The Letter

Below is the letter/email I wrote to the first NEG man I disclosed to. The Letter Have you ever seen the mist? The cool morning mist as it rises above a pond and clings to the meadow; wafting over the road. The mist is a dream and nothing seems real. So many times, I have wanted to disappear into the mist. To live as if my life was not real. Subtle movements as in a dream and I escape my reality. Life appears easier in the mist, soft and cool currents of movement swirling around causing me to disappear in its depth. Yet, reality gripes at the edge of my sanity. My sanity and my life walk a narrow path down a deeply wooded road. I don’t have all the answers, all I know is that my road is uncertain and sometimes I am afraid.  The first time I remember noticing the mist, I was a little girl. Probably around 3 years old. The fog scared some and I ached in the anticipation of what could not be seen and I felt the thrill of taking the chance and going forward into the unknown. Yes, I was afraid and at the same time I was ready for whatever came my way. Years would go by and I still love the foggy mist. I remember being excited in the morning waking to the foggy day. The morning became thrilling and exhilarating. Waking at the crack of dawn and whistling for the dogs and horses to come for their morning feed, I learned to be still and listen for their footprints to sound from around the mountain and the dogs playing and jumping around; each excited at the newness the day brought. Later riding the bus to school I remember feeling myself mentally disappear into the mist and feeling solace there.  The last few weeks in knowing you and spending time; whether physically, mentally or on the phone; I have been spending allot of time in the mist. Thank you, this has been nice. Real but not real. Feels good to feel this way again. I have been moving forward with caution, afraid yet ready for whatever outcome happens out of you hearing my story. I have already mentioned to you that I wanted to move slowly and that I did not want to proceed to deepening our intimacy until you heard my story. I have had a major trust issue and my choice was taken from me. My heart has been hurt in such a way that I cannot explain the hurt. I can only feel the depth of the pain that lives in me and in those who also know my story.  I have a disease that came from loving a man who cheated both of us of so much time, I am HIV+. I know my lineage. I know how it happened. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. I don’t like it. My life has been forever changed. I didn’t choose this, yet from having the disease, I have learned so much. I started medication in July and now my levels are wonderful. I am undetectable and healthy. I would like to tell you the whole story. My story is morbid and beautiful, lovely and dreadful. One day, I plan to stand in front of large crowds and teach awareness and tell my story. I want to inspire and change people by teaching about love and forgiveness.  I could not continue to let you feel what you feel for me without knowing the truth. What you decide is your choice and if I am in your path whether friend or other; now you know. And I am standing out in the open. Out of the mist.    Don't be afraid of me. Don't be afraid for me. Just know that I will be okay, no matter the outcome; in all aspects of my life.    I am strength and determination...Love and life...even when facing my death... Damn that comedy/tragedy. Fucking sucks...Really...

She is Woman

She is time
She is the movement of creation
She is the eternal moment
When day met night and life stood still
She is the light of the sky
The light of the night
She is the moon
She is the sun
She is mother
She is daughter
She is sister
She is all that is woman
Hear her message
Hear her truth
Hear the voice speaking
Is it in your ear
Is it in your mind
Is it in your heart
No
Her voice speaks to your soul
She is the eternal mother
The infinite lover
The beauty of wisdom
She is you....
She is your passion
She is your beauty
She is your divine essence
She is woman
She is divine
Who is she, to you?