Night

Simple sounds fill the night
Moths fly around the light
Candle flickers here and there
Crickets singing everywhere

Silence and sound
Quiet nature singing
The earth humming
The wind breathing
The trees dancing
I am part of all life
Connected

Simple sounds fill the night

Nothing Changes Who I am

I have been doing some reflecting. As most of my readers know, I am HIV POZ. My status does not change me. My status changes the way people see me. Some embrace me. Some simply disappear. Some put on the act of wanting to know more and I know that it is just to be nice so they can silently slip away as if I never existed. The more that I consider all of this, I know that none of this changes me. My status changes you. My status shakes you up and wakes you up and creates a new reality.

 I re-connected with a high school bud, a few weeks ago. A male. One that I crushed on. He and I chatted throughout the evening and he let me know that he was attracted to me and wanted to come see me…even tho he lives in another state. It would be nice to see him. So, before he could even contemplate a trip to come see me… I directed him to my blog. I asked him to read the story called "I'm Still Me" because it is a life changing story. He read it…and his response was, that is sad…and then he questioned me… Is it a true story? My response was WOW, no one has ever asked me that before… and yes…it is a true story…and then he said, I still think you are beautiful.

Does my HIV status have to change my beauty? no, I don't think so… I am beautiful. I am amazing. Nothing changes who I am…except, that story changes the way you see me.

I have had men tell me, I still want to fuck you… I have had men pursue me because they think because I am POZ that I am needy for love.

I am so not needy. Yes, I want love…I want love. I want love. I do not want pity. I do not want to be seen different and yet, I am seen different. Some people see me in a new light of respect, which is cool. I live my life like any other person except that I have to take a pill everyday to make sure I do not progress to any other diseases. I live my life to be happy and fulfilled. I live my life to take care of my son, so that he is happy and healthy. How is that any different?

I want to be looked at for who I am. Dona…

So, I don't know if I will hear back from my old high school friend. You know, and that is okay. Because, My story does not change me, it makes me even better, even stronger than I would have been if I had been just Negative Dona…now, I am Positive Dona…and that says a whole lot!

This is who I am:
Loving
Giving
Thoughtful
Considerate
Welcoming
Healing
Beautiful
Courageous
Unafraid
A mother
A sister
A daughter
A niece
A friend
A teacher
An artist
A writer
Positive

Nothing Changes Who I am and I only hope to one day find a person who cannot be changed and walk hand in hand, together…

Golden Owl

A dream, when remembered has a message. A meaning. An interpretation. I dreamt that I was offered to purchase a small trinket. The trinket seemed inconsequential and small. It was wrapped in plastic and sealed in a zip lock bag. I opened the baggie, as a second thought~to get a look at this trinket. As I took it out of the bag, a sound was happening. A beautiful sound~meaningful to all and yet different tones were heard by each one present…I looked down and in my hand, the small inconsequential trinket had grown larger and was actually a golden owl pendent on a golden necklace. I did not expect to see the owl nor hear the sound. What a pleasant surprise! How Beautiful!

Everything we do in life has meaning. Even tho something seems small and inconsequential…you could create a song. Each person will be affected individually and a note will ring true and soon a melody will happen… We are the notes in life. We are the bringers of beauty. We are the keepers of the stories. Tell the story. Everyone will hear the necessary part for their story.

The Green Man

Rough timbered voice calls to me
The green man speaks softly
Not looking at me, not looking
He is feeling me
Off to the side, knowing me
He is coming closer and closer
Asking me to love him
Not looking at me, not looking
The green man comes

He is soft spoken, wild
A man of the land
Quiet spoken and savage
He is seeking the lady
His lady of light
He hides in the foliage
Works in the dark
Good deeds done, without a sound
He watches
He waits

He is protector,
Watcher
Father
Brother
Lover
He is man
He is all
He is coming
Soon.

Something to think about

So, I had this dream a few nights ago.
I was traveling in a familiar area. Many of the exits were closed due to construction and I had to keep searching for a way out. A way home. Every where I turned, there was a road block...so, I kept trying to find a solution and finally I found my way up a one lane road and the only way to get to where I needed to go...was to make my own path.
To keep going forward, there was a steep cliff and a hill and no roads...and many large boulders and other obstacles... I remember constantly thinking...how...and what can I do to get to where I want to go...and then I awoke.
I woke up with a wonderful feeling! I did not give up...not even in the dream. Even at the last wink of my eyes as sleep fell to wakefulness, I was searching for a way to go on ahead...there is always a solution!
 We may not like the path...but, there will be a path. There will be a way. Life is not easy. So many things get in the way and it is easy to want to quit...well, I do not want to quit! I want to go forward into the unknown and forge my path...my way...to find my way home! Believe me...I will find my way!

My Letter To HIV

Dear HIV,Sometimes, I don't know what to say to you. Other times, I fume and rant and rage with cussing and foot stomping. You anger me. You took my peace. I am a peaceful woman and now, I don't feel peaceful. Look at me, on the outside I am beautiful and on the inside, you reign. You are the queen living inside me and taking from my life. Sure, I can cover it all up with pretty words and say, I am the same Dona that I used to be....but, am I? Am I the same woman that you met all those years ago? I have changed in many ways, some...I will say, I am thankful for the change and others...yeah, I cannot be thankful for the others. You made me more aware of myself. Thoughtful of who I allow in my life and what I put inside my body, because if I damage my body, you will be right there with a quickness and devour my strength. So, yes...I love how I am aware of what is happening around and within me. I hate the fatigue. I hate the fear. I hate having you in my life. When it all boils down to reality, I feel broken. I am incomplete and afraid of intimacy. Where I once was passionate and an awesome lover, I am afraid to be involved emotionally and physically with another. I have tried and I end up crying. Even tho I know I am worthy of love, having you hiding in my body, hangs as a cloud above my head and I don't know how I can be with another person...and just be me. No matter how much I am "just me", I am not "just me". I am me and you. We are a team. An unwanted team...So, I will remain broken. I recently read about a Goddess from India, her name is Goddess Akhilandeshvari. Her name means "never not broken". She is the Goddess of turmoil, sadness, life changes...The Always Broken, Goddess. She rides a Crocodile, which is essentially her fear, her turmoil. She travels upon the back of her great danger and her body is broken and radiates light and change. She surrenders to change.You, HIV are my change. You are my fear. You are my Crocodile and I will ride the hell out of you and surrender to my change of life. I am always broken. Always. With my broken-ness, I will inspire and radiate light and life and continue to flow with the changes. You, despite your best effort, will not control me. I will control you. So, HIV.... One day, you will leave my body, we will separate. My soul will travel to the light and you will fall to the grave. Despite the changes you have caused in my life, I win. I win with graciousness and beauty because I will die on my terms and become one with the light. Your connection to me is temporary and I belong to the eternal. I am saddling up my Crocodile and riding to the sunset and under the moon light...you cannot stop me...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HTlxThdsVRE&sns=em The link takes you to YouTube, where I am reading/saying the letter, out loud.

Sincerely, Dona L. Lackey

Vampire Days

Some days it don't come easy, and some days it don't come hard Some days it don't come at all, and these are the days that never end Some nights you're breathing fire, and some nights you're carved in ice Some nights you're like nothing I've ever seen before or will again... Meatloaf (I would do anything for love)

Yeah... today was a vampire day... Lab Work, Blood Draw...No biggee.... except, it is a big deal..In two weeks, I will find out if my medicene is still working. This is such a strange feeling. Really strange...Memories of the realness of the virus creep up and invade the mind.Memories of the past...The Memories suck...Reality hits you smack dab into the gut and then the back pains start...from anxiety of actually going and having the blood taken...I even had trouble sleeping last night... argh...So, I went in this afternoon...knowing that sometimes, it takes a while to get into the room for the vampire to begin sucking..

I had to wait almost an hour and a half... I am not a good sitter...but, this ID Doc is wonderful and extremely popular... The funny thing, is...that once the process has started and is done...I relax...my back quits hurting..The unfortunate part is...in two weeks, I will have the same pains and anxiety all over again. For the lab results...

Some days I pray for silence
Some days I pray for soul
And some days I just pray to the gods of sex and drums and rock and roll (Meatloaf again)

Every time I visit my Doc... I begin to have a sense of pride...I am capable...I am doing well... I am handling my life to the best of my ability.

Look at me...I am HIV +
I am beautiful
I am smart
and sensitive
and amazing
There is nothing out there that I cannot accomplish...if I set my mind to it...

I like me... I like being who I am...
There is magic in being comfortable in your own skin...and I am one magical lady!!!
So, bring on those Vampire days...suck me dry and tell me my numbers...cause numbers do not lie!!!
I will update this, in two weeks with my results!!!