Dream of my ex

He walked into my dream
This man, my maker
He walked into my dream
Trying to come back in
He wanted to hug me
Kiss me, make love to me
And I could not look into his eyes
His face unacceptable
His touch, unreal
My heart ached in sadness
What, was…was real, to me
False love returned
Love of Convenience
Face of Hate
Crash it into the curb
Destroy the evidence
Walk away
Walk Away
Treat the victims
of past dismay
Heal the error
In his way
Lover of Mine, no longer
Goodbye my false love,
Goodbye

How to feel, my feelings are so raw.
I smelled his scent the other day, I cringed.
The memory of his scent and the way I loved him came crashing back into my soul. Reminding me of all that is not and will never be. I did not cry. I swallowed my emotions and continued driving. The next night, as I lie sleeping in my new lovers embrace…I dreamt.He walked into my dream, looking as sexy as he had in the past. Long black hair and solid thick body. Lithe and smooth skin. In my dream, I was embraced with my new lover and kissing with depth and feeling. He watched and wanted to kiss me. Wanting me to look at him. I could not look at him. I could not give him eye contact. We were at my Great Grandma's house. In my bedroom. My home for so long. The same home that I shared with my ex, for many years. My lover and I walked into the kitchen and my ex followed…I pushed him back, as my mother and son were nearby. I did not want them to see him. The did and they embraced him. They embraced him in a way that I could not. Because, one touch and I would be lost into the lie once again…it felt so good to believe in the lie. To believe in the family that I was creating. To believe in the life I thought was real. All I knew, I could not let him touch me… All my life, all I ever wanted was "home", a family, a connection. I put all that I was into creating a family with that man and he took my family away. He took my home away. How could I ever allow him to give me the false hope of family, once again. Yet, here I am playing "house" with my new lover. Not living with and not family, yet being a part of their home and their family…for moments. ONly moments and then I return to my broken home, my broken family. My womb feels warm and aching. My heart feels love and it is shaking. I don't know how to be with these feelings…
The dream progressed and I walked into the living room. I was given a family heirloom~one that I have never seen before~a music box time clock. A rounded arch in shape, brass and gold mesh with roman numeral numbers on the clock. I played the music and the music played for a moment and then stopped as if the mechanics were stuck. There was a bend in the rounded bottom and I worked out the bend to make the circular shape, whole again.I knew that I could fix it, in time...
My lover was watching and all I wanted was to be in my lovers embrace~to not let go..and all the while, my ex was watching me, begging for my embrace. I wanted to take a shower and he wanted to take me and make love to me, in the shower as we had done every morning we lived together…He wanted the routine that we had. He wanted what I once gave him…I yelled, what happened to your new family? What about your new wife? Where is your family? All he said, was…they are gone, they left. My first thought… they left, because you have not changed. You have not changed…you are the same man who disappoints everyone who loves you. I cannot put myself or my son in that place, ever again. And I am mad. I am mad. You left. You left me and the family and home that I was putting my heart into…you left, and I did not matter, not anymore.
My lover, ex and I all got into a car. a red suburu…I was driving, fast and at a medium recklessness for such a damp day…we were rounding a curve and something happened and the car wrecked on the curb. The tire was flat and hub broken. There was a long line of cars behind us, all wrecked~all the way down the line. All the people got out of the cars and we all waked together toward a central location, in the grass~Reminds me of Swope Parkway close to the zoo~ As we were walking, we could see the damage in the other people. The cuts and the bleeding. My new lover and I were dabbing at the blood and comforting the victims. My ex, on the other hand only walked behind. He did not help heal any wounds and then I awoke…I had to go to the bathroom and I must have made a sound of distress…and uncomfort…My lover immediately asked if I was alright…I said yes, I think…I had a dream, a vivid dream. My lover asked me about my dream and I relayed all my dream memory…I cried in my lovers arms..and I was told, Let me be there for you…
And then I slept again…

This has been on my mind for a couple of days now. Why did he appear in my dream, looking as lovely as he had then. I know he does not look like that anymore.
I say goodbye to him. and hello to new possibilities, whatever they may be.