I'm still me...

In High School, I found a quote in a movie that I loved and has since remained a powerful quote in my life. "Real life sucks losers dry, if you want to fuck with the Eagles you better learn to fly". This quote is from the movie Heather's. A Winona Ryder and Christian Slater flick. A warped and morbid tale of love woe, suicide, murder and youth. An 80's movie cannot get any better! I graduated High School in 1991 and wrote the quote in every yearbook I signed. Everyone thought I was weird. A good weird. Whatever "good weird" means. To this day, I consider the quote, Real Life Sucks Losers Dry. I ask myself, am I a loser? Heck no, I am not a loser and I am not gonna let any part of life suck me dry. I am gonna head on up to the sky with the Eagles, cause baby I am gonna fly!

I flew through life. Living, working and playing. I had relationships. Short and to the point. Sex partners who wanted a fuck buddy and nothing else. I kept everything in the line. Never had more than one guy during a cycle. Kept things straight. Friends to hang with and a guy to fuck, pretty good life until I met Him.

Mae West, said it best, "I love and have known love. It was Hell. It was Heaven. I gave up heaven because I did not want the Hell." He was a smooth, dark, long haired hottie. I wanted him. We kissed that night. He took me home and I had the most exciting, rough sex of my life. Yummy. I remember him standing by the refrigerator, holding a jug of milk. He was naked, hard. His penis was the most beautiful penis I had ever see on a man in my life. I am not the kind of woman who is that big of a fan of the penis. I never thought they could be beautiful, but there it was, semi-erect and and beautiful.

We continued seeing/fucking each other for a time and then he disappeared. Gone, and I had no way of finding him. A couple of months later, I met another man who not much later became better known as my son's father. My life is full of stories within stories and those stories have a tale or two and I won't bore you with the particulars. My son's father and I did not stay together. My son was born in 2000. In 2002, the beautiful penis came back into my life. He was a whirlwind. I let him in and wanted him to stay. Stay he did. He became infused into my daily life, the first man I ever let live with me and it was all because of his beautiful Penis.

His beautiful penis was a virus loaded tool and now, my blood is poison. Alice Cooper sings a song, "Poison running through my veins, Poison". I am HIV +.

From here on out, we shall call the beautiful penis, "Roman".

Time gave me answers that I did not have in the beginning. Later, I found out that one week prior to his coming back into my life; he met another woman. He spent his days with her and his nights with me. She worked nights and I worked days and went to school in the evening. She lived a block and a half away. One morning, on my way out the door to leave for work, I found an envelope on my truck dash. In it, was a letter to Roman from a woman who was extremely distraught because he was cheating on her. I read the entire letter. Took it in the house and threw it at him and asked who was she and what was she talking about. His answer, was that the woman was a crack whore who goes to a bar that he frequents and she was pissed off at him and wanted to make me mad. Frankly, I didn't believe him and a few days later, she and I met one another.

We were not angry at each other, we were angry with him. He told us the same story, the same lines and all the same BS. She and I spent the evening talking and hanging out learning about each other and our relationship with this man. During this time, she told me another story. She had been married and her husband committed suicide 20 years prior to our meeting. He didn't leave a note. She and her husband used to "shoot up" drugs. She told me about her life and the hard knocks she had lived through and then she laughed and asked if I remembered when Roman's penis had been chafed, like it had a wind-burn and I told her that I remembered, because I asked him what was up with his dick... His response, was "nothing to worry about, we've been fucking too much"... She went on to tell me that it was chafed because she used Spermicide because it will "kill" anything...

On a side note: FYI: A man can get the virus from a woman who has a high viral load when he has micro-abrasions on his penis. The chafing was an open door to the virus transmission.

Time passed and he decided that he wanted to work things out with me and I let him. They never saw each other again. One day at work I and had an anonymous phone call. The caller proceeded to tell me that she knew that the woman that Roman had been with was HIV+ and had been for over 20 years...She thought that I should get tested...So, I immediately called the woman he had cheated on me with and told her about the call and her response was no, not true it is just a rumor that someone started years ago. So, I called Roman and asked him about the "rumor". His response, was that he had heard about it and asked her and she told him that it was not true. They used condoms for a while until he got drunk and forgot and that was when she started using the Spermicide and his penis chafed.
Anyhow, long story short...I finally was tested in 2006 for HIV and I tested positive. I contacted many people that day and during that first week. She was one of the people that I contacted. I let her know that I tested positive and her response was "you will be okay, I have known people who have had it for over 20 years and they are okay"...

Right then, I knew. I knew that she was Poz....and had been for a very long time. When you tell a person that you are HIV Positive and you have slept with the same person, your reaction is not calm. You freak out. You cry. You go get tested.

She is dead now. She died last March of AIDs. She did not take care of herself, She continued using illegal drugs and she did not take HIV meds.

I began a big life change, changed my diet and quit smoking. I started taking a Big interest in my health and wellness. I started seeing an Infectious Disease Doctor and had lab work done every three months. I started HIV Medication in 2009, because my lab results were beginning to suck...and the fatigue was killing me. Now, my lab work is awesome and my Viral Load is undetectable and my CD4 counts are at almost 400. I am in an extremely good place, health-wise and mind-wise.

The most important thing to remember, is that this can and will happen to anyone. This virus does not discriminate, you can be Gay, Straight, man or a woman. No one is safe from this Virus. This story does have a ring of the "blame" game and I hope you who have read this story understand that I am also responsible. I am the one who decided to have unsafe sex with a man who had not been tested for any sexual diseases. We are all to blame. I urge you all to get tested for HIV and actually care about you sex partners by practicing safer sex. Teach your children to care about themselves enough to take precaution not only for them but for their sexual partners in the future.