted to be this afraid. Look at me. I tremble.
My Soul is So Screaming in silent agony. Screaming in pain and in fear. Screaming in Agony.

Funny, I expected this. I am not surprised. I have no luck. Damn this- God keeps telling me- here is my peace. Take my peace. I am so trying but it is hard. Hard because-Look at how this will affect the lives of all those that I love. Will I be okay? I am so afraid. God says don't be afraid. Trust in me. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to be strong and be brave- to be Mighty! And Conquer. To create Something Cool out of this Damn fear.

04-05-06

And so I have this lethal Leash 'round my neck. I will create the New Dona.
The appearance of a Seductress-I want to be wanted. But Always- I Stand Alone-

An Invisible Owner- My Lethal Leash Acts as a Choke collar-Reminding Me of my Poison.

I have become a Venomous Creature.

Like the Black Widow Spider-I am Danger
Fear Me
Love me from afar-I am your Condemned Beauty. Haunting dreams-

*My own Dreams are haunted.

I will always Appear to have a Lover, a Secret Lover.
A Virus Owns Me

Basic-My Emotions are fucked. Need to handle this part of me- This adds to the heat

Breathing, Exercise, Meditation are key elements to being Healed.

The Mind is the Best Weapon.

What Mountain will God move- using me And my Affliction

I have never wanted to be Normal Anyway.

Those two entries were the beginning of my journaling and trying to figure out my New life with HIV. I still cry when I feel the emotions of that time. Today, I want to change lives by education and discussing my Virus. My hope is to spark a fire of awareness and growth in all who read or listen to me speak.

"I was dreaming, I hoped to penetrate a house of knowledge which I believed lay beneath the Sea. When I returned to the Land of Men I wanted the Spirits of this great knowledge to make my people Walk in Beauty". Death Chants, Craig Strete




In the beginning, I believed that I was unworthy to love. I questioned, how do you tell a person that you are not worthy to love? How do you tell a person that you are sick and could make him sick? Who am I to potentially pass this virus to anyone else? I began a journey of self-discovery, self-love and getting to know the inner workings of my virus. I was screaming on the inside. Screaming, crying and raging in agony and defeat. My spirit was defeated. My soul was in the fire of Hell and I did not know how to pull myself out. My hands needed to express the emotion I could not release. I drew my scream. I drew a sad and compassionate scream of an agonized woman who loves and needs love. She is what I felt on the inside. At the last stroke and I finally stood back and looked at what I created, I felt my scream begin to fade and I began to heal. Finally, I understood the raging emotion and pain, the deception of a lover's lie.

On April 8th, 2006 I was involved in a photo shoot with a photographer friend who was creating art. He had a box and my job was to put what makes me, me in the box. I have never been contained in a box. I brought my Scream and a large candle stand, candle, crystals, paint brush and a leopard print pink and black scarf...All of these items fit on top, behind and within the box...The lights were darkened and there I was standing in the dark with items that defined me and suddenly flashlights began flashing and my friend began snapping photos. This experience was an amazing moment. My darkness, illuminated. My emotion, in print, for all to see.
My healing began...

Journal entry 04-14-06

I bought flowers and planted them.
Life has taken a sweeter scent-I am able to detect the lovely scent of life.
It whispers sweetly within my nostrils
Tickling the tiny hairs-the scent pleases me.

How is it that Love has been brought forth in such a Shattered glass
The broken Shards bleed
And the dream has begun
Lesson Number one.

Journal entry 05-06-06

This is a time of Healing-My path is as a Healer.
And this I have known. To begin is with my own healing-
My belief, my hope is to be passed
My body will be healed of HIV-
My Soul will be cleansed
Anger and Embitterment will be gone.
In a crystal healing wave I am learning to navigate the energy.

Along with Healing there is a change of life-
I can be healed-but if I do not take advantage of the Healing
The Afflictions most likely will come back-to be Healed
Does not make us impervious to further ailments
We do not be become Gods-
That, that has befallen, will fall again
If lessons in the healing have not been learned.

Journal Entry 05-31-06

I believe in Love. I believe in Fury and in the Wrath of God. I believe that all things happen for a Reason. What do we learn? How do we react to all that takes place in life? this life is the true lesson. Do we learn? Do we become what our Soul cries to become? How do we accept the strength that is created in our Struggles during this time-this life?

God Loves. Everything that has been created is created out of love. Is God willing to destroy a product of His creation out of Great Love. Yes.

Thank you, my Lord! For this unusual gift. You alone understood the boundaries that I needed within my life. All I ask is the strength to carry on. To remain healthy and to become healthier. Perhaps in time I do want to be healed. I trust you in this.
A Faith-Calm certainty that all will be fine. All will be well. These things will be done.
Is it okay to Love Roman? What is our truth?
How do I proceed? Confrontation and understanding-Freedom of guilt.
~Speak in words of Love. Honor and Commitment. Truth will Follow...Freedom of Lies~


Hmmmmm....and now...today, in this moment...I wonder, when will I be chosen as the person who completes another and I wonder, why have I never been enough...Why didn't I allow myself to be enough...
Life Lessons
Life Lessons
Life Lessons...
I am good with the Life Lessons... They only serve to make us stronger...

I'm still me...

In High School, I found a quote in a movie that I loved and has since remained a powerful quote in my life. "Real life sucks losers dry, if you want to fuck with the Eagles you better learn to fly". This quote is from the movie Heather's. A Winona Ryder and Christian Slater flick. A warped and morbid tale of love woe, suicide, murder and youth. An 80's movie cannot get any better! I graduated High School in 1991 and wrote the quote in every yearbook I signed. Everyone thought I was weird. A good weird. Whatever "good weird" means. To this day, I consider the quote, Real Life Sucks Losers Dry. I ask myself, am I a loser? Heck no, I am not a loser and I am not gonna let any part of life suck me dry. I am gonna head on up to the sky with the Eagles, cause baby I am gonna fly!

I flew through life. Living, working and playing. I had relationships. Short and to the point. Sex partners who wanted a fuck buddy and nothing else. I kept everything in the line. Never had more than one guy during a cycle. Kept things straight. Friends to hang with and a guy to fuck, pretty good life until I met Him.

Mae West, said it best, "I love and have known love. It was Hell. It was Heaven. I gave up heaven because I did not want the Hell." He was a smooth, dark, long haired hottie. I wanted him. We kissed that night. He took me home and I had the most exciting, rough sex of my life. Yummy. I remember him standing by the refrigerator, holding a jug of milk. He was naked, hard. His penis was the most beautiful penis I had ever see on a man in my life. I am not the kind of woman who is that big of a fan of the penis. I never thought they could be beautiful, but there it was, semi-erect and and beautiful.

We continued seeing/fucking each other for a time and then he disappeared. Gone, and I had no way of finding him. A couple of months later, I met another man who not much later became better known as my son's father. My life is full of stories within stories and those stories have a tale or two and I won't bore you with the particulars. My son's father and I did not stay together. My son was born in 2000. In 2002, the beautiful penis came back into my life. He was a whirlwind. I let him in and wanted him to stay. Stay he did. He became infused into my daily life, the first man I ever let live with me and it was all because of his beautiful Penis.

His beautiful penis was a virus loaded tool and now, my blood is poison. Alice Cooper sings a song, "Poison running through my veins, Poison". I am HIV +.

From here on out, we shall call the beautiful penis, "Roman".

Time gave me answers that I did not have in the beginning. Later, I found out that one week prior to his coming back into my life; he met another woman. He spent his days with her and his nights with me. She worked nights and I worked days and went to school in the evening. She lived a block and a half away. One morning, on my way out the door to leave for work, I found an envelope on my truck dash. In it, was a letter to Roman from a woman who was extremely distraught because he was cheating on her. I read the entire letter. Took it in the house and threw it at him and asked who was she and what was she talking about. His answer, was that the woman was a crack whore who goes to a bar that he frequents and she was pissed off at him and wanted to make me mad. Frankly, I didn't believe him and a few days later, she and I met one another.

We were not angry at each other, we were angry with him. He told us the same story, the same lines and all the same BS. She and I spent the evening talking and hanging out learning about each other and our relationship with this man. During this time, she told me another story. She had been married and her husband committed suicide 20 years prior to our meeting. He didn't leave a note. She and her husband used to "shoot up" drugs. She told me about her life and the hard knocks she had lived through and then she laughed and asked if I remembered when Roman's penis had been chafed, like it had a wind-burn and I told her that I remembered, because I asked him what was up with his dick... His response, was "nothing to worry about, we've been fucking too much"... She went on to tell me that it was chafed because she used Spermicide because it will "kill" anything...

On a side note: FYI: A man can get the virus from a woman who has a high viral load when he has micro-abrasions on his penis. The chafing was an open door to the virus transmission.

Time passed and he decided that he wanted to work things out with me and I let him. They never saw each other again. One day at work I and had an anonymous phone call. The caller proceeded to tell me that she knew that the woman that Roman had been with was HIV+ and had been for over 20 years...She thought that I should get tested...So, I immediately called the woman he had cheated on me with and told her about the call and her response was no, not true it is just a rumor that someone started years ago. So, I called Roman and asked him about the "rumor". His response, was that he had heard about it and asked her and she told him that it was not true. They used condoms for a while until he got drunk and forgot and that was when she started using the Spermicide and his penis chafed.
Anyhow, long story short...I finally was tested in 2006 for HIV and I tested positive. I contacted many people that day and during that first week. She was one of the people that I contacted. I let her know that I tested positive and her response was "you will be okay, I have known people who have had it for over 20 years and they are okay"...

Right then, I knew. I knew that she was Poz....and had been for a very long time. When you tell a person that you are HIV Positive and you have slept with the same person, your reaction is not calm. You freak out. You cry. You go get tested.

She is dead now. She died last March of AIDs. She did not take care of herself, She continued using illegal drugs and she did not take HIV meds.

I began a big life change, changed my diet and quit smoking. I started taking a Big interest in my health and wellness. I started seeing an Infectious Disease Doctor and had lab work done every three months. I started HIV Medication in 2009, because my lab results were beginning to suck...and the fatigue was killing me. Now, my lab work is awesome and my Viral Load is undetectable and my CD4 counts are at almost 400. I am in an extremely good place, health-wise and mind-wise.

The most important thing to remember, is that this can and will happen to anyone. This virus does not discriminate, you can be Gay, Straight, man or a woman. No one is safe from this Virus. This story does have a ring of the "blame" game and I hope you who have read this story understand that I am also responsible. I am the one who decided to have unsafe sex with a man who had not been tested for any sexual diseases. We are all to blame. I urge you all to get tested for HIV and actually care about you sex partners by practicing safer sex. Teach your children to care about themselves enough to take precaution not only for them but for their sexual partners in the future.

Charlie

"Oops, there goes Charlie..." a phrase I have been saying since I was around 3 years old. Every time I see a cloudy white puff of dandelion floating through the air, I automatically say that phrase.

"Charlie" gave me a sense of the unknown. All my life, I watched "life" float by. Going here and going there and sometimes I would catch one, smile and let it go because I knew it had places to go and a job to do...I was content and felt I had a big secret about life. Funny thing was, the secret was not mine to know until I grew in knowledge of life and death. We are fleeting creatures, here for a moment and touching lives by imprinting upon the memory of those who love us. Our spirit lives on.

As I say the phrase, I have a memory of a dog who lived in my neighborhood. Charlie was a scruffy; brown Bengie looking dog. He didn't belong to anyone, and everyone fed him. I loved the Charlie. One day a young man/boy named Jamie climbed to the top of a Tower. I remember thinking that Jamie should have been a girl and not a boy because of the Million Dollar Man television series and Jamie was his wife or girlfriend...I remember feeling confused and concerned because that day, most of the neighborhood was outside watching what was happening with the boy who climbed the tower and Charlie, the dog was hit by a car. I remember wondering why no one seemed to be too concerned and I was sad. During the confusion and action, I watched Charlie take his last breath. Watching, I said, "Oops, there goes Charlie..."

The full memory was not intact until a few years ago. My son was 4 years old and my little Maltese had a litter of puppies. She was insecure and often carried the pups to lay at my feet. From the front of the house, to the back of the house she would carry those little buggers...and I would get frustrated and take them back to my room and put them in the middle of the floor. One day, my son ran into my room and tripped over and onto one of the pups. They were only about 3 weeks old and pretty much defenseless. The female he stepped on, was dying. She was bleeding from her nose and in pain. I knew that she did not have much time left in this world so I held her and sent loving energy until she took her last breath.

It was a hot July Summer day and my air conditioner was malfunctioned. My room was hot and her little body trembling as her breath shuddered. She breathed in and heart stopped and I watched a small wisp of puff escape from her mouth. I knew that she was dead. In that moment, I understood why I had been saying, "oops there goes Charlie"....

The unknown was made known to me. I watched a puzzle piece fit within the jigsaw mess of my life and I understood the nature of my being in a profound way. I have seen the Spirit/Soul leave the body. I have watched the essence dissipate into the air and witnessed puffs of dandelion weed remind me of life and death and my place in the world. To this day when I see a "puff" of life flit past me, I smile and remember the blessing of life and the purpose of the soul. I remember my loved ones, the ones who have gone on ahead of me to the great dissipation. A great sense of wonder inhabits my mind and I think of the many possibilities the Soul experiences. I let my mind escape, travel with the puff of dandelion, I am free. I am free. Content and connected. "oops, There goes Dona!"

Believe

To believe, or not to believe...that is the question
Whether tis nobler in the mind....and so on and so forth...

Seriously, I have long searched out why I believe what I believe...

As a child, I was raised RLDS
Later, I went to denomination after denomination trying to figure out where my church home was...I found so much hate for other religions in the church...I never understood that...why, if we are Christians and supposed to love one another and not be judgmental...why are we judging every other religion that exists?

I visited Pentecostal, United Pentecostal, Assembly of God, Baptist, Southern Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, Presbytarian, Episcopal, Catholic and non-denominational...

I did find, that I love mass...I love the quiet solitude and the presence that I feel and experience in the prayer, during mass...

I have also experienced...that it is the people...not the always the church that makes these judgments...but, didn't Christ say that the people are the body...and the body the church/bride... so, I shake my head and wonder...

And I thought...What happened to worship...real worship of a god...the lay down on the ground belief that the worship must be pleasing to god for fertility/crops/growth/abundance...Where did the primitive worship go...so, I started researching many religions...pagan, hindu, buddihist, christianity, judiasim, and others...just to see what they believed and how they worshiped..why they worshipped...

I didn't research, alone...I did this with prayer...and meditation...and lots of reading...I found out things that I never before knew...The key thing to remember here...is that I searched many texts...not just one author's thoughts...but many...and through prayer...I understand why I believe what I believe...and see religion the way I see it...I am not going to try to sway anyone...but, I urge you to educate yourselves...and find out why you believe what you believe...

Or, will you follow the masses...and let other's beleifs dictate your beliefs? Will you allow your children to be like the herd and follow~because of fear...and dive off the cliff to destruction...

People get angry when religion is discussed...I don't understand...
I can tell you that I like the color red..and you will tell me that you like the color orange...and I don't get mad...

Why do people get so angry about religion?
The prayers of the people go where the prayers are supposed to go...

I said what I needed to say

My previous blog was about an ex boyfriend coming into town...Well, he came to town and visited me...
I heard the same story, how he loves me and there isn't anyone else...he has been on his own and not even dating.
Needless to say, I didn't believe him. I listened to his story and I let him hold me and caress me...it was nice...I hadn't been touched in a while.
The second day he was with me, he was sleeping on the couch; so I decided to take a look at his phone...keep in mind~this is the man who cheated on me and help ensure that my life was irrevokably changed~forever...
His phone had no contacts and was basically wiped except for the "sent" text messages. The first on, was to a person in the State that he came from to visit me...it said "I love you, I am coming home I want to make us work" and then there were two other texts sent to the same # expressing his love and devotion...funny, that is exactly the thing he did to me when he went out of town to work...and then he never came back...

So, I waited...I didn't say anything~I wasn't mad; just disappointed that he would have the gall to lie to me...still...

I drove him back to his brother's house and asked him...So, tell me about your girlfriend...
His response was Huh...I don't have a girlfriend...
I said, Yes you do...I checked your phone...I saw your sent text messages that said how you loved her and want to make things work...

He immediately started getting flustered...tried to convince me that she was a room-mate and that he cared for her...I just laughed...

I told him, I don't care if you have a girlfriend...We have not been together for a couple of years...have one, have two...do you think I have been sitting around waiting on you to come back? I've been dating and last year I had a really cool thing going on...and then I screwed it up because of my trust issues that I have because of our relationship.
If you are telling her that you love her and are coming home...then go home and love her...You cannot do anything for me...I cannot put myself through this again...

I told him, that I love him...I am not interested in being with him...
I have many options and I want to be happy!!!
The couple of days that he spent with me...I was not happy...I felt oppressed and nervous...
I don't want that feeling!

Feeling things out

Seriously, I am touching the wind.
I have had an interesting life. Hah, yeah...
I became acquainted with death and desertion at a very young age. For years, I told myself that I understood what both meant. Did I really?
Yeah, not so sure about it now.
The first death that I experienced, was my step-grandma. I remember not knowing how to feel. There she lay, a woman who liked me and taught me how to make home-made noodles...(I was pretty young when she taught me, considering that I was only 7 when she passed away)I remember my mother telling me that it was alright to touch her. She was cold and I didn't expect to feel what I felt, nothing. All I knew, was that she was not there and never would be, ever again.
The next one, was my father. His death was savage, cancer ate away every ounce of flesh on his body, I remember him looking at my brother and I and wondering why we were visiting, it hurt him to see us see him dying...This memory is a tough one for me and even now, I cry. The next time that I saw him, he was in this casket. I was 8 years old. I remember seeing a bald, old man in the casket where my father was supposed to lay and I went to every room in that building, looking for my dad. Of course, my family found me and assured me that the man in the casket was my father. That was hell of an assurance. They took me back up to see him and I looked at this man and wondered how he could be my father. My father was beautiful and young and this man was old and tiny...People all around me kept saying how he was in a better place and I wondered how any place could be better and that it wasn't fair because I barely knew him so once again, how could it be better? My brother cried. I cried, I cried more for my brother than for me, because I all knew was that my father was not there and never would be, ever again.
See, I knew that I would be okay. I had this step-father. He had been my step-dad since I was 3 years old. I loved him and I hated him. He ripped me up emotionally and aided in the lack of confidence that I had for most of my childhood through my teens...There were times when he was a real dad to me and other times when I hated him so much that I wanted to rip his flesh with my fingernails and dig until I ripped off lengths of flesh...yeah, pretty harsh and violent...I know...
Life was pretty interesting when you feared, hated and loved someone. There are whole stories within stories that I don't feel necessary to divulge at this time.
Needless to say, my mom and step-dad divorced and he was gone. Just like that. I hated him and was happy to have him gone and at the same time~I missed him and didn't understand why I felt the way I felt...It was pretty confusing for me. The hardest part was the finality of it all. I went from having this "dad" figure in my life, to having none and I had no closure and I felt abandoned.
Life went on and I had animals, dogs, horses, cats, rabbits and even ducks. They came and they went. Some due to death and others due to being sold or given away. None of these were my choice...at each occurrence, whether in death or going to a new home, I felt abandoned. I felt a little peiece of my heart being ripped from my body and I didn't know how to feel or express what I felt. Once they are gone...how do you tell them how you feel?

So, I figured that it would be so much easier not to love anyone, anymore. And, I stopped loving. Anytime anyone got to close, I pushed them away...and ran. I told myself that I was happy and that this was my safety. Although, deep down inside...I wanted to be loved. I still want to be loved. I need to be loved the way I love.
And so, here it is...why this is all coming up. My ex is coming to town. (the one man that I let myself love) He left. I had no closure and felt abandoned. I was abandoned, there is no feeling to it...the guy left and didn't have the decency to even tell me...honestly, that sucks...He hurt me and he hurt my son. So, he will be in KC, tonight and I will probably see him tomorrow. I want to give my son the opportunity that I didn't have and tell this man how he feels.
I have already told him how I feel...
He knows it was wrong. He has not heard it from my son's mouth.

The hardest part, is knowing that he is out there...Choosing to be away...
So, here I am. Feeling the wind. He says that he loves me and wants things to be like they were~that he doesn't feel at home unless he is with me...
Is this a ruse?
Am I a necessity because all other options have run out?
Is the love that he says he has for me, real and true?
How do you reach out and touch the wind and really know the truth?
yeah...

Memories

Memories 

I liked them all. A twelve year old girl hanging with the boys. They were so cool and easy to hang with~ Boys...all cute and full of vigor and excitement! I had a crush on them all and could configure how we would hold hands and maybe even kiss! A little girls innocent dream. 

I never felt very pretty. Never even had an inkling that boys would even be attracted to me, so...I became their buddy...well, and when you think about it, boys were so much easier to hang out with than girls...girls were always flaky and fake...liking a person one day and trying to get everyone to hate someone else, the next. I never wanted to take sides and went to some extremes to keep away from the traumatic drama of girls...

So, boys...yep...The boy I had the most crush on...I hardly ever talked to, when I looked at him I saw fire pouring from his veins, he was the great Vesuvius and I was not ready to be burned! More often than not, I would give him a quick look and then look away...hmmmm...sweet memory
The other boys, talking and laughing and playing ball! I would have dated any of the boys that I had a crush on! Hahah! I just never had the guts to let them know the depth of my attraction! LOL probably a good thing! Had I been as bold as I am now...I would have been a SO much trouble!

Even in high school, I hung out with boys...friended them without the thought of ever dating one of them! Didn't stop the crush factor...They were all so cute! I never had the confidence to pursue them in any way other than friendship! 

My first boyfriend, I didn't even know how to be a girlfriend. I was 16 years old and never been kissed...and then, I was kissed! So much fun, kissing and hickeys! Nothing better than that, unless it was drinking a beer with a straw just so you could get a "buzz" quicker! 
He wanted to hold my hand at school, I was afraid...how do you show emotion in front of strangers? Well, friends...people that I didn't even like~Yeah, I didn't even know how to hold his hand...I wasn't a good first girlfriend...and we didn't make it...
MY 2ND boyfriend, we took each others virginity...it was so exciting until penetration...that was pretty damn crazy, none of the historical romances that I read prepared me for that feeling or the feeling afterwards...
He wanted to marry me...I told him no...How could I marry him? We had the rest of our lives to experience and school to finish...No, I couldn't marry him...Did I love him? yes...I did, I just knew that I had  many other parts of life to experience before I became a wife...
We didn't make it...I am so happy about that! He ended up meeting a distant relative of mine and marrying her...and then going to prison for armed robbery...Guess I have made some interesting choices hahah! 

After that, I kept to a strict pattern...never telling the guy I was most attracted to, that I was attracted...and then hanging out with guys that were friends and if I did date a guy, I didn't show emotion, because how do you show emotion to the whole world~friends or even to people that you don't like?
When the guy fell for me, I fell back and went away...
I figured it was easier to not love...easier to keep from getting hurt and guess what...I hurt people in that process...

Pretty sure I am doing a penance now...

I have learned, I am able to love selfless-ly
Is it too late?

I once wore bloomers, bright red bloomers made by by a blind woman so I could be Amelia Earhart in a school skit...
Where did the time go? 

The Graveyard is not my home

01/06/11

Creativity evaded me, for a while. Words did not flow from my fingertips...the way that they should. I have been quiet. 
The silence is not the right place for me, my voice needs to be heard~the sound to ring out loud to all who have the ears to hear.
Sometimes I hear the grave calling to me. Sometimes I wonder if I am really alive. Am I living in a fantasy of life?
Some days are hazy and some are not. Minutes trickle by in the memory of thought and I feel no pain. I feel no fear. Life is here and life is there. What happens, happens and that is about all there is to say about that!
I don't have the answers.
I do have questions.
The same questions that you ask and the same answers that you seek~why do "we" make things so hard for one another? I am wondering what is going on in the world and I know I am not the only one. 
Have you ever dreamt of the grave? Have you ever taken yourself to a graveyard and wondered how it felt to call that place home? I have. The day that shattered my reality into believing in my final destiny, took me to that graveyard. I put myself upon my father's grave and looked around wondering what it would feel like to call that spot my home. I wondered, should I die now and save the world the trouble of watching me suffer. My father suffered in his disease. I remember. That memory reminded me to stay strong and fight for life and not accept the disease invading my body. I cannot and will not ever let my son see me dying, the way I watched my father suffer. 

My disease has no name. Not today... 
My disease has a voice and a motive.
Mine will create change and inspire growth in the lives all those who know me and those I have yet to meet...

Some days I am tired. I sleep. When I awaken, I think about what is available for me to live a healthier life. The right foods and proper mix of exercise are amazing! I will not lie to you, I am afraid. I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of suffering and the inability to care for myself. I am afraid for my son to see me, the way my brother and I saw our father. This fear is not a real fear, it is one derived from strength and determination to be the best that I can be and to inspire courage! 

I take myself back to the grave and I look around with the knowledge that this is not my time to be here, not now...my circle is not complete, not yet. I have to have time to tell a story about my rebirth into life. 

Let Hope Live...?

The world is a crazy place.
Who defines love?
Who creates the simple tunes that life leads us toward?
Is it me?
Is it you?
What role do I play in your life?
What is my place in this wide expanse called earth?

How do I love?
I love with my whole heart and being. I put all of who I am, into who I love.
I love in passionate beauty.

All I have ever wanted, was to be loved the way I love.
Love me in passionate beauty
Love me in truth and in honesty.

I am not a complicated creature, I am a woman who is tired of hoping and a woman who has not given up on hope.

Who are you to take hope from me?
Really, I take hope from myself when I become disappointed. So, don't disappoint me...
I can turn that on to myself as well. I become disappointed because of my expectations. I expect people to be like me and when they fall below the standards that I set for myself, I am disappointed. In reality, people are people. I too, have disappointed others. I am not perfect for every person...just as every person is not perfect for me.

See, I have loved the same man for years. He is smart and funny and makes me feel like I am a million dollars and worth every penny until he disappears. When he disappears, it feels like I have never existed for anyone and then he will pop back up and make me "feel" again...boy, I will feel him and be with him and love him all over again...He brings this hope back up and it flows and fills my heart til I am sure that I will burst...Then the inevitable happens and he crushes the hope, crushes the love and destroys me, for a time...
I don't let things get me down, but loving him is never certain...
How do I get him to really understand what happens to me and others, when he disappears?
Is it my place to create this reality in him?
Does he understand this, without my telling him?
Does he even care?

When we are together, it feels right.
When he is gone, I feel lost and incomplete...
Will he be able to complete me, this time?
Will I be able to let him try?