The Secret

I want to hear the secret hiding within the trees

The wind talks gently to the trees

I want to know the story of birth and creation

I want to know how deep you feel and how dark you will go

I want to hear the secret only the wind and trees know

They whisper one to the other and back again

While the branches bend and wave 

Back and forth, they go

Sometimes, I sit and listen 

Hours pass

Days go by

The minutes travel and seconds fly

I still do not know the secret of your heart

I still do not know the secret of my heart

Who is the keeper of the minutes of time

Who is the keeper of this heart of mine

Who is the lover I ache for, so dear

Who is the master of my soul

And when will I FEEL

My hands ache 

My fingers caress the rough bark

My ears ache

My ears listen to the the silent ringing within

The ghost of my past, passes by

The memory of what was and what could not be

The ghost of my present torments me

The phantom hiding around the corner 

My future hides from me

Into the abyss I go

Fallen into time

Fallen into the roots of the beginning

Tangled, they are tangled round my feet

My toes disappear

As my heart crumbles

Little pieces of my soul are shattered and sent forth

Little pieces of my life flashing in my mind

I see the dance of romance, coming

I see the truth of darkness turning

I see the light of love commence

I see the change happen

I see the roots digging deep within the soil

I see the soul become complete

Of all this I see and know

Time eludes me

Time does not friend me

Time will not tell me more than the pictures show

So, I cultivate the soil and water the roots

Fertilize my life with love and growth

Allow the light to glisten my soul

Allow the light to glow

I breathe with the wind and sway with the trees

All of time happens in time's season

Falling leaves upon the ground

Winter snow pouring down

Spring brings forth budding flowers

And Summer time brings sun-filled hours

All of time happens in Time's Season

Wait for it

Wait for it

Manifesting Change

How do you manifest change in life?
First, you have to be grateful for what you have and for what you do not have.

When I began this manifesting journey, I awoke each morning with a song of joy on my lips and embraced the day for all the good the day promised.

This does not mean that I awoke in joy.
This does not mean that my life was a piece of cake.
This does not mean that being grateful for things that I didn't have, was easy.

Manifesting Change… and Faith…Belief…Hope…
My thought is, if you want it, whatever "it" is, you have to Hope for "it"…Believe in yourself and your ability to attain "it"…Faith is the belief that "it" has already happened and your are reaping the reward of what you want, now…

For the most part, I have experienced all of this and a little more…in some parts of my life…I still do not have all that I have been grateful for, for so many years… and yeah..I am bitter.

When I really consider that part missing from my life, I think… that is okay…because there are some parts of myself I am not ready to give to another…there are some traits that I am not ready to face~which means I will have to be vulnerable…and who wants to be all vulnerable.

Am I satisfied, yes… no… not really…in my heart of hearts there is this last thing I want to experience…This last part that has not happened.

The freaking for-real relationship/family/life thing…

I see it happening for so many people…not for me.
So, how do I manifest this change?
How do I become this relationship that I want, deep in my heart and soul?
When I let the fear guide me~
So, yes… I want to be saved.
There, I said it, I admit it… I want to be saved by the regal knight in shining armor… I want the romance and the light and the beauty…and the everything… I want a home and family…I have a little family, a half of a family…I need to be whole. I don't know how to be whole.

So, starting now…right this freaking minute…I am manifesting change… instead of running from what I  want, I am gonna get down into the core of who I am and what I want and who I want…so that the real relationship bullshit will manifest… Everything else is happening…why can't this happen?

Everything is possible.
All of life is possible.
Everything we desire is available… it really  is…I truly believe this…
So, I have had to go through lots of different types of fires to come to this point in my life…I have had to see heartache and heartbreak and fucked up diseases… yeah well, there is much worse… I could be dead…and I am not, so I might as well get on the truck and start making the changes necessary…stop being afraid.

I am grateful for my overflowing bank account
I am grateful for my dream car
I am grateful for my home and bills all paid
I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life/quality folks
I am grateful for my overflowing clientele
I am grateful for my charming son and all his awesome grades in school
I am grateful for my life partner~who is most amazing and inspiring~


so, everyday I will say this with Hope, Belief and Faith…because it is… I may add more as I remember what I am forgetting… LOL...

What is Love?

Have you ever truly loved another? Looked deep within their soul and "see"?
I have.
I do not love, often. To love another person is rare and a gift, a choice even…

How to count the shades of love and never lie…hmmmm how?
There are many depths to feeling this love. Love is a sorrowful pleasure, achingly bittersweet…
Tragic even.

Few people have known the touch of my love. Many people know my kindness. Many people know my touch of camaraderie. But, to feel my love…a whole other story.

I never expect anyone to like me. People do like me. Liking me is simple because I am easy to like. I smile and you smile, I laugh and you laugh and you get the picture. The whole idea is to be liked and I am always surprised at how much people like me.

When someone feels romantic interest in me, often I do not know how to feel. I do not know how to react. I do not know what to do. More often than not, I will push the romantic interest away because I am not prepared to love that person in the way they deserve to be loved.

There are a select few who I let "in". To those who I have let in, the love was amazing and wonderful for a time. I fall deeply in love…I crash hard when the love time ends.

And it doesn't matter how often I understand the reasons why the love does not work out. It really doesn't matter at all, I need the time to grieve the love I am missing. I need the time to deal with the feeling of loss, where there once was hope. This takes time. This takes too much time and too many tears. I understand all the reasons why things don't work out but, it does not change all the words I heard while we were involved. It does not change.

I look at my own decisions and my decisions are based upon my happiness and when someone or something does not make me happy~I change things. I cannot have this unhappiness in my life.

I look at this most recent situation I was involved in~I went in, knowing what it was…the relationship was not supposed to evolve to emotional feelings. It was supposed to be fun and simple and then things escalated out of proportion. Loving emotions happened all the way around. I don't even know how it happened. The timing is wrong. The relationship is not an easy one for people to accept. The other party needed time to focus and deal with life situations.

My unhappiness was paramount. The relationship cannot be what I need a relationship to be and I was let go~ I was let go because I deserve someone to be able to openly love me and be involved with me. I deserve someone able to love me the way I need to be loved.

I feel lonely and sad. I understand every word spoken. I understand the agony on both sides of the coin. I understand the need to be happy. I understand how life gets in the way and how the roller coaster of life takes your breath away. What I don't understand, is how to stop loving, abruptly.

I don't know how to let go of these emotions, when all I want to do is reach up and out and hold on tight. I didn't even care about the roller coaster ride, as long as I had those arms to hold me tight.

The thing I have to remember, is…it is not always about me. Sometimes, we have to think about the other person. We have to consider how the emotions affect their lives… I am understanding. I am remembering.

I don't have these emotions for any one else. I don't want to lie in bed with anyone else. I don't want to feel this emotion for anyone else.  If I had never heard the words, I Love You… this would have been simpler. Because, right now in this moment all I want to do is wrap my arms tightly around and sink deep within~snuggle closely and sleep feeling secure in what could be so freaking awesome.

So, I feel slighted. I feel like it is unfair for me to have to feel this sadness, alone. The relationship has not ended entirely. We are still friends. We do care for each other, deeply. You know, it isn't even about sex. The emotional intimacy is what bonds me. I miss that. I miss the simple caress. The eye contact. The warmth of being held securely.

I am trying to be okay with all of this. I am really trying. I even tried dating a couple of other people…and nope… not so good. I was not attracted to nor felt the need to be intimate with them…

So, I am writing what I feel in hopes of a better feeling and less tears. Less wanting. Less yearning for something that is not gonna happen…even tho I keep hoping it will… fuck. How do I go back to the original feeling of not knowing how to be liked. Not expecting anyone to like me. How do I return to that place, knowing that I was loved and I loved… How do I just STOP.?

That is just it, I don't want to stop. I don't have to stop loving. As I said before, the grieving process is important. I will grieve and I will always love. The energy of my love will continue to go out to the universe and one day, my love will return. Not sure of the form yet…but damn it all… it better be some kind of awesome and wonderful because that is the energy I am putting out…

Sister Of The Moon

Crescent light

And a ring of fire

Brightly illuminating paths

One road to another

One dream

One story

One song

Hear the dance unfold

Hear the light make merry

And the trees shimmer

As the energy unfolds

And the roads converge together

Leading one soul to another

Tambourines dance and sway

The bells play

Silver lights and candlelight

Watch their eyes burn

Watch then, as their hips sway

Watch them come together

Sisters of the moon

Sisters of the light

Sisters of the night

Sparkling lights glisten

Sister, souls listen

Dreamers hear the song

Mystics play along

Fire dances

Moon, beams brilliantly

As hands clasp

And power grows

Feel the electricity of the night

Feel the coolness of the light

Feel me, sister

Sister of the moon

Sadness

I don't remember a time when I did not have some kind of sadness living with me. I have a wonderful friend who said to me, "Dona, I wish to God that you did not wear your heart on your sleeve. I swear I want to cut it off. Why can't you be more like me and not give a fuck?"

I can't help it. I do give a fuck. I remember when I didn't care. I remember when I didn't love. I remember the many times I brushed a person off because it was easier than being hurt. Karma is a bitch. Karma is biting my ass, right now.

Do you know how many people I pushed away. Kicked them out of my life. Yelled at them and said   horrible things, because I didn't want to be loved. I didn't want to lose anyone. So I chose not to have anyone.

I grew up knowing loss and heartache. I washed the sorrow down with creek water and splashed my face with the cold realization, life sucks. It is what it is and that is all.

The one time that I really gave in and gave my heart away, the man gave me HIV. I can't return the blasted thing. I feel really sad right now, in this moment. I feel sad and alone.

I don't know how to shake this feeling. I don't know how to cut my heart off of my sleeve. Because, I really do care. I really do love. I really do feel heartache, right now.  I miss what could have been. What could be. What should be…because I never did.

Present Time:
I fell deep and hard and fast. Too fast, I lost my breath and time passed, time moved far too quickly.
The falling came to an end. Way too fast. Before I was ready to let go. I am still having problems with the letting go. How do you suddenly stop feeling. How do suddenly stop showing the feeling. How do you keep behaving, like nothing ever happened. I am doing my best to be the graceful and beautiful loser. I won't ask for it back. I won't beg for what cannot be. I am pretending to be okay with everything, and I am not okay with everything. I went in, head first. Not realizing what was going to happen. Not realizing the depth of emotion. Not realizing how deeply we could feel. I feel a little tortured and lost.

I cried on my friend's shoulder. He told me not to get deeply involved. He told me that I would end up feeling the way I feel, now. I shrugged off every word he said, because I enjoyed the moment…

I miss you
I miss you
I love you
I love you

Really and truly.
I will be okay, in time…sad for a while and then all will be well…
The writing helps.
Writing heals me and helps me feel what I am feeling, in words…
Otherwise, I feel all these emotions without words…and that, my friends, sucks…
and, blogging helps me release the emotion.

Beautiful Loser

Softly, I walk away

Gently, I tremble

Sadly, I say goodbye

I am a beautiful loser

Graceful, I slip away 

Into the dark night

This graceful beauty I carry

Is a loser's only friend

You say you love me

I say, I love you

You say I am amazing

I deserve the best

In the end, I lose

They all say the same story

The same line

They all will tell another

She is the best woman I know

She deserves the best that life offers

Softly, I walk away

Gently, I tremble

Sadly, I say goodbye

I am a beautiful loser

Graceful, I slip away

Into the dark night

When I love, I love

With the whole of my being

My soul intertwines with your soul

I always feel the end before it begins

I always know

Gracefully, I let you go

I wonder, when will I get what I deserve

Who will be brave enough to let me win

When will I be brave enough to let another win

This story does not end

This story does not begin

I am ever the beautiful loser

Lost Words

Moments come and moments go

Breathless feelings mixed with anticipation

Disappointment when the unexpected is expected

Reaching up and reaching out

The mind is a woman's worst enemy

Silence in the face of the dark

And tears fall in many directions

Happiness is a lovely toy being played with

Where is happiness when it is put away, on the shelf

Hanging out with lonliness

Who really hears the cry of the dove as she sings her morning song

Who really listens

They say, I hear you

They say, I love you

And then they turn away

Show you their back as they run

There is silence now

Silence of my own makeing

Silence in the heart. 

I lost an ear ring

Found it tangled in my long hair

Danced with a 21 year old boy

He said, where have you been my entire life

I laughed silently, loudly on the inside

I've been alive

I've been here

And now I'm gone

Leaving alone

Driving in my car

Sometimes, I wonder

Will there come a day when I don't have to leave anywhere

Anyplace…Alone

I see love all around me

Shadows playing with my heart

I see lust and dreams desire

In the eyes of those who want...

I stand alone 

On the outside, looking in

Incomplete

I don't know how to feel complete

I don't know how to be her

You know, the one who is, The One…

Lost words playing with my heart 

and the song plays on the radio

I listen, because it is all I can do...

Breathe With Me

I want you to run your fingers thru my hair
Touch me, tenderly
Touch me as you dream
I want to feel your hands upon my back
Your hands holding mine
Touching me, at the same time
Breathing in my ear
Breathing against my neck
I cannot get enough of your touch
Your lips
Your Mouth
Whisper to me, What you feel
Whisper to me
I want to feel your hands caress my heart, my soul
Breathing with me
Breathing against me
Hearts pulsing
Skin aching 
Earthquake shattering my soul
My body breaks open like a jigsaw puzzle
The light pours out
Breaking free
Touching you
Touching me 

Lab Results

Yeah, so today was another vampire result day! ;)
okay, so that is a smile… I always stress on finding out the results of my bloodwork.

Quite honestly, it is a little frightening. All the what if's come up in your mind…and you wonder…am I gonna be okay?
What if the results say I am screwed and I have become resistant to meds… such a hard feeling…

Well, I sucked it up and made it through my day…

Finally, the time came…lab result time…
yeah…

My CD 4's are 508 and my percentage is 37% and I have even less copies of the virus in my blood! Which means that my undetectableness is even more undetectable! BOOOOOYAH!!!
Yeah, I like that!

Even more, what that means… I am okay… the meds are working and the virus is not gonna get me, not yet! I gotta keep up what I am doing and live well…and have fun while I am doing it!

I feel even better about hanging out with my new "hang out" partners… LOL… not quite sure what to call them, yet… and that is okay! I am really enjoying our friendship and more… okay, I am cheesing here… with a real big heartfelt smile… ;)

Take It From Me.

Dreams dance by

Twilight hours

Peaking at the moonlight

I sing into the night wind

Wondering, when…When?

When will the moonlight call me

Be my bride my sister my soul

Be my love my sister my soul

I ache for acceptance

In the mortal realm

I am a beginner at life

I am a beginner at the prospect of death

A goddess, in my last life

Worshipped and approved

Living here is damning

Tiring and spamming

Like an unwanted email in the bulk mail folder

Hmmmmm. 

How do I continue

How do I begin

How do I end?

I do not feel accepted

I do not feel accepted

I do not feel accepted

How do I learn to feel

How do I learn to care

How do I pick up the pieces of my heart

and move on…

Right now, I am eating eggs and bacon wrapped in a tortilla

Drinking a Sapphire dirty martini

With Gouda stuffed green olives

I am feeling.

I am feeling a buzz and tasting 

What else, nothing else

So much and so little, all at the same time

Dreaming of a dance

Where real love commences 

Where the passion begins

Where the passion ends

Under the moonlight

Living within the moonlight.

Dream of me

See me with electricity streaming 

From my fingertips

Watch me 

Feel me

Be with me

Until the light fades

Oh, do not let the light fade

Dance with me in the moonlight

Dance with me in the moonlight

Sing a song of love and mercy

Sing a song of compassion

Heal me

Heal you

Breathe for me

Because I am breathless

Feel me

Feel you

and I am free

Free to be the woman I am meant to be

How can I be her

How can I be me

How can I move past this blood ridden disease

When deep inside, that is all they see

All they see is the disease, ripping through me

They sing and dance and play

I live in this place of terror

I live in this place of hell

I live

You die

I live again

Only to be rejected

Love rejected

Unwanted

Unspoiled

Untouched by human hands

Fucking tortilla taste good in my mouth

Yet, I want more. 

I need more

I am tired of not having more

It is not easy to feel the way I feel

It is not easy to accept my disease

When there is no acceptance

There is no pleasure

There is only fear

And the pretending. 

the pretending

The pretending

Maybe the martini made me drunk

Perhaps this emotion is needing to be spoken

I need to feel

So many times, I do not feel.

I do not feel.

I put it behind me like a hidden dream

I let it fall to the side of my soul

Quiet…shhhhhh the word is dirty

The word makes people uncomfortable

The word makes me shake on the inside

So, yes…I am crying

I am feeling

I am being

in the moment

The moment of my disease

And I Don’t want it, anymore

I want it gone from my life

Take it from my body

I want to be free. 

I want to be free.

I am so sad right now

So, sad…

so, sad.

Gentle tears falling from the corner of my eye

shining…

Right Now

Outside, listening to the sounds of life
Right now, I breathe deeply the scent of life
I listen to the voice of the wind
And hear the insects play their humble tune
Dance with me under the dark light of the moon
Sing with me under the dark starless night
Rustling creatures walking by
Kitty cat stalking moths while I type
Here I am, in this moment
Rested, relaxed and peaceful
Feeling the wind caress my cheek
Harnessing the power touching my feet
Listening to life speak
Listening to my world dream
Quiet now, under the dark light of the moon
Quiet now, under the dark starless night
I hear a song begin to sing
I hear the voices of the dead dream
I touch the wisdom of the long gone
I touch the dark simple silence
Do you hear my heart sing
Do you hear my soul sing
Do you listen for the sound
Close your eyes
Close your mind
Close your ears and journey within
There, is where I am

This is Why I Smile

“Somewhere someone is thinking of you. Someone is calling you an angel. This person is using celestial colors to paint your image. Someone is making you into a vision so beautiful that it can only live in the mind. Someone is thinking of the way your breath escapes your lips when you are touched. How your eyes close and your jaw tightens with concentration as you give pleasure a home. These thoughts are saving a life somewhere right now. In some airless apartment on a dark, urine stained, whore lined street, someone is calling out to you silently and you are answering without even being there. So crystalline. So pure. Such life saving power when you smile. You will never know how you have cauterized my wounds. So sad that we will never touch. How it hurts me to know that I will never be able to give you everything I have."”
Henry Rollins


Wow...This is beautiful.

This is why I smile
For the unknown moments
The secret moments in quiet despair
I hope to touch a thousand lives
With one look,
One smile
A sparkle of truth from my heart
From my eye.

And even when I feel the darkness creeping
Your smile saves me
Your sparkle calls to me
Your light brings peace to my existence
I may not know you
You may not know me
Yet, you have touched the secret place
Inside...
Your smile has set me free...
Thank you for your beauty
Thank you for your truth
Thank you for remembering
Sometimes we all need a hand
Sometimes we all need a smile

Smile tho the darkness comes
Shine your light tho your insides quiver
Sparkle on dear soul
Sparkle on...
My hand reaches out
Your hand reaches up
Together we work to rise to the top
This is not always a peaceful existence
This place called Earth
This place called home
Yes, this Earth is my Home
You are all my brethren
Can we not all learn to love
Co-exist in beauty
Can we all learn to love in beauty
Love in strength
Love in hope
Love in the miracle of life
Love even in the peace of death

I am lost in this world
I am lost here
Sometimes, I don't know where to go
I don't know where to turn
Sometimes, I lose sight of hope
Sometimes, I wonder where did the beauty go
Where is the heart and soul of each moment

Don't you know that each moment, each breath is beauty
Don't you remember
Remember the time before time, 
When all was whole and set before you?
Remember the time before time,
Remember the peace
Remember the peace
The beauty is here
Listen for the beauty
The time before time still exists
Fall down on your knees and listen to your heart
Feel for you soul
Cry to the Heavens
Cry to the Heavens
You will find your beauty, your peace
Your love will return
Your knowledge of love and truth and mercy does live 
Inside

I stand on the mountain
Feet bare and connected to the Earth
My arms raised high 
Fingers reaching to the Heavens
I stretch 
I connect
I feel the energy living all around 
The birds singing
The insects crawling
The wind caressing my body, my face
The wind blowing my hair all around
I feel
I feel
I didn't forget
I didn't lose sight of the truth
The knowledge is here, living and waiting
Waiting in eager anticipation of being found alive
So much life
So much here
Even the dusty rock covered in dry grass 
Lodged in the Earth, knows 
Even the trees dancing in the breeze, know
And you, the one with an untrained ear
You ask, what do they know
How do I create the moment for you
How do I teach you to see and hear the beauty
What can I say that will aid in your memory
Will you awaken and know as the trees and rocks know
Will you awaken
Your time is coming
Your time is coming
I am not to worry and this, I know
Those who have ears, will hear
Funny, we all have ears...
So, hear...