Sadness

I don't remember a time when I did not have some kind of sadness living with me. I have a wonderful friend who said to me, "Dona, I wish to God that you did not wear your heart on your sleeve. I swear I want to cut it off. Why can't you be more like me and not give a fuck?"

I can't help it. I do give a fuck. I remember when I didn't care. I remember when I didn't love. I remember the many times I brushed a person off because it was easier than being hurt. Karma is a bitch. Karma is biting my ass, right now.

Do you know how many people I pushed away. Kicked them out of my life. Yelled at them and said   horrible things, because I didn't want to be loved. I didn't want to lose anyone. So I chose not to have anyone.

I grew up knowing loss and heartache. I washed the sorrow down with creek water and splashed my face with the cold realization, life sucks. It is what it is and that is all.

The one time that I really gave in and gave my heart away, the man gave me HIV. I can't return the blasted thing. I feel really sad right now, in this moment. I feel sad and alone.

I don't know how to shake this feeling. I don't know how to cut my heart off of my sleeve. Because, I really do care. I really do love. I really do feel heartache, right now.  I miss what could have been. What could be. What should be…because I never did.

Present Time:
I fell deep and hard and fast. Too fast, I lost my breath and time passed, time moved far too quickly.
The falling came to an end. Way too fast. Before I was ready to let go. I am still having problems with the letting go. How do you suddenly stop feeling. How do suddenly stop showing the feeling. How do you keep behaving, like nothing ever happened. I am doing my best to be the graceful and beautiful loser. I won't ask for it back. I won't beg for what cannot be. I am pretending to be okay with everything, and I am not okay with everything. I went in, head first. Not realizing what was going to happen. Not realizing the depth of emotion. Not realizing how deeply we could feel. I feel a little tortured and lost.

I cried on my friend's shoulder. He told me not to get deeply involved. He told me that I would end up feeling the way I feel, now. I shrugged off every word he said, because I enjoyed the moment…

I miss you
I miss you
I love you
I love you

Really and truly.
I will be okay, in time…sad for a while and then all will be well…
The writing helps.
Writing heals me and helps me feel what I am feeling, in words…
Otherwise, I feel all these emotions without words…and that, my friends, sucks…
and, blogging helps me release the emotion.