Music Feels Me

Music is my home.
The sound of music rippling all around my ears
I smile.
I feel the moment the music makes…
I feel love
I feel sadness
I feel the anger
and the happiness…
All the emotions of music live inside
Sweeping the corner and finding me
Finding my soul
Reflections and refractions of truth
Harsh realities spoken and music…oh, the music

I am kinda sad today
I am feeling the hurt again~of all the lost opportunities of love
I can say, all day long…I am seeking my forever..and my energy pushes away all the bullshit..
Well…is that bull shit?
I don't know how to be loved.
No one has ever expressed their love to me in a way that I am able to understand.
I know I am able to express my love~yet~I do not often express the emotion often

Abandoned love, from a father. My father. He did not know how to accept me. My parents separated before my birth and divorced by the time I was 3 months old. He was not in my life. The unfortunate thing…I saw the love my father had for my older brother. I saw the lack of emotion he carried, for me. Not only ''saw" it… I felt the lack, therein. I remember thinking in feelings…I didn't let it matter, because I did not know how to feel love for this man..this man who was sporadically involved in my life. This man who I was supposed to call Dad…and could not even form the words in my mind…I did not know how to say to him, "hey Dad"… Whenever I spoke of him, he was… My Real Dad… and that is how I thought of him. My Real Dad. The man who was responsible for my genetics. That was all.. I was empty on the inside, crippled emotionally…his love broken…

My mother abandoned me, emotionally when she married my step-father. He was a jealous man. She was afraid he would harm my brother and I if she showed us affection. At three years old and my mother abruptly ended all physical affection for my older brother and I.

I knew I was loved. I knew my love took second place. I did not feel important. I did not matter. I settled myself into this role. Into this way of being. I always took second place. Somehow, I justified the emotions. I never have felt important enough to be loved…and I have fallen into a pattern of taking the back seat.

So, how do I love? How do I accept Love in Love's fullest form… Tonight, I hugged my mom for the first time in years.. because the feeling came upon me and said to hug her… we both needed the hug…

And see.. all this "abandoned" love.. I do not feel sorry for myself.. this isn't a feel sorry for Dona Rant.. it is just what it is.. the way I feel..in this moment…I love my son…and I show him, always.. I love my friends.. and sometimes..I show them how I feel…sometimes..

I had a dream of my ex again.. and we were together.. which is unacceptable. I awoke kinda mad that I even entertained the idea of being with him, in a dream… We had just had sex…and he asked to borrow my car….I asked if he was going to go see a woman in my car…and he said.. don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to…and so, I asked him again…and he was honest with me..said yes.. I am going to see my wife… and I accepted it…because I am not important enough…

I want to be more than what was… because I am more than what was… so much more…
all of my past has conspired to create me to be an amazing woman.. I am amazing.. I am wonderful. I am worthy of love…love and loving…

I am looking forward to the amazing.. because lately I have surrounded myself with working relationships.. people who are together and making their lives work because of how much they love one another.. I want that kind of love…for me and for the one who loves me… a mutual affection…respect…desire… I need to be involved with someone amazing…and I will never abandon the love for my son for the love of another…my own childhood taught me this important lesson…

Empty Shell

I am an empty shell
Empty
Fill me with your beauty
That I might know how to be
I don't know how to be
Who am I, really?

I travel this world, whispering
There are truths to know
There is a way to be
And I am empty
Unfilled and devoid of living matter
Who am I, really?

I do not feel anything
For anyOne
I do not care about your life
I do not know your life
There is only mine
Who am I, really?

There is this face
I wear
Daily I put on the mask
Of care and consideration
Daily, I pretend
Who am I, really?

I would like to think
I care
I want to be considerate
Yet, there is nothing inside
Nothing inside me
Who am I, really?

I feel the tragic beauty
Filling me and my soul
All I can do is feel the wonder
The compassionate beauty and cry
I cry out!
Who am I, REALLY?

How is it I feel
All this amazing love
And not know how to express love
I don't know how to be
How am I a vessel for love
Who am I, really?

You don't understand
I scream
You really don't understand
This love pouring within my heart
Debilitates me
Who am I, really?

Wouldn't a pure vessel know
Wouldn't a pure soul realize
How to explain the light
How to be with the love
How to love other souls
Who am I, really?

I shake me head
I shake my heart and body
I feel, always
I always feel this pure love
This love shakes me
Who am I, really?

To know this pure love
To feel this pureness
How do I feel for anyone else
Trapped in this rapture
Confined
Who am I, really?

Help me
Before I burst
Help me teach others how to feel
This amazing love
So that I can learn to love
Who am I, really?

I am an Empty shell
Filled with light
Filled with love
Human
I am a Human
This is who I am, Really

Absent Lover

Heart tugging gently toward your heart
I feel your touch
Your absent caress
How is it I long for you
How is it, I miss you
I have never even met you

I ache for your touch
Your tender look
Passion and desire
I remember what you feel like
As I hold you close
I remember in a dream
A dream of you
Holding me
Holding you

I keep the memory of you
Deep within my soul
My heart is tugging toward you
How is it I miss you
When I have not even met you
How is it I long for you
When I have never even touched your lips

Kiss me deeply
My absent lover
Kiss me with passion
Hold me closely
Hold my hand
Remember me
Remember me
I ache for you
As you ache for me

Times caress connects our hearts
Times caress keeps us

Unlistened

Words…spoken…unheeded…ears closed…time and time again…
As the wind blows across the waters
My words blow from left ear to right ear
Lessons unlearned
Life un-lived
Truths told
How many breaths must I continue to express
How many tears must I cry for you
Away from you
You are not allowed to see the torment
Your ignorance causes
Find your personal power
Find your strength

Find your authenticity

There you will find my words

Blowing in the wind

Comforting and loving

Drying your tears

Until then, I cannot help you

I cannot support you

I turn my back to you

From you

Away from you

Words spoken

Unheeded

Ears Closed

Time and time again….

Destiny

Destiny weaves her humble threads

Speaking softly

Trembling fingers see in the dark

Music plays

The dream begins

Anchored in Reality

Accepting fate with faith

And Walking the narrow line

Between Dream and Reality

Stardust falls upon the chords

Sparkling lights gleam

The message, sent

The message, received

Her soul quickens

Breathless, as the energy fills 

She is intertwined within the tapestry

Belonging to someone else’s life

Ragged breath and Bloody knees

She surrenders to the inevitable. 

Venting

Sometime, the words I hear from the mouths of those I hold dear…amazes me. I have a great friend. I have known him since I was 19 years old. We dated for a while and I realized he was a total ASS, to women…I ended the relationship. Years later, we ran into one another again and began a lasting friendship. I told him, we could never be intimate yet I believe he could be a great friend. He has proven to be a wonderful friend to me…He is one of the first people I told about my disease and he has been wonderfully supportive!

What I want to vent about, is the way he is in his relationships and the things he says~~~~
He began seeing a woman several years ago. She is a nice woman, sometimes: when she isn't on crack…LOL, really. One of the issues in their relationship is his fidelity. He refuse to be faithful to her. Some folks get off on open relationships. This guy, wants to be able to sleep with whomever he wants and his girlfriend cannot. He also expects her to accept him the way he is…except he does all of his cheating behind a lie. He lies to her and says that he is not cheating. He has at least three other women dangling from a string at all times. He builds them up with words of love and the knocks the love down and then comes back in like a screwed up hero to caress their tears and feed on their insecurity.

I always call him out on this behavior. I always tell him to stop. Many women over the years have called me to ask for advice about staying involved with him. I never lie. I don't tell them blatantly that he is cheating. I do, however tell them that if they are not happy now, they will not be happy later. Do what makes you happy. Needless to say, this last girlfriend of his, broke his "heart". She was tired of all his BS…

So, he says to me…what is wrong with me…I have a job, I have a car, I have been tested and I am clean… I am a great catch.

I looked at him and said…No…you are not a good catch and are you trying to imply that I am not clean. Seriously. You are a dick. You treat women like shit. Why would any woman want to stay involved with a man who treats them like shit. I on the other hand am an amazing catch. I might have a disease…but, I am honest and loving and I don't treat people like shit. There are way too many folks out there being assholes…you want a good woman, start being honest and it might happen.

Last week, he told me that he had been "sleeping" with his neighbor and he called to see what she was doing and her reply was, I have been sick all morning, puking… His first thought was OH NO… she is pregnant because he has not used a condom with her. While he is telling me this story, I am fuming…so angry…MAD. I said STOP… Why are you not keeping your shit covered! You know what happened to me. You KNOW! Why are you not protecting yourself…and if you don't want kids…damn… PROTECT yourself and the woman you are sleeping with! Needless to say…she is not pregnant… just had the flu…Thank goodness!

Two days ago, he tells me that he has started talking to his ex again. Like I said, she is nice and she deserves someone to treat her well and with love. So I told him, You are not allowed to ever talk bad about her again and if you are going to be involved with her then you have to be faithful. Treat her right. Then he proceeds to tell me about another woman he met. I cut him off… and said, if you are going to start seeing your ex again, you are not allowed to tell me anything about any other woman, ever again. I am tired of this.

He thanked me, profusely. He even told me what I said was exactly what he needed to hear….

Why can't people treat people right. Why is he so good to me and when he is involved with someone, sexually…he turns into a complete and total ass….???? What is it with us… We are a screwed up race of people… I know…not all of us are like this…but, damn…I see so many people settling for toxic relationships… I cannot settle. I am still mad at him.

The Secret

I want to hear the secret hiding within the trees

The wind talks gently to the trees

I want to know the story of birth and creation

I want to know how deep you feel and how dark you will go

I want to hear the secret only the wind and trees know

They whisper one to the other and back again

While the branches bend and wave 

Back and forth, they go

Sometimes, I sit and listen 

Hours pass

Days go by

The minutes travel and seconds fly

I still do not know the secret of your heart

I still do not know the secret of my heart

Who is the keeper of the minutes of time

Who is the keeper of this heart of mine

Who is the lover I ache for, so dear

Who is the master of my soul

And when will I FEEL

My hands ache 

My fingers caress the rough bark

My ears ache

My ears listen to the the silent ringing within

The ghost of my past, passes by

The memory of what was and what could not be

The ghost of my present torments me

The phantom hiding around the corner 

My future hides from me

Into the abyss I go

Fallen into time

Fallen into the roots of the beginning

Tangled, they are tangled round my feet

My toes disappear

As my heart crumbles

Little pieces of my soul are shattered and sent forth

Little pieces of my life flashing in my mind

I see the dance of romance, coming

I see the truth of darkness turning

I see the light of love commence

I see the change happen

I see the roots digging deep within the soil

I see the soul become complete

Of all this I see and know

Time eludes me

Time does not friend me

Time will not tell me more than the pictures show

So, I cultivate the soil and water the roots

Fertilize my life with love and growth

Allow the light to glisten my soul

Allow the light to glow

I breathe with the wind and sway with the trees

All of time happens in time's season

Falling leaves upon the ground

Winter snow pouring down

Spring brings forth budding flowers

And Summer time brings sun-filled hours

All of time happens in Time's Season

Wait for it

Wait for it