Venting

Sometime, the words I hear from the mouths of those I hold dear…amazes me. I have a great friend. I have known him since I was 19 years old. We dated for a while and I realized he was a total ASS, to women…I ended the relationship. Years later, we ran into one another again and began a lasting friendship. I told him, we could never be intimate yet I believe he could be a great friend. He has proven to be a wonderful friend to me…He is one of the first people I told about my disease and he has been wonderfully supportive!

What I want to vent about, is the way he is in his relationships and the things he says~~~~
He began seeing a woman several years ago. She is a nice woman, sometimes: when she isn't on crack…LOL, really. One of the issues in their relationship is his fidelity. He refuse to be faithful to her. Some folks get off on open relationships. This guy, wants to be able to sleep with whomever he wants and his girlfriend cannot. He also expects her to accept him the way he is…except he does all of his cheating behind a lie. He lies to her and says that he is not cheating. He has at least three other women dangling from a string at all times. He builds them up with words of love and the knocks the love down and then comes back in like a screwed up hero to caress their tears and feed on their insecurity.

I always call him out on this behavior. I always tell him to stop. Many women over the years have called me to ask for advice about staying involved with him. I never lie. I don't tell them blatantly that he is cheating. I do, however tell them that if they are not happy now, they will not be happy later. Do what makes you happy. Needless to say, this last girlfriend of his, broke his "heart". She was tired of all his BS…

So, he says to me…what is wrong with me…I have a job, I have a car, I have been tested and I am clean… I am a great catch.

I looked at him and said…No…you are not a good catch and are you trying to imply that I am not clean. Seriously. You are a dick. You treat women like shit. Why would any woman want to stay involved with a man who treats them like shit. I on the other hand am an amazing catch. I might have a disease…but, I am honest and loving and I don't treat people like shit. There are way too many folks out there being assholes…you want a good woman, start being honest and it might happen.

Last week, he told me that he had been "sleeping" with his neighbor and he called to see what she was doing and her reply was, I have been sick all morning, puking… His first thought was OH NO… she is pregnant because he has not used a condom with her. While he is telling me this story, I am fuming…so angry…MAD. I said STOP… Why are you not keeping your shit covered! You know what happened to me. You KNOW! Why are you not protecting yourself…and if you don't want kids…damn… PROTECT yourself and the woman you are sleeping with! Needless to say…she is not pregnant… just had the flu…Thank goodness!

Two days ago, he tells me that he has started talking to his ex again. Like I said, she is nice and she deserves someone to treat her well and with love. So I told him, You are not allowed to ever talk bad about her again and if you are going to be involved with her then you have to be faithful. Treat her right. Then he proceeds to tell me about another woman he met. I cut him off… and said, if you are going to start seeing your ex again, you are not allowed to tell me anything about any other woman, ever again. I am tired of this.

He thanked me, profusely. He even told me what I said was exactly what he needed to hear….

Why can't people treat people right. Why is he so good to me and when he is involved with someone, sexually…he turns into a complete and total ass….???? What is it with us… We are a screwed up race of people… I know…not all of us are like this…but, damn…I see so many people settling for toxic relationships… I cannot settle. I am still mad at him.

The Secret

I want to hear the secret hiding within the trees

The wind talks gently to the trees

I want to know the story of birth and creation

I want to know how deep you feel and how dark you will go

I want to hear the secret only the wind and trees know

They whisper one to the other and back again

While the branches bend and wave 

Back and forth, they go

Sometimes, I sit and listen 

Hours pass

Days go by

The minutes travel and seconds fly

I still do not know the secret of your heart

I still do not know the secret of my heart

Who is the keeper of the minutes of time

Who is the keeper of this heart of mine

Who is the lover I ache for, so dear

Who is the master of my soul

And when will I FEEL

My hands ache 

My fingers caress the rough bark

My ears ache

My ears listen to the the silent ringing within

The ghost of my past, passes by

The memory of what was and what could not be

The ghost of my present torments me

The phantom hiding around the corner 

My future hides from me

Into the abyss I go

Fallen into time

Fallen into the roots of the beginning

Tangled, they are tangled round my feet

My toes disappear

As my heart crumbles

Little pieces of my soul are shattered and sent forth

Little pieces of my life flashing in my mind

I see the dance of romance, coming

I see the truth of darkness turning

I see the light of love commence

I see the change happen

I see the roots digging deep within the soil

I see the soul become complete

Of all this I see and know

Time eludes me

Time does not friend me

Time will not tell me more than the pictures show

So, I cultivate the soil and water the roots

Fertilize my life with love and growth

Allow the light to glisten my soul

Allow the light to glow

I breathe with the wind and sway with the trees

All of time happens in time's season

Falling leaves upon the ground

Winter snow pouring down

Spring brings forth budding flowers

And Summer time brings sun-filled hours

All of time happens in Time's Season

Wait for it

Wait for it

Manifesting Change

How do you manifest change in life?
First, you have to be grateful for what you have and for what you do not have.

When I began this manifesting journey, I awoke each morning with a song of joy on my lips and embraced the day for all the good the day promised.

This does not mean that I awoke in joy.
This does not mean that my life was a piece of cake.
This does not mean that being grateful for things that I didn't have, was easy.

Manifesting Change… and Faith…Belief…Hope…
My thought is, if you want it, whatever "it" is, you have to Hope for "it"…Believe in yourself and your ability to attain "it"…Faith is the belief that "it" has already happened and your are reaping the reward of what you want, now…

For the most part, I have experienced all of this and a little more…in some parts of my life…I still do not have all that I have been grateful for, for so many years… and yeah..I am bitter.

When I really consider that part missing from my life, I think… that is okay…because there are some parts of myself I am not ready to give to another…there are some traits that I am not ready to face~which means I will have to be vulnerable…and who wants to be all vulnerable.

Am I satisfied, yes… no… not really…in my heart of hearts there is this last thing I want to experience…This last part that has not happened.

The freaking for-real relationship/family/life thing…

I see it happening for so many people…not for me.
So, how do I manifest this change?
How do I become this relationship that I want, deep in my heart and soul?
When I let the fear guide me~
So, yes… I want to be saved.
There, I said it, I admit it… I want to be saved by the regal knight in shining armor… I want the romance and the light and the beauty…and the everything… I want a home and family…I have a little family, a half of a family…I need to be whole. I don't know how to be whole.

So, starting now…right this freaking minute…I am manifesting change… instead of running from what I  want, I am gonna get down into the core of who I am and what I want and who I want…so that the real relationship bullshit will manifest… Everything else is happening…why can't this happen?

Everything is possible.
All of life is possible.
Everything we desire is available… it really  is…I truly believe this…
So, I have had to go through lots of different types of fires to come to this point in my life…I have had to see heartache and heartbreak and fucked up diseases… yeah well, there is much worse… I could be dead…and I am not, so I might as well get on the truck and start making the changes necessary…stop being afraid.

I am grateful for my overflowing bank account
I am grateful for my dream car
I am grateful for my home and bills all paid
I am grateful for the wonderful people in my life/quality folks
I am grateful for my overflowing clientele
I am grateful for my charming son and all his awesome grades in school
I am grateful for my life partner~who is most amazing and inspiring~


so, everyday I will say this with Hope, Belief and Faith…because it is… I may add more as I remember what I am forgetting… LOL...

What is Love?

Have you ever truly loved another? Looked deep within their soul and "see"?
I have.
I do not love, often. To love another person is rare and a gift, a choice even…

How to count the shades of love and never lie…hmmmm how?
There are many depths to feeling this love. Love is a sorrowful pleasure, achingly bittersweet…
Tragic even.

Few people have known the touch of my love. Many people know my kindness. Many people know my touch of camaraderie. But, to feel my love…a whole other story.

I never expect anyone to like me. People do like me. Liking me is simple because I am easy to like. I smile and you smile, I laugh and you laugh and you get the picture. The whole idea is to be liked and I am always surprised at how much people like me.

When someone feels romantic interest in me, often I do not know how to feel. I do not know how to react. I do not know what to do. More often than not, I will push the romantic interest away because I am not prepared to love that person in the way they deserve to be loved.

There are a select few who I let "in". To those who I have let in, the love was amazing and wonderful for a time. I fall deeply in love…I crash hard when the love time ends.

And it doesn't matter how often I understand the reasons why the love does not work out. It really doesn't matter at all, I need the time to grieve the love I am missing. I need the time to deal with the feeling of loss, where there once was hope. This takes time. This takes too much time and too many tears. I understand all the reasons why things don't work out but, it does not change all the words I heard while we were involved. It does not change.

I look at my own decisions and my decisions are based upon my happiness and when someone or something does not make me happy~I change things. I cannot have this unhappiness in my life.

I look at this most recent situation I was involved in~I went in, knowing what it was…the relationship was not supposed to evolve to emotional feelings. It was supposed to be fun and simple and then things escalated out of proportion. Loving emotions happened all the way around. I don't even know how it happened. The timing is wrong. The relationship is not an easy one for people to accept. The other party needed time to focus and deal with life situations.

My unhappiness was paramount. The relationship cannot be what I need a relationship to be and I was let go~ I was let go because I deserve someone to be able to openly love me and be involved with me. I deserve someone able to love me the way I need to be loved.

I feel lonely and sad. I understand every word spoken. I understand the agony on both sides of the coin. I understand the need to be happy. I understand how life gets in the way and how the roller coaster of life takes your breath away. What I don't understand, is how to stop loving, abruptly.

I don't know how to let go of these emotions, when all I want to do is reach up and out and hold on tight. I didn't even care about the roller coaster ride, as long as I had those arms to hold me tight.

The thing I have to remember, is…it is not always about me. Sometimes, we have to think about the other person. We have to consider how the emotions affect their lives… I am understanding. I am remembering.

I don't have these emotions for any one else. I don't want to lie in bed with anyone else. I don't want to feel this emotion for anyone else.  If I had never heard the words, I Love You… this would have been simpler. Because, right now in this moment all I want to do is wrap my arms tightly around and sink deep within~snuggle closely and sleep feeling secure in what could be so freaking awesome.

So, I feel slighted. I feel like it is unfair for me to have to feel this sadness, alone. The relationship has not ended entirely. We are still friends. We do care for each other, deeply. You know, it isn't even about sex. The emotional intimacy is what bonds me. I miss that. I miss the simple caress. The eye contact. The warmth of being held securely.

I am trying to be okay with all of this. I am really trying. I even tried dating a couple of other people…and nope… not so good. I was not attracted to nor felt the need to be intimate with them…

So, I am writing what I feel in hopes of a better feeling and less tears. Less wanting. Less yearning for something that is not gonna happen…even tho I keep hoping it will… fuck. How do I go back to the original feeling of not knowing how to be liked. Not expecting anyone to like me. How do I return to that place, knowing that I was loved and I loved… How do I just STOP.?

That is just it, I don't want to stop. I don't have to stop loving. As I said before, the grieving process is important. I will grieve and I will always love. The energy of my love will continue to go out to the universe and one day, my love will return. Not sure of the form yet…but damn it all… it better be some kind of awesome and wonderful because that is the energy I am putting out…

Sister Of The Moon

Crescent light

And a ring of fire

Brightly illuminating paths

One road to another

One dream

One story

One song

Hear the dance unfold

Hear the light make merry

And the trees shimmer

As the energy unfolds

And the roads converge together

Leading one soul to another

Tambourines dance and sway

The bells play

Silver lights and candlelight

Watch their eyes burn

Watch then, as their hips sway

Watch them come together

Sisters of the moon

Sisters of the light

Sisters of the night

Sparkling lights glisten

Sister, souls listen

Dreamers hear the song

Mystics play along

Fire dances

Moon, beams brilliantly

As hands clasp

And power grows

Feel the electricity of the night

Feel the coolness of the light

Feel me, sister

Sister of the moon

Sadness

I don't remember a time when I did not have some kind of sadness living with me. I have a wonderful friend who said to me, "Dona, I wish to God that you did not wear your heart on your sleeve. I swear I want to cut it off. Why can't you be more like me and not give a fuck?"

I can't help it. I do give a fuck. I remember when I didn't care. I remember when I didn't love. I remember the many times I brushed a person off because it was easier than being hurt. Karma is a bitch. Karma is biting my ass, right now.

Do you know how many people I pushed away. Kicked them out of my life. Yelled at them and said   horrible things, because I didn't want to be loved. I didn't want to lose anyone. So I chose not to have anyone.

I grew up knowing loss and heartache. I washed the sorrow down with creek water and splashed my face with the cold realization, life sucks. It is what it is and that is all.

The one time that I really gave in and gave my heart away, the man gave me HIV. I can't return the blasted thing. I feel really sad right now, in this moment. I feel sad and alone.

I don't know how to shake this feeling. I don't know how to cut my heart off of my sleeve. Because, I really do care. I really do love. I really do feel heartache, right now.  I miss what could have been. What could be. What should be…because I never did.

Present Time:
I fell deep and hard and fast. Too fast, I lost my breath and time passed, time moved far too quickly.
The falling came to an end. Way too fast. Before I was ready to let go. I am still having problems with the letting go. How do you suddenly stop feeling. How do suddenly stop showing the feeling. How do you keep behaving, like nothing ever happened. I am doing my best to be the graceful and beautiful loser. I won't ask for it back. I won't beg for what cannot be. I am pretending to be okay with everything, and I am not okay with everything. I went in, head first. Not realizing what was going to happen. Not realizing the depth of emotion. Not realizing how deeply we could feel. I feel a little tortured and lost.

I cried on my friend's shoulder. He told me not to get deeply involved. He told me that I would end up feeling the way I feel, now. I shrugged off every word he said, because I enjoyed the moment…

I miss you
I miss you
I love you
I love you

Really and truly.
I will be okay, in time…sad for a while and then all will be well…
The writing helps.
Writing heals me and helps me feel what I am feeling, in words…
Otherwise, I feel all these emotions without words…and that, my friends, sucks…
and, blogging helps me release the emotion.

Beautiful Loser

Softly, I walk away

Gently, I tremble

Sadly, I say goodbye

I am a beautiful loser

Graceful, I slip away 

Into the dark night

This graceful beauty I carry

Is a loser's only friend

You say you love me

I say, I love you

You say I am amazing

I deserve the best

In the end, I lose

They all say the same story

The same line

They all will tell another

She is the best woman I know

She deserves the best that life offers

Softly, I walk away

Gently, I tremble

Sadly, I say goodbye

I am a beautiful loser

Graceful, I slip away

Into the dark night

When I love, I love

With the whole of my being

My soul intertwines with your soul

I always feel the end before it begins

I always know

Gracefully, I let you go

I wonder, when will I get what I deserve

Who will be brave enough to let me win

When will I be brave enough to let another win

This story does not end

This story does not begin

I am ever the beautiful loser