In the beginning...My Lethal Leash

I keep journals...I have many words that I have written in times of emotional torment...
Below I am sharing some of my emotions in the beginning, soon after I found out about the disease.

I only share information, as I feel compelled...today, I feel compelled to share my inner thoughts.
I hope
I love
I sing
I dance
I smile



Journal entry 04-03-06
Oh how my life has changed. For the better-Hell, I don't know. I am freaked out right now. I am so sad. I cry so much. too much.
I don't want to cry this much. I am so scared. Scared and so alone. Sure I have friends. But who will hold me. Who will hold me when I fall. I am so falling right now. My fear is getting the best of me. I never wanted to be this afraid. Look at me. I tremble.
My Soul is So Screaming in silent agony. Screaming in pain and in fear. Screaming in Agony.

Funny, I expected this. I am not surprised. I have no luck. Damn this- God keeps telling me- here is my peace. Take my peace. I am so trying but it is hard. Hard because-Look at how this will affect the lives of all those that I love. Will I be okay? I am so afraid. God says don't be afraid. Trust in me. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to be strong and be brave- to be Mighty! And Conquer. To create Something Cool out of this Damn fear.

04-05-06

And so I have this lethal Leash 'round my neck. I will create the New Dona.
The appearance of a Seductress-I want to be wanted. But Always- I Stand Alone-

An Invisible Owner- My Lethal Leash Acts as a Choke collar-Reminding Me of my Poison.

I have become a Venomous Creature.

Like the Black Widow Spider-I am Danger
Fear Me
Love me from afar-I am your Condemned Beauty. Haunting dreams-

*My own Dreams are haunted.

I will always Appear to have a Lover, a Secret Lover.
A Virus Owns Me

Basic-My Emotions are fucked. Need to handle this part of me- This adds to the heat

Breathing, Exercise, Meditation are key elements to being Healed.

The Mind is the Best Weapon.

What Mountain will God move- using me And my Affliction

I have never wanted to be Normal Anyway.

Those two entries were the beginning of my journaling and trying to figure out my New life with HIV. I still cry when I feel the emotions of that time. Today, I want to change lives by education and discussing my Virus. My hope is to spark a fire of awareness and growth in all who read or listen to me speak.

"I was dreaming, I hoped to penetrate a house of knowledge which I believed lay beneath the Sea. When I returned to the Land of Men I wanted the Spirits of this great knowledge to make my people Walk in Beauty". Death Chants, Craig Strete




In the beginning, I believed that I was unworthy to love. I questioned, how do you tell a person that you are not worthy to love? How do you tell a person that you are sick and could make him sick? Who am I to potentially pass this virus to anyone else? I began a journey of self-discovery, self-love and getting to know the inner workings of my virus. I was screaming on the inside. Screaming, crying and raging in agony and defeat. My spirit was defeated. My soul was in the fire of Hell and I did not know how to pull myself out. My hands needed to express the emotion I could not release. I drew my scream. I drew a sad and compassionate scream of an agonized woman who loves and needs love. She is what I felt on the inside. At the last stroke and I finally stood back and looked at what I created, I felt my scream begin to fade and I began to heal. Finally, I understood the raging emotion and pain, the deception of a lover's lie.

On April 8th, 2006 I was involved in a photo shoot with a photographer friend who was creating art. He had a box and my job was to put what makes me, me in the box. I have never been contained in a box. I brought my Scream and a large candle stand, candle, crystals, paint brush and a leopard print pink and black scarf...All of these items fit on top, behind and within the box...The lights were darkened and there I was standing in the dark with items that defined me and suddenly flashlights began flashing and my friend began snapping photos. This experience was an amazing moment. My darkness, illuminated. My emotion, in print, for all to see.
My healing began...

Journal entry 04-14-06

I bought flowers and planted them.
Life has taken a sweeter scent-I am able to detect the lovely scent of life.
It whispers sweetly within my nostrils
Tickling the tiny hairs-the scent pleases me.

How is it that Love has been brought forth in such a Shattered glass
The broken Shards bleed
And the dream has begun
Lesson Number one.

Journal entry 05-06-06

This is a time of Healing-My path is as a Healer.
And this I have known. To begin is with my own healing-
My belief, my hope is to be passed
My body will be healed of HIV-
My Soul will be cleansed
Anger and Embitterment will be gone.
In a crystal healing wave I am learning to navigate the energy.

Along with Healing there is a change of life-
I can be healed-but if I do not take advantage of the Healing
The Afflictions most likely will come back-to be Healed
Does not make us impervious to further ailments
We do not be become Gods-
That, that has befallen, will fall again
If lessons in the healing have not been learned.

Journal Entry 05-31-06

I believe in Love. I believe in Fury and in the Wrath of God. I believe that all things happen for a Reason. What do we learn? How do we react to all that takes place in life? this life is the true lesson. Do we learn? Do we become what our Soul cries to become? How do we accept the strength that is created in our Struggles during this time-this life?

God Loves. Everything that has been created is created out of love. Is God willing to destroy a product of His creation out of Great Love. Yes.

Thank you, my Lord! For this unusual gift. You alone understood the boundaries that I needed within my life. All I ask is the strength to carry on. To remain healthy and to become healthier. Perhaps in time I do want to be healed. I trust you in this.
A Faith-Calm certainty that all will be fine. All will be well. These things will be done.
Is it okay to Love Roman? What is our truth?
How do I proceed? Confrontation and understanding-Freedom of guilt.
~Speak in words of Love. Honor and Commitment. Truth will Follow...Freedom of Lies~


Hmmmmm....and now...today, in this moment...I wonder, when will I be chosen as the person who completes another and I wonder, why have I never been enough...Why didn't I allow myself to be enough...
Life Lessons
Life Lessons
Life Lessons...
I am good with the Life Lessons... They only serve to make us stronger...

I'm still me...

In High School, I found a quote in a movie that I loved and has since remained a powerful quote in my life. "Real life sucks losers dry, if you want to fuck with the Eagles you better learn to fly". This quote is from the movie Heather's. A Winona Ryder and Christian Slater flick. A warped and morbid tale of love woe, suicide, murder and youth. An 80's movie cannot get any better! I graduated High School in 1991 and wrote the quote in every yearbook I signed. Everyone thought I was weird. A good weird. Whatever "good weird" means. To this day, I consider the quote, Real Life Sucks Losers Dry. I ask myself, am I a loser? Heck no, I am not a loser and I am not gonna let any part of life suck me dry. I am gonna head on up to the sky with the Eagles, cause baby I am gonna fly!

I flew through life. Living, working and playing. I had relationships. Short and to the point. Sex partners who wanted a fuck buddy and nothing else. I kept everything in the line. Never had more than one guy during a cycle. Kept things straight. Friends to hang with and a guy to fuck, pretty good life until I met Him.

Mae West, said it best, "I love and have known love. It was Hell. It was Heaven. I gave up heaven because I did not want the Hell." He was a smooth, dark, long haired hottie. I wanted him. We kissed that night. He took me home and I had the most exciting, rough sex of my life. Yummy. I remember him standing by the refrigerator, holding a jug of milk. He was naked, hard. His penis was the most beautiful penis I had ever see on a man in my life. I am not the kind of woman who is that big of a fan of the penis. I never thought they could be beautiful, but there it was, semi-erect and and beautiful.

We continued seeing/fucking each other for a time and then he disappeared. Gone, and I had no way of finding him. A couple of months later, I met another man who not much later became better known as my son's father. My life is full of stories within stories and those stories have a tale or two and I won't bore you with the particulars. My son's father and I did not stay together. My son was born in 2000. In 2002, the beautiful penis came back into my life. He was a whirlwind. I let him in and wanted him to stay. Stay he did. He became infused into my daily life, the first man I ever let live with me and it was all because of his beautiful Penis.

His beautiful penis was a virus loaded tool and now, my blood is poison. Alice Cooper sings a song, "Poison running through my veins, Poison". I am HIV +.

From here on out, we shall call the beautiful penis, "Roman".

Time gave me answers that I did not have in the beginning. Later, I found out that one week prior to his coming back into my life; he met another woman. He spent his days with her and his nights with me. She worked nights and I worked days and went to school in the evening. She lived a block and a half away. One morning, on my way out the door to leave for work, I found an envelope on my truck dash. In it, was a letter to Roman from a woman who was extremely distraught because he was cheating on her. I read the entire letter. Took it in the house and threw it at him and asked who was she and what was she talking about. His answer, was that the woman was a crack whore who goes to a bar that he frequents and she was pissed off at him and wanted to make me mad. Frankly, I didn't believe him and a few days later, she and I met one another.

We were not angry at each other, we were angry with him. He told us the same story, the same lines and all the same BS. She and I spent the evening talking and hanging out learning about each other and our relationship with this man. During this time, she told me another story. She had been married and her husband committed suicide 20 years prior to our meeting. He didn't leave a note. She and her husband used to "shoot up" drugs. She told me about her life and the hard knocks she had lived through and then she laughed and asked if I remembered when Roman's penis had been chafed, like it had a wind-burn and I told her that I remembered, because I asked him what was up with his dick... His response, was "nothing to worry about, we've been fucking too much"... She went on to tell me that it was chafed because she used Spermicide because it will "kill" anything...

On a side note: FYI: A man can get the virus from a woman who has a high viral load when he has micro-abrasions on his penis. The chafing was an open door to the virus transmission.

Time passed and he decided that he wanted to work things out with me and I let him. They never saw each other again. One day at work I and had an anonymous phone call. The caller proceeded to tell me that she knew that the woman that Roman had been with was HIV+ and had been for over 20 years...She thought that I should get tested...So, I immediately called the woman he had cheated on me with and told her about the call and her response was no, not true it is just a rumor that someone started years ago. So, I called Roman and asked him about the "rumor". His response, was that he had heard about it and asked her and she told him that it was not true. They used condoms for a while until he got drunk and forgot and that was when she started using the Spermicide and his penis chafed.
Anyhow, long story short...I finally was tested in 2006 for HIV and I tested positive. I contacted many people that day and during that first week. She was one of the people that I contacted. I let her know that I tested positive and her response was "you will be okay, I have known people who have had it for over 20 years and they are okay"...

Right then, I knew. I knew that she was Poz....and had been for a very long time. When you tell a person that you are HIV Positive and you have slept with the same person, your reaction is not calm. You freak out. You cry. You go get tested.

She is dead now. She died last March of AIDs. She did not take care of herself, She continued using illegal drugs and she did not take HIV meds.

I began a big life change, changed my diet and quit smoking. I started taking a Big interest in my health and wellness. I started seeing an Infectious Disease Doctor and had lab work done every three months. I started HIV Medication in 2009, because my lab results were beginning to suck...and the fatigue was killing me. Now, my lab work is awesome and my Viral Load is undetectable and my CD4 counts are at almost 400. I am in an extremely good place, health-wise and mind-wise.

The most important thing to remember, is that this can and will happen to anyone. This virus does not discriminate, you can be Gay, Straight, man or a woman. No one is safe from this Virus. This story does have a ring of the "blame" game and I hope you who have read this story understand that I am also responsible. I am the one who decided to have unsafe sex with a man who had not been tested for any sexual diseases. We are all to blame. I urge you all to get tested for HIV and actually care about you sex partners by practicing safer sex. Teach your children to care about themselves enough to take precaution not only for them but for their sexual partners in the future.