In the beginning...My Lethal Leash

I keep journals...I have many words that I have written in times of emotional torment...
Below I am sharing some of my emotions in the beginning, soon after I found out about the disease.

I only share information, as I feel compelled...today, I feel compelled to share my inner thoughts.
I hope
I love
I sing
I dance
I smile



Journal entry 04-03-06
Oh how my life has changed. For the better-Hell, I don't know. I am freaked out right now. I am so sad. I cry so much. too much.
I don't want to cry this much. I am so scared. Scared and so alone. Sure I have friends. But who will hold me. Who will hold me when I fall. I am so falling right now. My fear is getting the best of me. I never wanted to be this afraid. Look at me. I tremble.
My Soul is So Screaming in silent agony. Screaming in pain and in fear. Screaming in Agony.

Funny, I expected this. I am not surprised. I have no luck. Damn this- God keeps telling me- here is my peace. Take my peace. I am so trying but it is hard. Hard because-Look at how this will affect the lives of all those that I love. Will I be okay? I am so afraid. God says don't be afraid. Trust in me. I don't want to cry anymore. I want to be strong and be brave- to be Mighty! And Conquer. To create Something Cool out of this Damn fear.

04-05-06

And so I have this lethal Leash 'round my neck. I will create the New Dona.
The appearance of a Seductress-I want to be wanted. But Always- I Stand Alone-

An Invisible Owner- My Lethal Leash Acts as a Choke collar-Reminding Me of my Poison.

I have become a Venomous Creature.

Like the Black Widow Spider-I am Danger
Fear Me
Love me from afar-I am your Condemned Beauty. Haunting dreams-

*My own Dreams are haunted.

I will always Appear to have a Lover, a Secret Lover.
A Virus Owns Me

Basic-My Emotions are fucked. Need to handle this part of me- This adds to the heat

Breathing, Exercise, Meditation are key elements to being Healed.

The Mind is the Best Weapon.

What Mountain will God move- using me And my Affliction

I have never wanted to be Normal Anyway.

Those two entries were the beginning of my journaling and trying to figure out my New life with HIV. I still cry when I feel the emotions of that time. Today, I want to change lives by education and discussing my Virus. My hope is to spark a fire of awareness and growth in all who read or listen to me speak.

"I was dreaming, I hoped to penetrate a house of knowledge which I believed lay beneath the Sea. When I returned to the Land of Men I wanted the Spirits of this great knowledge to make my people Walk in Beauty". Death Chants, Craig Strete




In the beginning, I believed that I was unworthy to love. I questioned, how do you tell a person that you are not worthy to love? How do you tell a person that you are sick and could make him sick? Who am I to potentially pass this virus to anyone else? I began a journey of self-discovery, self-love and getting to know the inner workings of my virus. I was screaming on the inside. Screaming, crying and raging in agony and defeat. My spirit was defeated. My soul was in the fire of Hell and I did not know how to pull myself out. My hands needed to express the emotion I could not release. I drew my scream. I drew a sad and compassionate scream of an agonized woman who loves and needs love. She is what I felt on the inside. At the last stroke and I finally stood back and looked at what I created, I felt my scream begin to fade and I began to heal. Finally, I understood the raging emotion and pain, the deception of a lover's lie.

On April 8th, 2006 I was involved in a photo shoot with a photographer friend who was creating art. He had a box and my job was to put what makes me, me in the box. I have never been contained in a box. I brought my Scream and a large candle stand, candle, crystals, paint brush and a leopard print pink and black scarf...All of these items fit on top, behind and within the box...The lights were darkened and there I was standing in the dark with items that defined me and suddenly flashlights began flashing and my friend began snapping photos. This experience was an amazing moment. My darkness, illuminated. My emotion, in print, for all to see.
My healing began...

Journal entry 04-14-06

I bought flowers and planted them.
Life has taken a sweeter scent-I am able to detect the lovely scent of life.
It whispers sweetly within my nostrils
Tickling the tiny hairs-the scent pleases me.

How is it that Love has been brought forth in such a Shattered glass
The broken Shards bleed
And the dream has begun
Lesson Number one.

Journal entry 05-06-06

This is a time of Healing-My path is as a Healer.
And this I have known. To begin is with my own healing-
My belief, my hope is to be passed
My body will be healed of HIV-
My Soul will be cleansed
Anger and Embitterment will be gone.
In a crystal healing wave I am learning to navigate the energy.

Along with Healing there is a change of life-
I can be healed-but if I do not take advantage of the Healing
The Afflictions most likely will come back-to be Healed
Does not make us impervious to further ailments
We do not be become Gods-
That, that has befallen, will fall again
If lessons in the healing have not been learned.

Journal Entry 05-31-06

I believe in Love. I believe in Fury and in the Wrath of God. I believe that all things happen for a Reason. What do we learn? How do we react to all that takes place in life? this life is the true lesson. Do we learn? Do we become what our Soul cries to become? How do we accept the strength that is created in our Struggles during this time-this life?

God Loves. Everything that has been created is created out of love. Is God willing to destroy a product of His creation out of Great Love. Yes.

Thank you, my Lord! For this unusual gift. You alone understood the boundaries that I needed within my life. All I ask is the strength to carry on. To remain healthy and to become healthier. Perhaps in time I do want to be healed. I trust you in this.
A Faith-Calm certainty that all will be fine. All will be well. These things will be done.
Is it okay to Love Roman? What is our truth?
How do I proceed? Confrontation and understanding-Freedom of guilt.
~Speak in words of Love. Honor and Commitment. Truth will Follow...Freedom of Lies~


Hmmmmm....and now...today, in this moment...I wonder, when will I be chosen as the person who completes another and I wonder, why have I never been enough...Why didn't I allow myself to be enough...
Life Lessons
Life Lessons
Life Lessons...
I am good with the Life Lessons... They only serve to make us stronger...