A Thousand Tears

A Thousand Tears
by Dona Lackey on Wednesday, August 18, 2010 at 1:07pm

I saw him as he is
I saw him in his true form
The reduction of his manhood haunts me
The reduction of his essence enlightens me
The form that he has taken is a disguise 
A hat to wear for a time
He is the shadow of a man who could be
The shadow of a man who is
The shade of his spirit haunts me tonight
The reality of his touch 
Pains me deep inside
I have cried a thousand tears for this man
I hoped in him
I marveled in him
I gave my blood for him to live
I became a raisin 
Shriveled and wrinkled
I let him suck my soul dry
Until I was barely living, I was dry
In dying, I live
In the dryness I sought water
Gaining moisture, I live
I live by my own hand of desire
I live in the light of love and mercy
I cannot give my life's blood to him again
Let him live because he wants to live
Let him gain the moisture of a thousand tears
And return them to me
So that I know
So that I understand who this man really is
Give me back my thousand tears of sorrow
Give me back the life I gave to you
I don't know how you are the man 
You say you are
In this moment, I hope
I hope that you become the man you have been fighting to become
I ache for you to become strength
I ache for you to know and understand mercy
To know and understand love
Understand love...


You can love a person and love them and love them and love them...and they do not have to return our love...The hardest part of loving another, is when you learn that you have been used and the love was in vain...

people live and people die, everyday...Choose your lover wisely...

The hardest part is in letting go...
When I love, I love with my whole heart and all of my being...
When you realize that the one you love does not return your love, it hurts...it cuts like a knife and the wound often stays open...
How do you heal a broken heart?
How do you allow the scab to fall away?
I believe the most important part of loving, is learning how to let go...
The love I feel for him is real
Just as real as my breath and my toes
The energy is alive and is circulating me
He knows that he hurt me
He knows that I still love him
He also knows that I do not want him in my life, ever again
I still cannot say his name without feeling like I shouldn't say his name
It lies as a curse within my mouth and I alter his name to keep from giving energy to the love that surrounds me.
I hope for him
To live his life in fullness and in love
As I will one day turn to loving another with my whole heart
For you see, my heart has been returned to me and now for the mystery...
Where the hell did I put that key so that my heart can be placed inside me...

A Vision or a Dream

Vivid dream or vivid vision, you decide.

In 1996, for a short time I stayed with my paternal Grandmother. One night, as I lie sleeping I had an amazing dream. In the dream I awoke in the early morning hours and walked outside. Walking toward me was, Jesus. Dressed in garbs of gowns such as anyone would imagine Jesus to look... I laugh because he was walking so happily toward me, almost strutting...very cool to see...he called me out to the street and we talked. I cannot remember our conversation yet I do remember what happened next. Looking into my eyes, he reached deeply into my abdomen and scooped out the darkness. The black and gunky darkness that was coating me internally. He threw the mess onto the street and proceeded to jump up and down on the top of the mess. As he jumped the darkness was thrown and returned to the earth, disappearing into the street. The color reminded me of a dark grape stain as it splattered to the street...When he was finished he asked me to look at what was left...beautiful pearl/opal glowing seeds... He reached down and scooped as many as would fit in his hands, off the cement and placed them back within my abdomen. One seed was left in his hand, he took my hand and placed the seed within my palm; looking deeply within my soul he said "Plant the seeds so my children know, so my children grow"....

And I awoke...

Love is beautiful.
I often contemplate this dream/vision and wonder about my role as a planter of "seeds"...There is so much more to life than just waking in the morning and going to work and doing the same pattern over and over and over and over again...
Who is going to smile?
Who is going to laugh?
Who is going to sing?
Who is going to plant those seeds?
Just what are those beautiful white opalescent glowing seeds?

In planting the seeds of love, will you nurture your seed?
Water and tend to the tenderness within?
Will you allow yourself to grow in love and in mercy and in compassion and in truth?
Will you weed and tend to the soil surrounding the seed?
The soil is your body.
Will you take care of your body so the the love will grow?

I can tell you about love and life and the light I see...
I can touch your heart and your soul with love...
Will you take the seed?
Will you grow in compassion and in strength of beauty?
Will you let your light shine upon the seed of love?
As love grows, love is tender as it breaks through the seal of your flesh...Let it take root deeply within and flower mightily so that others see the love and light and mercy from you...
As the flower grows seeds are formed...
Harvest them...
plant them in the heart and lives of all you come in contact with...

In the beginning...My Lethal Leash

I keep journals...I have many words that I have written in times of emotional torment...
Below I am sharing some of my emotions in the beginning, soon after I found out about the disease.

I only share information, as I feel compelled...today, I feel compelled to share my inner thoughts.
I hope
I love
I sing
I dance
I smile



Journal entry 04-03-06
Oh how my life has changed. For the better-Hell, I don't know. I am freaked out right now. I am so sad. I cry so much. too much.
I don't want to cry this much. I am so scared. Scared and so alone. Sure I have friends. But who will hold me. Who will hold me when I fall. I am so falling right now. My fear is getting the best of me. I never wanted to be this afraid. Look at me. I tremble.
My Soul is So Screaming in silent agony. Screaming in pain and in fear. Screaming in Agony.

Funny, I expected this. I am not surprised. I have no luck. Damn this- God keeps telling me- here is my peace. Take my peace. I am so trying but it is hard. Hard because-Look at how this will affect the lives of all those that I love. Will I be okay? I am so afraid. God says don't be afraid. Trust in me. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to be strong and be brave- to be Mighty! And Conquer. To create Something Cool out of this Damn fear.

04-05-06

And so I have this lethal Leash 'round my neck. I will create the New Dona.
The appearance of a Seductress-I want to be wanted. But Always- I Stand Alone-

An Invisible Owner- My Lethal Leash Acts as a Choke collar-Reminding Me of my Poison.

I have become a Venomous Creature.

Like the Black Widow Spider-I am Danger
Fear Me
Love me from afar-I am your Condemned Beauty. Haunting dreams-

*My own Dreams are haunted.

I will always Appear to have a Lover, a Secret Lover.
A Virus Owns Me

Basic-My Emotions are fucked. Need to handle this part of me- This adds to the heat

Breathing, Exercise, Meditation are key elements to being Healed.

The Mind is the Best Weapon.

What Mountain will God move- using me And my Affliction

I have never wanted to be Normal Anyway.

Those two entries were the beginning of my journaling and trying to figure out my New life with HIV. I still cry when I feel the emotions of that time. Today, I want to change lives by education and discussing my Virus. My hope is to spark a fire of awareness and growth in all who read or listen to me speak.

"I was dreaming, I hoped to penetrate a house of knowledge which I believed lay beneath the Sea. When I returned to the Land of Men I wanted the Spirits of this great knowledge to make my people Walk in Beauty". Death Chants, Craig Strete




In the beginning, I believed that I was unworthy to love. I questioned, how do you tell a person that you are not worthy to love? How do you tell a person that you are sick and could make him sick? Who am I to potentially pass this virus to anyone else? I began a journey of self-discovery, self-love and getting to know the inner workings of my virus. I was screaming on the inside. Screaming, crying and raging in agony and defeat. My spirit was defeated. My soul was in the fire of Hell and I did not know how to pull myself out. My hands needed to express the emotion I could not release. I drew my scream. I drew a sad and compassionate scream of an agonized woman who loves and needs love. She is what I felt on the inside. At the last stroke and I finally stood back and looked at what I created, I felt my scream begin to fade and I began to heal. Finally, I understood the raging emotion and pain, the deception of a lover's lie.

On April 8th, 2006 I was involved in a photo shoot with a photographer friend who was creating art. He had a box and my job was to put what makes me, me in the box. I have never been contained in a box. I brought my Scream and a large candle stand, candle, crystals, paint brush and a leopard print pink and black scarf...All of these items fit on top, behind and within the box...The lights were darkened and there I was standing in the dark with items that defined me and suddenly flashlights began flashing and my friend began snapping photos. This experience was an amazing moment. My darkness, illuminated. My emotion, in print, for all to see.
My healing began...

Journal entry 04-14-06

I bought flowers and planted them.
Life has taken a sweeter scent-I am able to detect the lovely scent of life.
It whispers sweetly within my nostrils
Tickling the tiny hairs-the scent pleases me.

How is it that Love has been brought forth in such a Shattered glass
The broken Shards bleed
And the dream has begun
Lesson Number one.

Journal entry 05-06-06

This is a time of Healing-My path is as a Healer.
And this I have known. To begin is with my own healing-
My belief, my hope is to be passed
My body will be healed of HIV-
My Soul will be cleansed
Anger and Embitterment will be gone.
In a crystal healing wave I am learning to navigate the energy.

Along with Healing there is a change of life-
I can be healed-but if I do not take advantage of the Healing
The Afflictions most likely will come back-to be Healed
Does not make us impervious to further ailments
We do not be become Gods-
That, that has befallen, will fall again
If lessons in the healing have not been learned.

Journal Entry 05-31-06

I believe in Love. I believe in Fury and in the Wrath of God. I believe that all things happen for a Reason. What do we learn? How do we react to all that takes place in life? this life is the true lesson. Do we learn? Do we become what our Soul cries to become? How do we accept the strength that is created in our Struggles during this time-this life?

God Loves. Everything that has been created is created out of love. Is God willing to destroy a product of His creation out of Great Love. Yes.

Thank you, my Lord! For this unusual gift. You alone understood the boundaries that I needed within my life. All I ask is the strength to carry on. To remain healthy and to become healthier. Perhaps in time I do want to be healed. I trust you in this.
A Faith-Calm certainty that all will be fine. All will be well. These things will be done.
Is it okay to Love Roman? What is our truth?
How do I proceed? Confrontation and understanding-Freedom of guilt.
~Speak in words of Love. Honor and Commitment. Truth will Follow...Freedom of Lies~


Hmmmmm....and now...today, in this moment...I wonder, when will I be chosen as the person who completes another and I wonder, why have I never been enough...Why didn't I allow myself to be enough...
Life Lessons
Life Lessons
Life Lessons...
I am good with the Life Lessons... They only serve to make us stronger...

I'm still me...

In High School, I found a quote in a movie that I loved and has since remained a powerful quote in my life. "Real life sucks losers dry, if you want to fuck with the Eagles you better learn to fly". This quote is from the movie Heather's. A Winona Ryder and Christian Slater flick. A warped and morbid tale of love woe, suicide, murder and youth. An 80's movie cannot get any better! I graduated High School in 1991 and wrote the quote in every yearbook I signed. Everyone thought I was weird. A good weird. Whatever "good weird" means. To this day, I consider the quote, Real Life Sucks Losers Dry. I ask myself, am I a loser? Heck no, I am not a loser and I am not gonna let any part of life suck me dry. I am gonna head on up to the sky with the Eagles, cause baby I am gonna fly!

I flew through life. Living, working and playing. I had relationships. Short and to the point. Sex partners who wanted a fuck buddy and nothing else. I kept everything in the line. Never had more than one guy during a cycle. Kept things straight. Friends to hang with and a guy to fuck, pretty good life until I met Him.

Mae West, said it best, "I love and have known love. It was Hell. It was Heaven. I gave up heaven because I did not want the Hell." He was a smooth, dark, long haired hottie. I wanted him. We kissed that night. He took me home and I had the most exciting, rough sex of my life. Yummy. I remember him standing by the refrigerator, holding a jug of milk. He was naked, hard. His penis was the most beautiful penis I had ever see on a man in my life. I am not the kind of woman who is that big of a fan of the penis. I never thought they could be beautiful, but there it was, semi-erect and and beautiful.

We continued seeing/fucking each other for a time and then he disappeared. Gone, and I had no way of finding him. A couple of months later, I met another man who not much later became better known as my son's father. My life is full of stories within stories and those stories have a tale or two and I won't bore you with the particulars. My son's father and I did not stay together. My son was born in 2000. In 2002, the beautiful penis came back into my life. He was a whirlwind. I let him in and wanted him to stay. Stay he did. He became infused into my daily life, the first man I ever let live with me and it was all because of his beautiful Penis.

His beautiful penis was a virus loaded tool and now, my blood is poison. Alice Cooper sings a song, "Poison running through my veins, Poison". I am HIV +.

From here on out, we shall call the beautiful penis, "Roman".

Time gave me answers that I did not have in the beginning. Later, I found out that one week prior to his coming back into my life; he met another woman. He spent his days with her and his nights with me. She worked nights and I worked days and went to school in the evening. She lived a block and a half away. One morning, on my way out the door to leave for work, I found an envelope on my truck dash. In it, was a letter to Roman from a woman who was extremely distraught because he was cheating on her. I read the entire letter. Took it in the house and threw it at him and asked who was she and what was she talking about. His answer, was that the woman was a crack whore who goes to a bar that he frequents and she was pissed off at him and wanted to make me mad. Frankly, I didn't believe him and a few days later, she and I met one another.

We were not angry at each other, we were angry with him. He told us the same story, the same lines and all the same BS. She and I spent the evening talking and hanging out learning about each other and our relationship with this man. During this time, she told me another story. She had been married and her husband committed suicide 20 years prior to our meeting. He didn't leave a note. She and her husband used to "shoot up" drugs. She told me about her life and the hard knocks she had lived through and then she laughed and asked if I remembered when Roman's penis had been chafed, like it had a wind-burn and I told her that I remembered, because I asked him what was up with his dick... His response, was "nothing to worry about, we've been fucking too much"... She went on to tell me that it was chafed because she used Spermicide because it will "kill" anything...

On a side note: FYI: A man can get the virus from a woman who has a high viral load when he has micro-abrasions on his penis. The chafing was an open door to the virus transmission.

Time passed and he decided that he wanted to work things out with me and I let him. They never saw each other again. One day at work I and had an anonymous phone call. The caller proceeded to tell me that she knew that the woman that Roman had been with was HIV+ and had been for over 20 years...She thought that I should get tested...So, I immediately called the woman he had cheated on me with and told her about the call and her response was no, not true it is just a rumor that someone started years ago. So, I called Roman and asked him about the "rumor". His response, was that he had heard about it and asked her and she told him that it was not true. They used condoms for a while until he got drunk and forgot and that was when she started using the Spermicide and his penis chafed.
Anyhow, long story short...I finally was tested in 2006 for HIV and I tested positive. I contacted many people that day and during that first week. She was one of the people that I contacted. I let her know that I tested positive and her response was "you will be okay, I have known people who have had it for over 20 years and they are okay"...

Right then, I knew. I knew that she was Poz....and had been for a very long time. When you tell a person that you are HIV Positive and you have slept with the same person, your reaction is not calm. You freak out. You cry. You go get tested.

She is dead now. She died last March of AIDs. She did not take care of herself, She continued using illegal drugs and she did not take HIV meds.

I began a big life change, changed my diet and quit smoking. I started taking a Big interest in my health and wellness. I started seeing an Infectious Disease Doctor and had lab work done every three months. I started HIV Medication in 2009, because my lab results were beginning to suck...and the fatigue was killing me. Now, my lab work is awesome and my Viral Load is undetectable and my CD4 counts are at almost 400. I am in an extremely good place, health-wise and mind-wise.

The most important thing to remember, is that this can and will happen to anyone. This virus does not discriminate, you can be Gay, Straight, man or a woman. No one is safe from this Virus. This story does have a ring of the "blame" game and I hope you who have read this story understand that I am also responsible. I am the one who decided to have unsafe sex with a man who had not been tested for any sexual diseases. We are all to blame. I urge you all to get tested for HIV and actually care about you sex partners by practicing safer sex. Teach your children to care about themselves enough to take precaution not only for them but for their sexual partners in the future.

Charlie

"Oops, there goes Charlie..." a phrase I have been saying since I was around 3 years old. Every time I see a cloudy white puff of dandelion floating through the air, I automatically say that phrase.

"Charlie" gave me a sense of the unknown. All my life, I watched "life" float by. Going here and going there and sometimes I would catch one, smile and let it go because I knew it had places to go and a job to do...I was content and felt I had a big secret about life. Funny thing was, the secret was not mine to know until I grew in knowledge of life and death. We are fleeting creatures, here for a moment and touching lives by imprinting upon the memory of those who love us. Our spirit lives on.

As I say the phrase, I have a memory of a dog who lived in my neighborhood. Charlie was a scruffy; brown Bengie looking dog. He didn't belong to anyone, and everyone fed him. I loved the Charlie. One day a young man/boy named Jamie climbed to the top of a Tower. I remember thinking that Jamie should have been a girl and not a boy because of the Million Dollar Man television series and Jamie was his wife or girlfriend...I remember feeling confused and concerned because that day, most of the neighborhood was outside watching what was happening with the boy who climbed the tower and Charlie, the dog was hit by a car. I remember wondering why no one seemed to be too concerned and I was sad. During the confusion and action, I watched Charlie take his last breath. Watching, I said, "Oops, there goes Charlie..."

The full memory was not intact until a few years ago. My son was 4 years old and my little Maltese had a litter of puppies. She was insecure and often carried the pups to lay at my feet. From the front of the house, to the back of the house she would carry those little buggers...and I would get frustrated and take them back to my room and put them in the middle of the floor. One day, my son ran into my room and tripped over and onto one of the pups. They were only about 3 weeks old and pretty much defenseless. The female he stepped on, was dying. She was bleeding from her nose and in pain. I knew that she did not have much time left in this world so I held her and sent loving energy until she took her last breath.

It was a hot July Summer day and my air conditioner was malfunctioned. My room was hot and her little body trembling as her breath shuddered. She breathed in and heart stopped and I watched a small wisp of puff escape from her mouth. I knew that she was dead. In that moment, I understood why I had been saying, "oops there goes Charlie"....

The unknown was made known to me. I watched a puzzle piece fit within the jigsaw mess of my life and I understood the nature of my being in a profound way. I have seen the Spirit/Soul leave the body. I have watched the essence dissipate into the air and witnessed puffs of dandelion weed remind me of life and death and my place in the world. To this day when I see a "puff" of life flit past me, I smile and remember the blessing of life and the purpose of the soul. I remember my loved ones, the ones who have gone on ahead of me to the great dissipation. A great sense of wonder inhabits my mind and I think of the many possibilities the Soul experiences. I let my mind escape, travel with the puff of dandelion, I am free. I am free. Content and connected. "oops, There goes Dona!"

Believe

To believe, or not to believe...that is the question
Whether tis nobler in the mind....and so on and so forth...

Seriously, I have long searched out why I believe what I believe...

As a child, I was raised RLDS
Later, I went to denomination after denomination trying to figure out where my church home was...I found so much hate for other religions in the church...I never understood that...why, if we are Christians and supposed to love one another and not be judgmental...why are we judging every other religion that exists?

I visited Pentecostal, United Pentecostal, Assembly of God, Baptist, Southern Baptist, Methodist, Lutheran, Presbytarian, Episcopal, Catholic and non-denominational...

I did find, that I love mass...I love the quiet solitude and the presence that I feel and experience in the prayer, during mass...

I have also experienced...that it is the people...not the always the church that makes these judgments...but, didn't Christ say that the people are the body...and the body the church/bride... so, I shake my head and wonder...

And I thought...What happened to worship...real worship of a god...the lay down on the ground belief that the worship must be pleasing to god for fertility/crops/growth/abundance...Where did the primitive worship go...so, I started researching many religions...pagan, hindu, buddihist, christianity, judiasim, and others...just to see what they believed and how they worshiped..why they worshipped...

I didn't research, alone...I did this with prayer...and meditation...and lots of reading...I found out things that I never before knew...The key thing to remember here...is that I searched many texts...not just one author's thoughts...but many...and through prayer...I understand why I believe what I believe...and see religion the way I see it...I am not going to try to sway anyone...but, I urge you to educate yourselves...and find out why you believe what you believe...

Or, will you follow the masses...and let other's beleifs dictate your beliefs? Will you allow your children to be like the herd and follow~because of fear...and dive off the cliff to destruction...

People get angry when religion is discussed...I don't understand...
I can tell you that I like the color red..and you will tell me that you like the color orange...and I don't get mad...

Why do people get so angry about religion?
The prayers of the people go where the prayers are supposed to go...

I said what I needed to say

My previous blog was about an ex boyfriend coming into town...Well, he came to town and visited me...
I heard the same story, how he loves me and there isn't anyone else...he has been on his own and not even dating.
Needless to say, I didn't believe him. I listened to his story and I let him hold me and caress me...it was nice...I hadn't been touched in a while.
The second day he was with me, he was sleeping on the couch; so I decided to take a look at his phone...keep in mind~this is the man who cheated on me and help ensure that my life was irrevokably changed~forever...
His phone had no contacts and was basically wiped except for the "sent" text messages. The first on, was to a person in the State that he came from to visit me...it said "I love you, I am coming home I want to make us work" and then there were two other texts sent to the same # expressing his love and devotion...funny, that is exactly the thing he did to me when he went out of town to work...and then he never came back...

So, I waited...I didn't say anything~I wasn't mad; just disappointed that he would have the gall to lie to me...still...

I drove him back to his brother's house and asked him...So, tell me about your girlfriend...
His response was Huh...I don't have a girlfriend...
I said, Yes you do...I checked your phone...I saw your sent text messages that said how you loved her and want to make things work...

He immediately started getting flustered...tried to convince me that she was a room-mate and that he cared for her...I just laughed...

I told him, I don't care if you have a girlfriend...We have not been together for a couple of years...have one, have two...do you think I have been sitting around waiting on you to come back? I've been dating and last year I had a really cool thing going on...and then I screwed it up because of my trust issues that I have because of our relationship.
If you are telling her that you love her and are coming home...then go home and love her...You cannot do anything for me...I cannot put myself through this again...

I told him, that I love him...I am not interested in being with him...
I have many options and I want to be happy!!!
The couple of days that he spent with me...I was not happy...I felt oppressed and nervous...
I don't want that feeling!