Psychic Car, perhaps?

So, Yesterday I worked at the Pharmacy. After work I stopped by my Doctor office job to check messages and etc...Drove home and felt compelled to clean out my car. I almost live in my car! I have 4 job locations...and I am often going from one to the other and when I get home...whatever is in the car, is in the car...until I finally clean it out... I had clothes, shoes, coffee cups, vitamin shaker cups, sheets, trash, bottled water, pens and lots of change all over that car...Needless to say, I enjoyed finding "stuff" while I was cleaning!!! I found a few things that had been missing for months!!!! Then, I figured...Let's take the car to the car wash...it had not been washed since, like ever...I don't even remember...and then, we vacuumed the car...When I say we, it is the kid and I... LOL We drove to Walmart, to pick up a couple of items and then stopped at Sonic for a nice little ice cream treat!!! I stopped the car...We sang songs...and ate the ice cream...and then, I went to start the car, and NOTHING!....the car had plenty of juice...lights on...it would not turn over...no sound...no clicking...nothing...so, I put her in Neutral...roll the car forward...turn the wheels...put her back in park...try to start her up...and NOTHING...So, I sat there and every few minutes...I tried again... So, I told the kid that we would be walking home...and we would deal with getting it home later...he said to me, "mom, I am so glad the you are not like other people!" I looked at him and gave him a quizzical expression...which he responded with..."you don't hit the car and yell...other people would do that and you t sit there nice and calm." Well, I really wanted to hit the car, but...what good would it do? Walking home was no big deal, we live close to the Sonic...so, I just smiled and let him know that it will be okay... I called a buddy of mine to come out and see if he could do anything...and yeah, no...he could not...so, since it was so late...I started looking online for a Topw Truck service in my area...I was immediately drawn to a Full Service Center, right in town...I felt compelled to call and then I figured that they would be closed...so I called a 24/7 tow place and had them tow my car home...$55 and 5 minutes after my car was hooked up...it was in front of my house...it took longer to do the paper work then it did to tow the car... Such is the way it is...I sure did not want to leave my car overnight at a public location... I did some research, last night...(my buddy was thinking it was the starter) me, I think it is either the Starter Relay switch or a faulty ignition...so, I did my looking around online and found that if you spray a little WD-40 in the ignition...it could prompt the ignition to work...so, because I cleaned out my car that day...I knew that I had some WD-40 in the trunk...I waited til this AM to spray it in...probably should have done it last night...cause my car did not start. My mother gave me a ride to work and on my way...I started looking up shops in my area and again felt compelled to call that Auto Center...so...I did...I immediately felt at ease with the guy and for $45 he would come get it...and for another $79.95 he would put her on the diagnostic machine...again...such is the way it is..so, that being said...he picked up my car this AM...and funny thing...He put the key in and it started right up for him...so, he turned her off and tried again..and this time it did not...he thinks it is in the ignition as well...so, now...we shall see what is up with my Psychic car... My mom offered to let me keep her truck today...and I had that feeling of no worries...come over me...that it would be okay...so, I sent her on her way and now I am at home...without a car...And I am okay with what will happen next...Now, I am looking forward to finding out what is up with my car... I am a bit short on cash this week...but again...I still feel...okay...it is all gonna work out...everything will be good...and I'm not stressing...So, I will update you all on the story, later this eve or on the morrow!! :)

Vibrations

Sometimes, the urge to write overwhelms and fills me full of a kind of desperation. The urgency is intense. The need cannot be quenched until I sit at a blank piece of paper or a blank document on the computer. My hand to pen or keyboard and I sigh... there is the beginning of relief because I know that somehow I am gonna recieve a really cool message. The other night, I could not sleep. I was 100% awake. I did not feel the need for rest and at the same time, I knew that I needed to get some sleep for the day ahead. So, I figured if I can't beat em....I will at least try to join em... Here is where I sat up and began to meditate. An extremely simple meditation, no thought...no focus...only the sound of silence. Silence is where I find my greatest peace. Silence is my real home. My place of rest. As I settled, I began to listen. I heard the sound of the crickets singing outside my window and then above the sound of the earth I heard the silent ring begin to rise. Singing ever so sweetly, my comforting ring of silence. There are many levels of sound. The earthly sound, which is what we all hear...life moving and living...The ring of silence, as I mentioned before is a bit of a higher tone than the sound of life moving...I often wonder if this is the sound of an energy, being...The sound is similar to the noise of a hearing aid screeching, only not as loud or aggravating... As I settled and listened to my silence, I begin to notice a new sound. A deeper sound. One that resonated in a vibrating sense within and all around me. I could still hear the earthly sounds and the ring of silence...and distinguish one from the other, so I focused on the new sound to find out what I would be able to hear and feel...What I noticed, was that as I concentrated on this vibration...the other sounds began to dissipate...In curiosity, I focused my "hearing" on the other sounds and could return to them quite easily...yet still...this new one...this deep hummmm of vibration intrigued me. This sound comes from a higher place, in the realm of my understanding, I hear the ring of silence at my ear level. The earthly sounds at my body level. This vibration sound came from higher up...My awareness of the place was at least six feet above and diagonal from my head. As I continued listening, let me consider this word...listen...when considering this way of understanding, this deeper vibration...it isn't entirely a listen...it is a feel...it is what it is...there is not a listen in the sense of listening...not a feeling in the sense of feeling...it is an experience...and I remember marveling at the way I was experiencing this movement of energy... Could it be that I slipped outside of the realm of time. Where the movement of time does not exist and all is an experience. All is happening at once and all is known, at once. My world still revolved, I still sat on my bed...and at the same time...there was nothing and everything all at once... I saw myself/or experienced myself walking (moving) up a dark incline...mountain like...toward a cliff overlooking a large expanse of whatever it was...mist and darkness...if I was in a place where "thought" mattered...I would have called it a sea...yet here...there was no thought...there was only what was happening and what was happening was something I am still not sure how to "be" with...There was a woman in a light blue cloak long dark hair up in a lose bun. She was concerned and aggravated with me for not listening to her. I did not hear words, only the impression of her feelings...she did not like that I take the initiative to go forward without consulting her...she is my guide...and I am as a rebellious child who believes that I can handle all of my tasks here...alone...in my way...and in my time...for her...there is no time...she only feels the agony when I feel the agony...she feels the love when I feel the love...the sadness...the excitment..and so on and so forth...She experiences my all...with me...in my all-ness...She needs to prove herself to me..to be adequate for the job at hand and for some reason...in my stubbornness...I do not allow her to consult with me...I go above her...I am not trusting her... I always listen. I always question what I hear. Seem shocked that I am right. Yet, expect that I should be right because I already had an inkling of an idea. The knowledge has always been there. Easily accessible for me...Is it that I do not trust my higher self? What happened that has caused me to question what is known? My higher self is experiencing my entire life in completeness...past, present, and future do not exist in her place of existence...So, how do I bring it all together...how do I bring it in...and let it be what it is...and relax into myself... So, I listen to this beautiful, tragic woman above me..on a cliff overlooking what might be a sea...and I quietly drift off to sleep... Days later...I know I need to encounter this moment, face myself and begin to trust in acceptance.

The Saxophone

I love the saxophone. I love the way the passion is played from the lips and from the heart...The breath of life externalized in art and sound.
All my life, I wanted to learn how to play that instrument.
As a pre-teen to teenager, I was extremely introverted and lacked confidence.
I often chose not to try things, simply because I did not want to fail and if I didn't do it, I would not make a fool of myself...

That was a horrible choice.
I have learned much since that time and now, I do everything that I want to do...I try...and I do it...and I do whatever I want to do, well.

In 1995 I started going through some changes. Life changes. Changing the way I made decisions. I had gotten involved with a few people who led a seriously detrimental lifestyle and I jumped right into it, head first...My world began to spin out of control and I was not happy. I could feel that something was gonna change and I was not sure what that was gonna be...and so, I began praying.

I started going to church again...as a matter of fact, my first night back to a church I was wearing a bright orange/flower cutsie outfit...one that flattered my cleavage and had quite a high hem line, flattering my rear... ;) High strappy heels... ummmm, the church happened to be a United Pentecostal church. The women still wear long skirts, long hair and no makeup...very old-fashioned...it was also a Revival week...I walked right up to the front row and sat down...the entire church looked at me...and I smiled very proudly... Honestly, I cannot believe that I did it...suddenly it was time for them to "save" me...I swear the entire church swarmed just to lay their hands on me so that I could recieve the blessing of Christ...

Needless to say, it was very over-whelming...Later, they told me that my Baptism when I was a child was not effective and I needed to be baptised all over again and I went ahead and did it...to make them happy...

Time went on and I eliminated the friendships that were tearing me down and I left Kansas City, for a while...I moved back to Arkansas for about 8 months. I needed to get in touch with myself, my prayer and my place in the world. It was during this time that I learned how prayer is answered and how faith is defined. I learned to ask for what I wanted and to believe that all I needed would be provided to me...Many prayers were answered in this time period and the one that I want to focus on now is "the saxophone".

One day, I was praying about the desire to learn how to play the Sax...I just didn't have enough money to buy one at that time...so, I prayed about it...and felt this peace...At that time I was working in a Tyson Chicken Factory, cutting out chicken butts and that my friends is a whole 'nother story... ;)

On one of my breaks, a woman I worked with came up to me and said here, God told me to give this to you. In her hand as a wad of cash. She was praying earlier in the day and felt compelled to give me $100. I told her that I could not accept it and she said no, she had to give it to me, she felt that I needed to buy something important with the money. As the money was placed in the palm of my hand, I had the sudden "knowing" that as soon as I got off work, I needed to go to Mena; a town about a little over a half an hour from the town I lived in...and find a music shop. There would be a saxophone there for me to buy for $100.

I did not have a car. My mom was my transportation and I told her what happened. She drove me to Mena and we found a music store. I walked in. There it was. The first one that I saw. I asked the guy how much and he said that one is $75. There is a piece broken but otherwise in good working condition. I bought it right then and there...bought the reeds and went home in a very happy and satisfied mood. I taught myself how to play that sax... the part that was broken, I never did get it fixed...I just went around that particular note...

Years have gone by. Time happened and I had different responsibliites and I did not pick that sax back up. There she sat, in her case, waiting...waiting...waiting...1997

2011...My son wants to play in band. He originally thought about playing the flute, because the band teacher wants more flute players...
I thought about it, and asked the kid if he would like to play the sax and his eyes lit up! He went and got her out of her case and I assembled the parts...and he blew...and it made a sound...he was hooked...

Today, I took the sax to a repair shop. I am hoping the part can be fixed so that my son can play this Sax in band. What would be even cooler is if it only cost $25, to equal the full $100 that was given to me all those years ago...We shall see what this instrument has in store for us...

Time happens and emotions happen and things change...My brother died in a car wreck and part of me stopped living...I stepped back into the wild life again...running hard and fast and falling apart...drinking every night and dancing... I did not want to think...and then my son happened...becoming pregnant woke me back up to reality and I knew that I had to get back on track...Life became clear and my son saved me from an early death...That, my friends...is a whole 'nother story... because I am not supposed to be able to have children...

Sure, I was unwed...single...my son's father went back to his ex-wife before I told him that I was pregnant, so I didn't tell him til later... (he was mad for a while)

Sure, a couple of years later I become a bit more Positive than I ever would have hoped to become...

I still believe in prayer and faith...and love and beauty...I believe that this Saxophone was put into my life for a reason...there is a blessing in that Saxophone...

So, in a few days...I will update on this little story. believe with me...Pray with me...have faith with me...

Even when something seems to be broken...there is still sweet music to be made...and all things will be made new...this is my Faith...Heck, this is my life...

I have been waiting...waiting...waiting...for so long...waiting to have someone play the sweet notes that are my life...I was broken...locked up in a case...sure, I sounded good and looked good...
I was not done yet...
now, I am ...I am made whole...right now, in this moment, I am made whole...

The Essay

Recently, I was going through some boxes in the garage and came across a large mamilla envelope that said, FOR DONA. The words were in my Grandma Carter's handwriting. Upon opening, I found several letters and cards and poetry that I and written over the years; she kept them, all this time...included was a play that I wrote for an Oral Communications class and an essay for a Senior English class...I remember this essay, we were assigned to write this at the beginning of the school year....the play, I will post another day...that one is a whole other story...pretty deep for a 17 year old kid...the essay is below....






A little over seventeen years ago, my spirit came from Heaven bearing orders from God to place myself into the unborn body of a baby whose name would be Dona Lackey. Soon after my birth, my soul repressed the memories of the life I had before and began making new memories, some to cherish and some to hate.

A little over seventeen years have passed and I now find myself sitting in a Senior English class writing a theme on where I came from, where I am and where I am going. My first thought was, "Well I came from my mother and father. I live in Waldron, Arkansas and I know I am going home after school's let out." but then I thought, "Wait a minute I'll write something a little deeper than I ever have before!" After I established that, I began writing my theme.

To answer the question, "Where I am", I am going to say that I am a lost soul searching for her place in the world. I am scared and worried about what the next step is. Perhaps when I reach my ultimate goal, I am not sure what that is yet, but anyway, when I reach my ultimate goal, everything will work out.

"Where I am going." That is a good question, because I could say, "I am going to Kansas City to a photography school, then perhaps to college to study writing and later to a well-earned career. But I cannot say that because I have no idea what my future holds. All I know is that after I die, I will go to Heaven to cleanse myself. Then receive orders from God to find out which unborn child I will become.
*************************************

Interesting....I'm laughing...I graduated High School, moved to Kansas City...got a job, a house and then a car....I did begin Photography classes and did not finish them...I was into a boy..AHHHHHH those were the days...much later, I did finally get a couple of college degrees and I do a have a rewarding career... The whole study writing thing...anyone who has ever taken any college classes will know that no matter the degree...you study writing...LOL....

Darkness

Darkness decends as a cloud of smoke
Wafting down upon my heart
Smokey clouds all around
And I am not able to see
The path is dark
And I am blind
Struggling as a newborn mouse
SMall, Naked, and Blind
Who will come save me
Who will fight through the smoke
Fight through the haze
And see my name
And feel my soul
And breathe their breath against my ear
Who will clasp their fingers within mine
SMile into my eyes
Who will save me
There is darkness in this day
Darkness all around
And I throw my hands up in the air
Surrender, I surrender

I pour my heart out th the night
I sing a song of dark delight
My surrender swirls around the smoke
The cloud moves and a teardrop falls
Reflections of light redeem me
The light washes me
Even through the darkest night
The light sees me
Where I was once Blind, Naked and SMall
I can see
I am clothed in radiance
My spirit grows taller than the RedWood trees
I have risen above the dark despair
I am climbing heights of greatness and beauty
Who will save me
That is my choice
By my own hand I will rise
By the light of mercy I will grow
Who will take my hand and follow
Who wants to grow?

On Being Alone

Golden

Whether awake or asleep
I am unafraid to be the woman
I am
There is power and beauty
Sensitivity and grace
I am too much for mortal man
I seek a god as companion
Mere man cannot understand
The energy and power living and breathing
Coursing through my veins
I walk my days alone
There is no golden-hearted throne
No heir to my heart
No heir to my soul
No match to the love living within my soul
I am unafraid to know what I want
To understand what I seek
A golden heart, a golden soul
Emblazoned with passion
Emblazoned with power
I will know you
By the scent of your flower
The beauty of your soul
The strength of your mercy
Your golden hearted throne
Do not ask for my hand, mortal man
Do not ask to dance
For you see,
I am unafraid to be the woman
I am


I enjoy being single. Truth...Yes
I miss the intimacy of a loving relationship. Truth...Yes

I am comfortable in my skin.
I know who I am and what I want in life and in relationships.
There are lifestyles and people that I choose not to associate with because of their choices in life...
Yes, we all make mistakes. Truth...Yes
Yes, we all deserve forgivness. Truth...Yes

I do not choose to hang out with liars or abusers...
My choice...
My way of life and my being..
I make this choice, because I have had them in my life.
I have made excuses for them.
I have seen myself weak.

I am not weak.
Sometimes, there comes a time when you must learn how to be alone.
To learn how to love yourself.
To be comfortable in your own skin and to know that you are worthy...
Worthy of all your wants and desires in life.
I want to have a loving and committed relationship with my twin flame/soul mate...
I do not choose empty meaningless relationships just because I am alone...
Without love, I would rather be alone.
I will live my days in joy, knowing that I have not settled by choosing someone who does not complete me...
Sure, sometimes...I am lonely...Sometimes I want that companionship...
And then I remember, at what cost? What do I sacrafice in order to settle with a person who does not love me and I do not love in complete beauty...

The Cycle of Life

Again

by Dona Lackey on Friday, November 19, 2010 at 12:01am

I'm a dry creek bed
Rocks hot, rocks cold
Sun shining bright and burning
ShadeTrees reaching out, shading
Sitting on the porch swing, swinging
Life is like biting into a fresh, tart apple
Life is like biting the worm feeding on that apple
Sweet, sour and unexpected
And expected
Surprised and disappointed
Then, eating around the worm hole
To finish most of the apple
Thinking of hot rocks, cold rocks
Touching them and running
Yeah, touching them and running
I feel you out there in the breeze
I feel you in the wind
Rain falls down
Rain pours gently
Ground takes in the rain
Rocks look wet again
Til the sun shines
Til the sun shines
I am a dry creek bed
Dry creek bed, again
Life has cycles
Life has meaning
There cannot be one happening
Without another to balance the change
The rain will come again
The creek will flow
Time will be served for the cycle of life
Watch me grow
Anybody want an apple

Round and round and round life goes...Last year, I finally told my son that I had a disease. I did not tell him the name of the disease, just that sometimes, I get tired and need to rest...I let him know that there was nothing to worry about, I was not going anywhere, anytime soon.

Time has passed and a simple posting in a group on FaceBook brought my HIV status to the forefront of all my friends. I have been open about my status to family and close friends, and those who have sought me for intimate encounters... I was a little bit freaked out, at first and then I figured, WTH and posted a blog about my HIV and then a video about my positive attitude and self-worth...This was all fine and dandy...and I figured, I might as well tell the kid the name of my disease and how I came to be Pozitive...

My son is 10 years old and at this time does not have a complete understanding of sex and explaining HIV and how it was transmitted to me was interesting... His first question, was "what is a condom?"... ARGH!!! LOL
His next question, was "did 'He' give it to you on purpose?"
Needless to say, I had to calm the kid down about my ex...He was so ready to be mad...

The next thing he said, was "mom, you are so healthy...Why were you so worried about me knowing?"...

Ahhh this kid... it wasn't so much that I was worried about him knowing, it was...how do you give a kid the concept of an STD mixed disease/virus? I explained it to him in a way he would understand and reminded him that his sex class in 5th grade would be coming up in the middle of the school year and he could choose whether or not to talk about my HIV status...

Honestly, I do worry about the other kids possibly teasing him or name calling...I don't worry about me, but I do not want my son affected by the stigma... I explained the stigma associated with the Poz status...and still, I am giving him the choice to speak about me, or to wait until he is older...I will stand by his decision, gracefully...

The cycle of life happens...
for every happening, there is a reaction/action...
What is right, what is wrong...
This is a matter of perspective and my way of reacting to the action taking place.
We all choose how to be in this life...
How we react by the choices we make.
I choose to make my life fantastic!
I choose to react in a way that shouts to the world that I am doing alright!
I choose to raise my son to be a good and decent human being who is not defined by labels, because this mama...is not and will not ever be restricted to a label...
My son does not care that I am HIV Poz...all he cares is that I am his mom and that I spend quaility time with him... I plan to do everything in my power to stay healthy and well and keep my son happy...
and so, just call me Dona...because that is my name...my label...Dona