Music Feels Me

Music is my home.
The sound of music rippling all around my ears
I smile.
I feel the moment the music makes…
I feel love
I feel sadness
I feel the anger
and the happiness…
All the emotions of music live inside
Sweeping the corner and finding me
Finding my soul
Reflections and refractions of truth
Harsh realities spoken and music…oh, the music

I am kinda sad today
I am feeling the hurt again~of all the lost opportunities of love
I can say, all day long…I am seeking my forever..and my energy pushes away all the bullshit..
Well…is that bull shit?
I don't know how to be loved.
No one has ever expressed their love to me in a way that I am able to understand.
I know I am able to express my love~yet~I do not often express the emotion often

Abandoned love, from a father. My father. He did not know how to accept me. My parents separated before my birth and divorced by the time I was 3 months old. He was not in my life. The unfortunate thing…I saw the love my father had for my older brother. I saw the lack of emotion he carried, for me. Not only ''saw" it… I felt the lack, therein. I remember thinking in feelings…I didn't let it matter, because I did not know how to feel love for this man..this man who was sporadically involved in my life. This man who I was supposed to call Dad…and could not even form the words in my mind…I did not know how to say to him, "hey Dad"… Whenever I spoke of him, he was… My Real Dad… and that is how I thought of him. My Real Dad. The man who was responsible for my genetics. That was all.. I was empty on the inside, crippled emotionally…his love broken…

My mother abandoned me, emotionally when she married my step-father. He was a jealous man. She was afraid he would harm my brother and I if she showed us affection. At three years old and my mother abruptly ended all physical affection for my older brother and I.

I knew I was loved. I knew my love took second place. I did not feel important. I did not matter. I settled myself into this role. Into this way of being. I always took second place. Somehow, I justified the emotions. I never have felt important enough to be loved…and I have fallen into a pattern of taking the back seat.

So, how do I love? How do I accept Love in Love's fullest form… Tonight, I hugged my mom for the first time in years.. because the feeling came upon me and said to hug her… we both needed the hug…

And see.. all this "abandoned" love.. I do not feel sorry for myself.. this isn't a feel sorry for Dona Rant.. it is just what it is.. the way I feel..in this moment…I love my son…and I show him, always.. I love my friends.. and sometimes..I show them how I feel…sometimes..

I had a dream of my ex again.. and we were together.. which is unacceptable. I awoke kinda mad that I even entertained the idea of being with him, in a dream… We had just had sex…and he asked to borrow my car….I asked if he was going to go see a woman in my car…and he said.. don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to…and so, I asked him again…and he was honest with me..said yes.. I am going to see my wife… and I accepted it…because I am not important enough…

I want to be more than what was… because I am more than what was… so much more…
all of my past has conspired to create me to be an amazing woman.. I am amazing.. I am wonderful. I am worthy of love…love and loving…

I am looking forward to the amazing.. because lately I have surrounded myself with working relationships.. people who are together and making their lives work because of how much they love one another.. I want that kind of love…for me and for the one who loves me… a mutual affection…respect…desire… I need to be involved with someone amazing…and I will never abandon the love for my son for the love of another…my own childhood taught me this important lesson…