A couple of Visual Meditations

I enjoy meditation and seeking the inner realms. One night during a meditation, this is what I saw.
01/02/13
I saw a woman upon a dais. Wearing sky satin blue with the symbol of a left-sided crescent moon and a circle, between them.. two arrows. One pointing up and the other pointing down. Very similar to the symbol I use in my artist signature. CXO…only her way feels right and my way was not correct, it was close but now I know my sigil.

She had a baby. She was Royal
Dark hair and green eyes. She wore the crescent moon upon her forehead-a band around her head.
She was lovely and graceful and loved the child. The dais was opulent and luxurious.

A lion gave me my sword, from his mouth came my protection.
the sword was placed upon my hands
The lion spoke to me-of my protection, of my courage and of my valor

I saw smoke rolling and fire behind me, I was short and seeing through the eyes of a child, saved-the only survivor by a man and a woman in a carriage
I was told that I have always been alone
never feeling as tho I belong
I have sought the sigil of protection many times, I am a seeker and a finder.
I always find what I seek.
Even tho I am alone, I am not really alone, not ever because I always find what I need. In this, I am protected.

this evening of the third morning of the fourth, I seek my sigil, my protection, the meaning.
01/04/13
As I begin, I lie before me Rock of Earth, Crystal as water, Candle as fire and incense as air. Manuscripts of sigils and symbols, pen, pencil, journal of the angels, a wand and selenite. Including my hand written journal. Around my neck is my male/female athame set. To begin the circle, I will use a thin knitted scarf, woven by me, connected.

Within the knitted circle
Sit I
Strings woven
Interwoven Connecting all of life.
Air around me
Stir Round and round
Create a circle fair
Create a circle wide
Protect my thoughts
Protect my dreams
That I might see
A sigil about me
A sigil of my ancestry
Protection
Grounding
Inner Sight
Let this sigil be seen
So mote it be.

I was a bit trepidations as I began my journey.
Flickering candlelight ans sandalwood incense, no music, only my breath and the ringing sound of silence with a higher octave of intention. I could see the flickering light behind closed eyes and almost felt the light was an interruption. I saw myself waking into a meadow where my large oak tree lived and was my Asian bald man monk. in an orange robe, smiling at me and bidding me welcome. I had trouble staying there. yet, he was guiding me. I don't remember the worlds. flickering light and Adele's song "Rolling in the deep" kept playing in my head, then I went deeper within the higher octave ringing and my mind connected with greater expanse. Everything turned to liquid. Here, I was still hiding onto fear. Spider was there, leading me to connect mind to heart to greeter expanse. My heart beat with anticipation and fear of letting go. Spider said, you are holding tightly onto your fear. and I said, I know. And I yelled out my desires of all that I wanted and that I wasn't. Spider told my to trust. I said I would trust. Spider said let go of your protection and I let go. As I lied upon my bed, I gave myself to spider to lead me into the dream. Candles out, closed eyes and I could see her web. I could see her and her womb was painted with stars. She said come and I followed her into the dream. You don't have to be afraid. Do not use fear as your protection for it will bind your.

There are a couple of visual meditations… I have more written down… There are some cool lessons within the visions… they have deep meaning for me. Basically how and  who I am is deeply interwoven in the visual meditations. Some may not fully "get" what I have written…and that is okay… The ones who will.. will.

The Dead Are Living In My Mind Tonight

Flashes of faces come and go

Memories like pictures fade

Until the moment they live again

The mind is awkward 

The mind is strong

A scent of perfume 

A lost love song

A simple scarf around a neck

A smile from one face to another

And I see you, alive again

I remember you

I remember the first moment our eyes connected

The way you walked in your heels

The dress you were wearing

So beautiful

My surprise, when you smiled at me

Your first hello

Flashes of you 

Flashes of you

You and I, friends 

We became friends that night

You are alive in my mind, tonight

Living and walking

Breathing and being

Your energy touching mine 

I feel

Tangible words do not exist

Because you smiled

And I smiled

We met and our lives collided 

There is unfinished business between us

You are dead and I am living

Your energy is calling

Your energy is a reminder

A beautiful reminder

My tears are for the loss 

Your awkward grace

Your misshapen hands

And tilted feet

I remember you

The Path Of Woman

The path of Woman 

And her way

Her being

Strength and beauty

Determination and Triumph

Where is her path

Where does life begin

Her Womb weeps tears

Blood red tears

Heart wrenching and Heart clenching

Breathe in peace

Breathe in hope

Breathe in Death

With Death we change

We grow

We become older 

Gracefully older

Wisdom weeps

Wisdom seeks

Wisdom engages

Love is in her hand

Her hand holds many hands

Those hands hold onto hearts

Those hearts remain open

Hear the song of woman

Hear her song 

She is peace

She is beauty

She is lovely

Dance with her dream

Around a fire

With drums 

We shall weep together

We shall weep together

We shall embrace one another

Embracing the Time

Embracing the World

Embracing the Soul

Hearts lifting up 

Hearts lifting up

yeah...

Mourning Love's loss

I am still in mourning.
I am a bit angry because of the feelings.
I am sad.
I am not an unhappy person.
I ache, on the inside
for what could have been
For what isn't.
For the memory,
The one that did not happen
Sometimes, you understand and you understand and you understand
And then you still understand…
Until the understanding feels like an excuse…
I always tell what I feel
I always say to folks, what it is….inside me
The "what is" always seems to backfire.
Then the time comes, when I cannot say what I feel anymore
Because what I feel…doesn't really matter
What I feel is of no consequence…
I heard today, you will find someone, Dona..
You are sooooo beautiful…you have to have lots of folks knocking down your door…
no…
no…no
I don't.
Either I get scared…or they get scared
Or the relationship is taboo… yeah…freaking taboo.
How do you stop the mourning
When the ones you want, you see…often…
A look and a smile… a quick glance… and look away…remembering…
I can't even be totally honest about the whole affair on here…
And I want to be…honest about it all…so bad…
How do I stop feeling the yearning, for what isn't?
How do I stop the feeling?
I really don't know.
I don't have the answers… and I don't want to salve the wound with someone new
unless, that is what I need to do…no
And then I get scared…cause I want to say…something simple.. Like, I really miss you…
yet, I feel stupid in the whole act of saying those words…
Would the words mean the same to me as to the recipients?
I am really getting to old for this, for these feelings…
I don't want to bury the emotions…
yet, I want to un-feel them… because I cannot see the fairness of my mourning when I do not know if I am being mourned in return….
how do I stop this mourning?
I cry… I write..
I cry…I draw..
I cry…I create wire-wrapped tree pendants
I cry…I create dream catchers

and there…is nothing else…except lots of laundry and kitty litter…and a kid to raise and jobs to go to…and a car to drive and dogs to feed…and this life I live…and care for…on my own…
maybe I am lucky.
till I look around and see so many people together making life work…and then there is me…I do make my life work…I am tired of doing it alone…and tired of being loved as only a friend…I need to whole fricken thing…and I think I have lost the ability to have a real relationship…I never had the ability to have a real relationship…
so, here…I hide
Cover my wounds with tears
Cover my wounds with duct tape, so no one will see…
duct tape…yeah, I said duct tape…the pretty pink camouflage kind

A Song Beginning

A song Beginning

I feel a song beginning

The birth of a new tune 

A melody rich in caresses

A heart deeply enriched in goodness

I feel a song beginning.

Connect me to your energetic waves

An unmanned radio station, waiting

An analog signal vibrating, silently

Waiting for the time

Waiting on the wire

Antenna's perked and ready

The signal long since…waiting

Hear me now

Oh roar in the night

Hear me, I hear you beginning

There is a note in the file

A fire in the bookcase

A song in the heart

A toy in the chest

A dog outside, wandering

And I can hear your song beginning

Words spoken, they don't matter to me

I feel the intensity 

I feel your analog dream

You are awake in my reality

Connect me to your energetic waves

An unmanned radio station, waiting

An analog signal vibrating, silently

Waiting for the time

Waiting on the wire. 

yeah…there is a song, beginning

So, sing it already...

Jewel Of The Night

Jewel of the night

She is lost and alone

Her heart is bare, open to the sky

Listening, she sings a song lingering in tune

Crying, she knows

She is alone

Her heart is empty

Her heart is empty

Her heart is empty

Goddess singing 

Heart reeling

Mother Earth listening

Father Sky enchanting

Raindrops dance upon the land

Laughter ripples, the grass grows

She turns round and round 

Hair spinning all around

Shaking her head to the sky

Shaking her head to the earth

Arms in the air

Fists rocking as the vibrations enrich to her tune

She feels the land

Feels the life

Hears the wind and feels the rain

The sun breathes upon her neck

The trees move

Dancing to her beat

Lightning flashes and Thunder roars

The land lights up and the clouds Grow more

She stomps her foot

She stomps her foot

Left then right then left again

She moves to the tune living in the land

Living in the sky

She is life eternal

She is a Jewel of the night

She is a jewel of the night

She reaches with heart and hands to the sky

Surrender

Surrender

She surrenders to truth

There, she curls within herself

And sleeps with the earth.

Music Feels Me

Music is my home.
The sound of music rippling all around my ears
I smile.
I feel the moment the music makes…
I feel love
I feel sadness
I feel the anger
and the happiness…
All the emotions of music live inside
Sweeping the corner and finding me
Finding my soul
Reflections and refractions of truth
Harsh realities spoken and music…oh, the music

I am kinda sad today
I am feeling the hurt again~of all the lost opportunities of love
I can say, all day long…I am seeking my forever..and my energy pushes away all the bullshit..
Well…is that bull shit?
I don't know how to be loved.
No one has ever expressed their love to me in a way that I am able to understand.
I know I am able to express my love~yet~I do not often express the emotion often

Abandoned love, from a father. My father. He did not know how to accept me. My parents separated before my birth and divorced by the time I was 3 months old. He was not in my life. The unfortunate thing…I saw the love my father had for my older brother. I saw the lack of emotion he carried, for me. Not only ''saw" it… I felt the lack, therein. I remember thinking in feelings…I didn't let it matter, because I did not know how to feel love for this man..this man who was sporadically involved in my life. This man who I was supposed to call Dad…and could not even form the words in my mind…I did not know how to say to him, "hey Dad"… Whenever I spoke of him, he was… My Real Dad… and that is how I thought of him. My Real Dad. The man who was responsible for my genetics. That was all.. I was empty on the inside, crippled emotionally…his love broken…

My mother abandoned me, emotionally when she married my step-father. He was a jealous man. She was afraid he would harm my brother and I if she showed us affection. At three years old and my mother abruptly ended all physical affection for my older brother and I.

I knew I was loved. I knew my love took second place. I did not feel important. I did not matter. I settled myself into this role. Into this way of being. I always took second place. Somehow, I justified the emotions. I never have felt important enough to be loved…and I have fallen into a pattern of taking the back seat.

So, how do I love? How do I accept Love in Love's fullest form… Tonight, I hugged my mom for the first time in years.. because the feeling came upon me and said to hug her… we both needed the hug…

And see.. all this "abandoned" love.. I do not feel sorry for myself.. this isn't a feel sorry for Dona Rant.. it is just what it is.. the way I feel..in this moment…I love my son…and I show him, always.. I love my friends.. and sometimes..I show them how I feel…sometimes..

I had a dream of my ex again.. and we were together.. which is unacceptable. I awoke kinda mad that I even entertained the idea of being with him, in a dream… We had just had sex…and he asked to borrow my car….I asked if he was going to go see a woman in my car…and he said.. don't ask questions you don't want to know the answer to…and so, I asked him again…and he was honest with me..said yes.. I am going to see my wife… and I accepted it…because I am not important enough…

I want to be more than what was… because I am more than what was… so much more…
all of my past has conspired to create me to be an amazing woman.. I am amazing.. I am wonderful. I am worthy of love…love and loving…

I am looking forward to the amazing.. because lately I have surrounded myself with working relationships.. people who are together and making their lives work because of how much they love one another.. I want that kind of love…for me and for the one who loves me… a mutual affection…respect…desire… I need to be involved with someone amazing…and I will never abandon the love for my son for the love of another…my own childhood taught me this important lesson…