Mourning Love's loss

I am still in mourning.
I am a bit angry because of the feelings.
I am sad.
I am not an unhappy person.
I ache, on the inside
for what could have been
For what isn't.
For the memory,
The one that did not happen
Sometimes, you understand and you understand and you understand
And then you still understand…
Until the understanding feels like an excuse…
I always tell what I feel
I always say to folks, what it is….inside me
The "what is" always seems to backfire.
Then the time comes, when I cannot say what I feel anymore
Because what I feel…doesn't really matter
What I feel is of no consequence…
I heard today, you will find someone, Dona..
You are sooooo beautiful…you have to have lots of folks knocking down your door…
no…
no…no
I don't.
Either I get scared…or they get scared
Or the relationship is taboo… yeah…freaking taboo.
How do you stop the mourning
When the ones you want, you see…often…
A look and a smile… a quick glance… and look away…remembering…
I can't even be totally honest about the whole affair on here…
And I want to be…honest about it all…so bad…
How do I stop feeling the yearning, for what isn't?
How do I stop the feeling?
I really don't know.
I don't have the answers… and I don't want to salve the wound with someone new
unless, that is what I need to do…no
And then I get scared…cause I want to say…something simple.. Like, I really miss you…
yet, I feel stupid in the whole act of saying those words…
Would the words mean the same to me as to the recipients?
I am really getting to old for this, for these feelings…
I don't want to bury the emotions…
yet, I want to un-feel them… because I cannot see the fairness of my mourning when I do not know if I am being mourned in return….
how do I stop this mourning?
I cry… I write..
I cry…I draw..
I cry…I create wire-wrapped tree pendants
I cry…I create dream catchers

and there…is nothing else…except lots of laundry and kitty litter…and a kid to raise and jobs to go to…and a car to drive and dogs to feed…and this life I live…and care for…on my own…
maybe I am lucky.
till I look around and see so many people together making life work…and then there is me…I do make my life work…I am tired of doing it alone…and tired of being loved as only a friend…I need to whole fricken thing…and I think I have lost the ability to have a real relationship…I never had the ability to have a real relationship…
so, here…I hide
Cover my wounds with tears
Cover my wounds with duct tape, so no one will see…
duct tape…yeah, I said duct tape…the pretty pink camouflage kind