The Graveyard is not my home

01/06/11

Creativity evaded me, for a while. Words did not flow from my fingertips...the way that they should. I have been quiet. 
The silence is not the right place for me, my voice needs to be heard~the sound to ring out loud to all who have the ears to hear.
Sometimes I hear the grave calling to me. Sometimes I wonder if I am really alive. Am I living in a fantasy of life?
Some days are hazy and some are not. Minutes trickle by in the memory of thought and I feel no pain. I feel no fear. Life is here and life is there. What happens, happens and that is about all there is to say about that!
I don't have the answers.
I do have questions.
The same questions that you ask and the same answers that you seek~why do "we" make things so hard for one another? I am wondering what is going on in the world and I know I am not the only one. 
Have you ever dreamt of the grave? Have you ever taken yourself to a graveyard and wondered how it felt to call that place home? I have. The day that shattered my reality into believing in my final destiny, took me to that graveyard. I put myself upon my father's grave and looked around wondering what it would feel like to call that spot my home. I wondered, should I die now and save the world the trouble of watching me suffer. My father suffered in his disease. I remember. That memory reminded me to stay strong and fight for life and not accept the disease invading my body. I cannot and will not ever let my son see me dying, the way I watched my father suffer. 

My disease has no name. Not today... 
My disease has a voice and a motive.
Mine will create change and inspire growth in the lives all those who know me and those I have yet to meet...

Some days I am tired. I sleep. When I awaken, I think about what is available for me to live a healthier life. The right foods and proper mix of exercise are amazing! I will not lie to you, I am afraid. I am not afraid of dying. I am afraid of suffering and the inability to care for myself. I am afraid for my son to see me, the way my brother and I saw our father. This fear is not a real fear, it is one derived from strength and determination to be the best that I can be and to inspire courage! 

I take myself back to the grave and I look around with the knowledge that this is not my time to be here, not now...my circle is not complete, not yet. I have to have time to tell a story about my rebirth into life.