Memories

Memories 

I liked them all. A twelve year old girl hanging with the boys. They were so cool and easy to hang with~ Boys...all cute and full of vigor and excitement! I had a crush on them all and could configure how we would hold hands and maybe even kiss! A little girls innocent dream. 

I never felt very pretty. Never even had an inkling that boys would even be attracted to me, so...I became their buddy...well, and when you think about it, boys were so much easier to hang out with than girls...girls were always flaky and fake...liking a person one day and trying to get everyone to hate someone else, the next. I never wanted to take sides and went to some extremes to keep away from the traumatic drama of girls...

So, boys...yep...The boy I had the most crush on...I hardly ever talked to, when I looked at him I saw fire pouring from his veins, he was the great Vesuvius and I was not ready to be burned! More often than not, I would give him a quick look and then look away...hmmmm...sweet memory
The other boys, talking and laughing and playing ball! I would have dated any of the boys that I had a crush on! Hahah! I just never had the guts to let them know the depth of my attraction! LOL probably a good thing! Had I been as bold as I am now...I would have been a SO much trouble!

Even in high school, I hung out with boys...friended them without the thought of ever dating one of them! Didn't stop the crush factor...They were all so cute! I never had the confidence to pursue them in any way other than friendship! 

My first boyfriend, I didn't even know how to be a girlfriend. I was 16 years old and never been kissed...and then, I was kissed! So much fun, kissing and hickeys! Nothing better than that, unless it was drinking a beer with a straw just so you could get a "buzz" quicker! 
He wanted to hold my hand at school, I was afraid...how do you show emotion in front of strangers? Well, friends...people that I didn't even like~Yeah, I didn't even know how to hold his hand...I wasn't a good first girlfriend...and we didn't make it...
MY 2ND boyfriend, we took each others virginity...it was so exciting until penetration...that was pretty damn crazy, none of the historical romances that I read prepared me for that feeling or the feeling afterwards...
He wanted to marry me...I told him no...How could I marry him? We had the rest of our lives to experience and school to finish...No, I couldn't marry him...Did I love him? yes...I did, I just knew that I had  many other parts of life to experience before I became a wife...
We didn't make it...I am so happy about that! He ended up meeting a distant relative of mine and marrying her...and then going to prison for armed robbery...Guess I have made some interesting choices hahah! 

After that, I kept to a strict pattern...never telling the guy I was most attracted to, that I was attracted...and then hanging out with guys that were friends and if I did date a guy, I didn't show emotion, because how do you show emotion to the whole world~friends or even to people that you don't like?
When the guy fell for me, I fell back and went away...
I figured it was easier to not love...easier to keep from getting hurt and guess what...I hurt people in that process...

Pretty sure I am doing a penance now...

I have learned, I am able to love selfless-ly
Is it too late?

I once wore bloomers, bright red bloomers made by by a blind woman so I could be Amelia Earhart in a school skit...
Where did the time go?