Sister Of The Moon

Crescent light

And a ring of fire

Brightly illuminating paths

One road to another

One dream

One story

One song

Hear the dance unfold

Hear the light make merry

And the trees shimmer

As the energy unfolds

And the roads converge together

Leading one soul to another

Tambourines dance and sway

The bells play

Silver lights and candlelight

Watch their eyes burn

Watch then, as their hips sway

Watch them come together

Sisters of the moon

Sisters of the light

Sisters of the night

Sparkling lights glisten

Sister, souls listen

Dreamers hear the song

Mystics play along

Fire dances

Moon, beams brilliantly

As hands clasp

And power grows

Feel the electricity of the night

Feel the coolness of the light

Feel me, sister

Sister of the moon

Sadness

I don't remember a time when I did not have some kind of sadness living with me. I have a wonderful friend who said to me, "Dona, I wish to God that you did not wear your heart on your sleeve. I swear I want to cut it off. Why can't you be more like me and not give a fuck?"

I can't help it. I do give a fuck. I remember when I didn't care. I remember when I didn't love. I remember the many times I brushed a person off because it was easier than being hurt. Karma is a bitch. Karma is biting my ass, right now.

Do you know how many people I pushed away. Kicked them out of my life. Yelled at them and said   horrible things, because I didn't want to be loved. I didn't want to lose anyone. So I chose not to have anyone.

I grew up knowing loss and heartache. I washed the sorrow down with creek water and splashed my face with the cold realization, life sucks. It is what it is and that is all.

The one time that I really gave in and gave my heart away, the man gave me HIV. I can't return the blasted thing. I feel really sad right now, in this moment. I feel sad and alone.

I don't know how to shake this feeling. I don't know how to cut my heart off of my sleeve. Because, I really do care. I really do love. I really do feel heartache, right now.  I miss what could have been. What could be. What should be…because I never did.

Present Time:
I fell deep and hard and fast. Too fast, I lost my breath and time passed, time moved far too quickly.
The falling came to an end. Way too fast. Before I was ready to let go. I am still having problems with the letting go. How do you suddenly stop feeling. How do suddenly stop showing the feeling. How do you keep behaving, like nothing ever happened. I am doing my best to be the graceful and beautiful loser. I won't ask for it back. I won't beg for what cannot be. I am pretending to be okay with everything, and I am not okay with everything. I went in, head first. Not realizing what was going to happen. Not realizing the depth of emotion. Not realizing how deeply we could feel. I feel a little tortured and lost.

I cried on my friend's shoulder. He told me not to get deeply involved. He told me that I would end up feeling the way I feel, now. I shrugged off every word he said, because I enjoyed the moment…

I miss you
I miss you
I love you
I love you

Really and truly.
I will be okay, in time…sad for a while and then all will be well…
The writing helps.
Writing heals me and helps me feel what I am feeling, in words…
Otherwise, I feel all these emotions without words…and that, my friends, sucks…
and, blogging helps me release the emotion.

Beautiful Loser

Softly, I walk away

Gently, I tremble

Sadly, I say goodbye

I am a beautiful loser

Graceful, I slip away 

Into the dark night

This graceful beauty I carry

Is a loser's only friend

You say you love me

I say, I love you

You say I am amazing

I deserve the best

In the end, I lose

They all say the same story

The same line

They all will tell another

She is the best woman I know

She deserves the best that life offers

Softly, I walk away

Gently, I tremble

Sadly, I say goodbye

I am a beautiful loser

Graceful, I slip away

Into the dark night

When I love, I love

With the whole of my being

My soul intertwines with your soul

I always feel the end before it begins

I always know

Gracefully, I let you go

I wonder, when will I get what I deserve

Who will be brave enough to let me win

When will I be brave enough to let another win

This story does not end

This story does not begin

I am ever the beautiful loser

Lost Words

Moments come and moments go

Breathless feelings mixed with anticipation

Disappointment when the unexpected is expected

Reaching up and reaching out

The mind is a woman's worst enemy

Silence in the face of the dark

And tears fall in many directions

Happiness is a lovely toy being played with

Where is happiness when it is put away, on the shelf

Hanging out with lonliness

Who really hears the cry of the dove as she sings her morning song

Who really listens

They say, I hear you

They say, I love you

And then they turn away

Show you their back as they run

There is silence now

Silence of my own makeing

Silence in the heart. 

I lost an ear ring

Found it tangled in my long hair

Danced with a 21 year old boy

He said, where have you been my entire life

I laughed silently, loudly on the inside

I've been alive

I've been here

And now I'm gone

Leaving alone

Driving in my car

Sometimes, I wonder

Will there come a day when I don't have to leave anywhere

Anyplace…Alone

I see love all around me

Shadows playing with my heart

I see lust and dreams desire

In the eyes of those who want...

I stand alone 

On the outside, looking in

Incomplete

I don't know how to feel complete

I don't know how to be her

You know, the one who is, The One…

Lost words playing with my heart 

and the song plays on the radio

I listen, because it is all I can do...

Breathe With Me

I want you to run your fingers thru my hair
Touch me, tenderly
Touch me as you dream
I want to feel your hands upon my back
Your hands holding mine
Touching me, at the same time
Breathing in my ear
Breathing against my neck
I cannot get enough of your touch
Your lips
Your Mouth
Whisper to me, What you feel
Whisper to me
I want to feel your hands caress my heart, my soul
Breathing with me
Breathing against me
Hearts pulsing
Skin aching 
Earthquake shattering my soul
My body breaks open like a jigsaw puzzle
The light pours out
Breaking free
Touching you
Touching me 

Lab Results

Yeah, so today was another vampire result day! ;)
okay, so that is a smile… I always stress on finding out the results of my bloodwork.

Quite honestly, it is a little frightening. All the what if's come up in your mind…and you wonder…am I gonna be okay?
What if the results say I am screwed and I have become resistant to meds… such a hard feeling…

Well, I sucked it up and made it through my day…

Finally, the time came…lab result time…
yeah…

My CD 4's are 508 and my percentage is 37% and I have even less copies of the virus in my blood! Which means that my undetectableness is even more undetectable! BOOOOOYAH!!!
Yeah, I like that!

Even more, what that means… I am okay… the meds are working and the virus is not gonna get me, not yet! I gotta keep up what I am doing and live well…and have fun while I am doing it!

I feel even better about hanging out with my new "hang out" partners… LOL… not quite sure what to call them, yet… and that is okay! I am really enjoying our friendship and more… okay, I am cheesing here… with a real big heartfelt smile… ;)

Take It From Me.

Dreams dance by

Twilight hours

Peaking at the moonlight

I sing into the night wind

Wondering, when…When?

When will the moonlight call me

Be my bride my sister my soul

Be my love my sister my soul

I ache for acceptance

In the mortal realm

I am a beginner at life

I am a beginner at the prospect of death

A goddess, in my last life

Worshipped and approved

Living here is damning

Tiring and spamming

Like an unwanted email in the bulk mail folder

Hmmmmm. 

How do I continue

How do I begin

How do I end?

I do not feel accepted

I do not feel accepted

I do not feel accepted

How do I learn to feel

How do I learn to care

How do I pick up the pieces of my heart

and move on…

Right now, I am eating eggs and bacon wrapped in a tortilla

Drinking a Sapphire dirty martini

With Gouda stuffed green olives

I am feeling.

I am feeling a buzz and tasting 

What else, nothing else

So much and so little, all at the same time

Dreaming of a dance

Where real love commences 

Where the passion begins

Where the passion ends

Under the moonlight

Living within the moonlight.

Dream of me

See me with electricity streaming 

From my fingertips

Watch me 

Feel me

Be with me

Until the light fades

Oh, do not let the light fade

Dance with me in the moonlight

Dance with me in the moonlight

Sing a song of love and mercy

Sing a song of compassion

Heal me

Heal you

Breathe for me

Because I am breathless

Feel me

Feel you

and I am free

Free to be the woman I am meant to be

How can I be her

How can I be me

How can I move past this blood ridden disease

When deep inside, that is all they see

All they see is the disease, ripping through me

They sing and dance and play

I live in this place of terror

I live in this place of hell

I live

You die

I live again

Only to be rejected

Love rejected

Unwanted

Unspoiled

Untouched by human hands

Fucking tortilla taste good in my mouth

Yet, I want more. 

I need more

I am tired of not having more

It is not easy to feel the way I feel

It is not easy to accept my disease

When there is no acceptance

There is no pleasure

There is only fear

And the pretending. 

the pretending

The pretending

Maybe the martini made me drunk

Perhaps this emotion is needing to be spoken

I need to feel

So many times, I do not feel.

I do not feel.

I put it behind me like a hidden dream

I let it fall to the side of my soul

Quiet…shhhhhh the word is dirty

The word makes people uncomfortable

The word makes me shake on the inside

So, yes…I am crying

I am feeling

I am being

in the moment

The moment of my disease

And I Don’t want it, anymore

I want it gone from my life

Take it from my body

I want to be free. 

I want to be free.

I am so sad right now

So, sad…

so, sad.

Gentle tears falling from the corner of my eye

shining…