Do the Strong Survive?

I wonder. Is that statement true? Do the strong really survive? Is this folly? I wonder, is it the weak who are really making it in this world? I am so frustrated. Seriously frustrated. I look around and see people living in complete ignorance of what is happening in the world. Are they happy? I almost believe that they are happy. Happy to be in complete utter ignorance, living in fantasy. Getting high and trashed all day and living off of the government, is this truly living? What about the folks who pretend? The great pretenders, the ones who do go to work and silently partake of the festivities that will one day surely cause their demise. Do they believe that no one sees them? Do they believe that other's are blind. Perhaps the others are blind, choosing not to see. Choosing not to say one dang word to change the lives of those living in utter ignorance. I don't want to be blind, not anymore. I want to stand up and shake the world and take it on by storm~changing lives.

I am currently single. Choice, my choice because it is easier to not get involved.
Some call it fear, others call it preservation and I call it what it is...fear, real fear.
I am angry at myself because of this fear. I see people, the ignorant ones...all living together in their own type of happiness, making life work. Sure, they may be high or trashed, but they are living together and sharing the mystery of life, while I sit alone, wasting my passion, all because I am afraid to be intimate. I am not talking about the physical intimacy, it is the emotional part of true intimacy. The spoken word. Sharing my secrets, making things that I don't want known, to be known. Every time I whisper that truth, I tangle the web of life even more. Others get caught in the cross-fire.

There is someone out there for everyone. Yes, I see it on faces of those I think, how the hell could that person have had a child or even be married~Who would sleep with them? I guess, sometimes...people take what they can get and forgo the true meaning of love and togetherness, just to keep from being lonely, or to have a person look after their kids...or to stay married, for the convenience. I know many such people who stay together for these reasons. Are they really happy? I know that they are not, but they make their lives work and they are surviving.
Sometimes, I think...it would be so much easier for me if I threw in the towel. Picked a person for convenience and built a relationship because of necessity; to make life just a little bit less lonely and easier to make it in today's world.

I cannot. I can't do it. I cannot be with a person who does not make me happy. Just because, is not a phrase that I use in my life and if I were to become that person, I would let myself down and lose the part that makes me who I am.

I have seen the death that lives inside my body. I know the darkness living within my cells, knowing this, how is it fair to bring another into my world. I want someone in my world. I want to share my life with the one who is the other part of me, someone who can and will complete me. I am only a part of myself. I am not whole...I desire this completeness.

So, when I look at these people, I look at them with envy and with hope that the one person for me; is still looking for me. I believe it is a jealous envy, one that is tempered with understanding, awe and fear. I want what they have, I want it my way and I don't want to lose myself in the process...

As for the death living within...yes, it changed me, molded me...I am a whole different Dona because of it...
True strength survives by cultivation and growth...believe me, I have been cultivated. Will I survive?

Until I die...just like anyone else...

~rambling brain, this evening...