Dream of my ex

He walked into my dream
This man, my maker
He walked into my dream
Trying to come back in
He wanted to hug me
Kiss me, make love to me
And I could not look into his eyes
His face unacceptable
His touch, unreal
My heart ached in sadness
What, was…was real, to me
False love returned
Love of Convenience
Face of Hate
Crash it into the curb
Destroy the evidence
Walk away
Walk Away
Treat the victims
of past dismay
Heal the error
In his way
Lover of Mine, no longer
Goodbye my false love,
Goodbye

How to feel, my feelings are so raw.
I smelled his scent the other day, I cringed.
The memory of his scent and the way I loved him came crashing back into my soul. Reminding me of all that is not and will never be. I did not cry. I swallowed my emotions and continued driving. The next night, as I lie sleeping in my new lovers embrace…I dreamt.He walked into my dream, looking as sexy as he had in the past. Long black hair and solid thick body. Lithe and smooth skin. In my dream, I was embraced with my new lover and kissing with depth and feeling. He watched and wanted to kiss me. Wanting me to look at him. I could not look at him. I could not give him eye contact. We were at my Great Grandma's house. In my bedroom. My home for so long. The same home that I shared with my ex, for many years. My lover and I walked into the kitchen and my ex followed…I pushed him back, as my mother and son were nearby. I did not want them to see him. The did and they embraced him. They embraced him in a way that I could not. Because, one touch and I would be lost into the lie once again…it felt so good to believe in the lie. To believe in the family that I was creating. To believe in the life I thought was real. All I knew, I could not let him touch me… All my life, all I ever wanted was "home", a family, a connection. I put all that I was into creating a family with that man and he took my family away. He took my home away. How could I ever allow him to give me the false hope of family, once again. Yet, here I am playing "house" with my new lover. Not living with and not family, yet being a part of their home and their family…for moments. ONly moments and then I return to my broken home, my broken family. My womb feels warm and aching. My heart feels love and it is shaking. I don't know how to be with these feelings…
The dream progressed and I walked into the living room. I was given a family heirloom~one that I have never seen before~a music box time clock. A rounded arch in shape, brass and gold mesh with roman numeral numbers on the clock. I played the music and the music played for a moment and then stopped as if the mechanics were stuck. There was a bend in the rounded bottom and I worked out the bend to make the circular shape, whole again.I knew that I could fix it, in time...
My lover was watching and all I wanted was to be in my lovers embrace~to not let go..and all the while, my ex was watching me, begging for my embrace. I wanted to take a shower and he wanted to take me and make love to me, in the shower as we had done every morning we lived together…He wanted the routine that we had. He wanted what I once gave him…I yelled, what happened to your new family? What about your new wife? Where is your family? All he said, was…they are gone, they left. My first thought… they left, because you have not changed. You have not changed…you are the same man who disappoints everyone who loves you. I cannot put myself or my son in that place, ever again. And I am mad. I am mad. You left. You left me and the family and home that I was putting my heart into…you left, and I did not matter, not anymore.
My lover, ex and I all got into a car. a red suburu…I was driving, fast and at a medium recklessness for such a damp day…we were rounding a curve and something happened and the car wrecked on the curb. The tire was flat and hub broken. There was a long line of cars behind us, all wrecked~all the way down the line. All the people got out of the cars and we all waked together toward a central location, in the grass~Reminds me of Swope Parkway close to the zoo~ As we were walking, we could see the damage in the other people. The cuts and the bleeding. My new lover and I were dabbing at the blood and comforting the victims. My ex, on the other hand only walked behind. He did not help heal any wounds and then I awoke…I had to go to the bathroom and I must have made a sound of distress…and uncomfort…My lover immediately asked if I was alright…I said yes, I think…I had a dream, a vivid dream. My lover asked me about my dream and I relayed all my dream memory…I cried in my lovers arms..and I was told, Let me be there for you…
And then I slept again…

This has been on my mind for a couple of days now. Why did he appear in my dream, looking as lovely as he had then. I know he does not look like that anymore.
I say goodbye to him. and hello to new possibilities, whatever they may be.

Shhhh, she whispers

Shhhhh, she whispers to the night wind
You cannot tell all my secrets
And the tree laughs and shakes her branches
The story has already been told
Waves of energy glisten upon the land
Life is repeated again and again
A new person
A new story
The same emotion
The same story

Shhh, she whispers out in the night
I do not want everyone to know
The grass sings a simple song
The flowers laugh with fragrant delight
It is seen
It is known
All the world sees how you glow
All the world dreams your glow
All of time sings your song
All of life listens

Shh, she whispers
How do I say the words I feel
How do I be what it is, I feel
The tree listens and the grass perks up
The flowers blossom and the wind speaks up
Little daughter of the moon
I blow and the tree grows
The grass is green from sun and rain
The flowers have scent to tickle your nose
Be who you are and your words will grow

Sh, silent little daughter and know
Your nature is your nature, all alone
Your love speaks to the land
Sings a song in the wind
The trees pick up the energy
Sending your love from here to there
And back to flower again
The grass awaits your feet
Sing your song of love and truth
All of time is waiting on you

Feel the garden of love begin
The life is life and life again
You cannot ask a tea cup to be a bird
The nature of life is to be who you are
A tree is a tree and a flower a flower
How can a tree be the nature of a flower
Your nature is vibrant and knowing
Be vibrant and knowing
Be bright and eloquent
Be exactly, who you are in all your glory

Hummingbird

Hummingbird flitters by, flies away…
Golden green and blue pink wings 
Here and there drinking life
Taking joy and dancing 
Holding life in fragile wings, flying
I smile, content
Watching the beauty watching me
Taking joy and dancing
I live with fragile wings, flying
There is a lesson in Hummingbird wisdom

Take your joy and live
Drink from the fountain of life and give
There is beauty
There is hope
There is love
Remember the bittersweet past
Look forward to the living future
Dance, now…in the present
Breathe in life
And all of life, says…yes…

Acupuncture

Acupuncture

I had a vision while having acupuncture done the other day.
I heard the words, you have to look creatively to see the door, in an alternate viewpoint.
I then saw a small old man in a white/creamy living light robe.
He was bald and a light lived within.
He smiled and the door he was walking into was not vertical, but a diagonal horizontal entry.
He was walking in and he let me know that my path is alternate. Yet it is there all I need to do is see it. Such a peace and knowledge... The knowing living inside. Come on, he was saying. Come inside.

Next, I saw a hall of open doors, one after another. Not on each side of the wall, but one behind the other. I could see them all. All were open and waiting. That is my path. So many places. There was a light coming from all the doors.

Next, I saw a tree. A large tree. Not here, not on earth. The tree was mossy and had steps leading up. Alive...and the atmosphere was wet and damp. I was a lizard. Broad and dark greenish brown. I lived on the tree. I felt the tree and knew her name. Every part was tantalizing and alive. I was small enough that I could be under the thick moss and touch her inner bark. Touching upon her knowing. The connections, all is connected. All is one.

In essence, all these represent an aspect of me. Guiding me to me by me. The answers live within,this I know. Trusting myself is Important. Trusting myself creates a vulnerability that really isn't there. The vulnerability is false. A false front that I have thrown up as a way to come up with a false reason for distrusting mySelf.

In recognizing this, Voila! Gone... Wow! We are all one, there is no reason why I "need" to hide behind a mask of anything...

05/08/2010

Existence and Time

How many other Existences are out there

In how many worlds must we die before our spirit ends its quest

I drive along the lonely highway and feel the touch of people dying

Have I died in one existence

Only to begin living again in another

Are those who have passed in this world

Alive in another and missing us

Is this why I feel you

You who have passed from this time

You who lives in another dimension

Time falls away and the flowers grow

The trees sing and dance and the the wind blows

I feel the essence of life flowing

I feel the essence of life growing

I feel the essence of life knowing

And see the things I don't understand

And feel the meaning of life hiding in the grass

I watch the footprint of the Spirit of Creation walk

Fast, oh so fast and I would like to keep up

And yet the footprints are swiftly moving

As wind blowing through the grass

So, here I am

Tasting life and acknowledging the essence

Feeling those who have passed and those who live

Knowing the movement of time and not understanding

One day, I will put it all together

All of time will combine

The worlds will collide

I will see all this that I feel and know

I will see you

That is when time will know

All of us who have passed before

Into the wind of intricate creation

The spirit within will dissipate and we will be whole

Dissipated within one time and one creation

One light

One love

One time

One being

Complete and whole

You see, because we are all the same

You and I

We live

We laugh

We love

And we cry

Who are you and

Who am I

Human's Be~ing

Residing within Existence and Time

04/07/11

Night

Simple sounds fill the night
Moths fly around the light
Candle flickers here and there
Crickets singing everywhere

Silence and sound
Quiet nature singing
The earth humming
The wind breathing
The trees dancing
I am part of all life
Connected

Simple sounds fill the night

Nothing Changes Who I am

I have been doing some reflecting. As most of my readers know, I am HIV POZ. My status does not change me. My status changes the way people see me. Some embrace me. Some simply disappear. Some put on the act of wanting to know more and I know that it is just to be nice so they can silently slip away as if I never existed. The more that I consider all of this, I know that none of this changes me. My status changes you. My status shakes you up and wakes you up and creates a new reality.

 I re-connected with a high school bud, a few weeks ago. A male. One that I crushed on. He and I chatted throughout the evening and he let me know that he was attracted to me and wanted to come see me…even tho he lives in another state. It would be nice to see him. So, before he could even contemplate a trip to come see me… I directed him to my blog. I asked him to read the story called "I'm Still Me" because it is a life changing story. He read it…and his response was, that is sad…and then he questioned me… Is it a true story? My response was WOW, no one has ever asked me that before… and yes…it is a true story…and then he said, I still think you are beautiful.

Does my HIV status have to change my beauty? no, I don't think so… I am beautiful. I am amazing. Nothing changes who I am…except, that story changes the way you see me.

I have had men tell me, I still want to fuck you… I have had men pursue me because they think because I am POZ that I am needy for love.

I am so not needy. Yes, I want love…I want love. I want love. I do not want pity. I do not want to be seen different and yet, I am seen different. Some people see me in a new light of respect, which is cool. I live my life like any other person except that I have to take a pill everyday to make sure I do not progress to any other diseases. I live my life to be happy and fulfilled. I live my life to take care of my son, so that he is happy and healthy. How is that any different?

I want to be looked at for who I am. Dona…

So, I don't know if I will hear back from my old high school friend. You know, and that is okay. Because, My story does not change me, it makes me even better, even stronger than I would have been if I had been just Negative Dona…now, I am Positive Dona…and that says a whole lot!

This is who I am:
Loving
Giving
Thoughtful
Considerate
Welcoming
Healing
Beautiful
Courageous
Unafraid
A mother
A sister
A daughter
A niece
A friend
A teacher
An artist
A writer
Positive

Nothing Changes Who I am and I only hope to one day find a person who cannot be changed and walk hand in hand, together…