Feeling things out

Seriously, I am touching the wind.
I have had an interesting life. Hah, yeah...
I became acquainted with death and desertion at a very young age. For years, I told myself that I understood what both meant. Did I really?
Yeah, not so sure about it now.
The first death that I experienced, was my step-grandma. I remember not knowing how to feel. There she lay, a woman who liked me and taught me how to make home-made noodles...(I was pretty young when she taught me, considering that I was only 7 when she passed away)I remember my mother telling me that it was alright to touch her. She was cold and I didn't expect to feel what I felt, nothing. All I knew, was that she was not there and never would be, ever again.
The next one, was my father. His death was savage, cancer ate away every ounce of flesh on his body, I remember him looking at my brother and I and wondering why we were visiting, it hurt him to see us see him dying...This memory is a tough one for me and even now, I cry. The next time that I saw him, he was in this casket. I was 8 years old. I remember seeing a bald, old man in the casket where my father was supposed to lay and I went to every room in that building, looking for my dad. Of course, my family found me and assured me that the man in the casket was my father. That was hell of an assurance. They took me back up to see him and I looked at this man and wondered how he could be my father. My father was beautiful and young and this man was old and tiny...People all around me kept saying how he was in a better place and I wondered how any place could be better and that it wasn't fair because I barely knew him so once again, how could it be better? My brother cried. I cried, I cried more for my brother than for me, because I all knew was that my father was not there and never would be, ever again.
See, I knew that I would be okay. I had this step-father. He had been my step-dad since I was 3 years old. I loved him and I hated him. He ripped me up emotionally and aided in the lack of confidence that I had for most of my childhood through my teens...There were times when he was a real dad to me and other times when I hated him so much that I wanted to rip his flesh with my fingernails and dig until I ripped off lengths of flesh...yeah, pretty harsh and violent...I know...
Life was pretty interesting when you feared, hated and loved someone. There are whole stories within stories that I don't feel necessary to divulge at this time.
Needless to say, my mom and step-dad divorced and he was gone. Just like that. I hated him and was happy to have him gone and at the same time~I missed him and didn't understand why I felt the way I felt...It was pretty confusing for me. The hardest part was the finality of it all. I went from having this "dad" figure in my life, to having none and I had no closure and I felt abandoned.
Life went on and I had animals, dogs, horses, cats, rabbits and even ducks. They came and they went. Some due to death and others due to being sold or given away. None of these were my choice...at each occurrence, whether in death or going to a new home, I felt abandoned. I felt a little peiece of my heart being ripped from my body and I didn't know how to feel or express what I felt. Once they are gone...how do you tell them how you feel?

So, I figured that it would be so much easier not to love anyone, anymore. And, I stopped loving. Anytime anyone got to close, I pushed them away...and ran. I told myself that I was happy and that this was my safety. Although, deep down inside...I wanted to be loved. I still want to be loved. I need to be loved the way I love.
And so, here it is...why this is all coming up. My ex is coming to town. (the one man that I let myself love) He left. I had no closure and felt abandoned. I was abandoned, there is no feeling to it...the guy left and didn't have the decency to even tell me...honestly, that sucks...He hurt me and he hurt my son. So, he will be in KC, tonight and I will probably see him tomorrow. I want to give my son the opportunity that I didn't have and tell this man how he feels.
I have already told him how I feel...
He knows it was wrong. He has not heard it from my son's mouth.

The hardest part, is knowing that he is out there...Choosing to be away...
So, here I am. Feeling the wind. He says that he loves me and wants things to be like they were~that he doesn't feel at home unless he is with me...
Is this a ruse?
Am I a necessity because all other options have run out?
Is the love that he says he has for me, real and true?
How do you reach out and touch the wind and really know the truth?
yeah...