Bleeding Beating Heart

I wear my heart on my sleeve.
Big heart, beating loud and hard and often quaking
I am not afraid to love, not anymore.
I am finding, others are still afraid.

Afraid of LOVE.

I am not afraid to get to know a person
Know their quirks and qualities
Touch their soul and taste their lips
I am not afraid to send out love energy
This does not mean I am in love
Love energy is about being open to the possibility
Who knows, Will I fall in love?
I don't know
Will you fall in love?
I don't know
Love energy is about possibilities
Getting to know one another
Without fault or fear
Yeah, I know
There are things in my life
Which are frightening
Life engaging
Life taking
and yet, I am Whole
I am a whole person
Who loves to give
Who wants to give
Who wants to be an integral part of another's life
And vice versa

Don't be afraid to give love energy
Let not selfishness take root and grow
Do not let fear keep you in protection's guise
You will not be protected

Yeah, I have this big bleeding beating heart
Bleeding out love energy

Beating out love energy
Exhausted heart
My heart is exhausted
Tired

Art and words by Me

Dona Lackey

Like a Rolling Stone

This amazing New Moon falls the person’s birthday, who changed my life.
Suprisingly enough, the New Moon is in Scorpio. Scorpio lies in my 6th house. The 6th house has to do with work, health and daily life.
The New Moon is about attracting what we want and powered with the solar eclipse ending old patterns and beginning anew!

Scorpio in the 6th house in health mode: I will be highly prone to blood born disease, i.e. STD. HIV
as depicted on http://dherbs.com/news/4455/4669/Disease-and-Your-Astrological-6th-House/d,ai.html#.VEnH8YdvmpU

Pretty sure I planned this before birth. I had to, otherwise I would not have learned all the amazing life lessons brought to me by STD/HIV.

Whoa! The things I have learned!
and I want to vomit the emotion I feel, in words covering the Earth!
The song, "Like a Rolling Stone" by Bob Dylan is playing, he is singing "How does it feel?"
Dude, this FEELS!!!

Last Sunday, I went to the Psychic Fair to enjoy the pretty stones, jewelry and an aura photo/mini reading!

My aura is large. Reds, oranges, yellows and greens dominate all around me. The Aura reader saw 2 "guides", my higher self and a spirit animal strongly supporting me. The report also included a Chakra Report which showed my Solar Plexus and Heart Chakras, LOW.  These areas are SEX and LOVE!
I am screwed!
OH! To the pattern!
Destruction!

Okay.
Yeah.
I acknowledge this.
I have been working on breaking the pattern.
Words
They are words until I put them in action.
The right kind of action.

What do I really want?
I want LOVE.
I want SEX
I want to love and be loved in return.
I want SEX
I want to look into the heart and soul of another and FEEL
I want to LOVE the person I am having SEX with
I want To FEEL the heart wrenching emotion belonging to souls working one with another.
I want to BE with someone who wants to Shake up the world!
To inspire and be inspired!

Funny thing is, look at that little section up there.
I have Love.
People love me and I love them
I look into hearts and souls while FEELING, daily
I experience heart wrenching emotion working on clients!
Now, how do I combine all I have with all I do not have?
Am I being selfish?
I want the personal experience.
Look into my heart, feel me
Look into my soul, feel me
Inspire me, inspiring you!!!

Shadow living is not healthy. I have lived in Truth's Shadow for years.
Afraid to want, knowing I will lose.
Afraid to ask, because vulnerability sucks.
I put myself out in vulnerable mode.
I am not afraid to be vulnerable.

Am I being authentically vulnerable?
Or, am I vulnerable for Shock Value?
Okay, yeah
I enjoy Shock VALUE.
No one expects ME to be THAT vulnerable.

I went on a date, a couple of weeks ago. Normally, I expose my vulnerability via conversation prior to a date. This time, I wanted to meet and feel the date without pre-conceived emotions. A blank slate.

Small talk and Dirty Martini's
Atmosphere
Darkly well dressed
Mutual attraction
A kiss
A smoke
Hand in Hand, walking
Eyes downcast
Sadness
Questions asked
Questions answered

I want to be wanted
For the woman I am
Know me,
The Woman.
I am a life waker
An Earth Shaker
Soul Mender
Ever mending

We have another date for Saturday night.
I don't know what is gonna happen and I am okay with opening myself in a new way.
I know what I want.
I know what I don't want.
This person is one I will enjoy knowing for as long as we know one another.

Back to the New Moon thing.
I am ending the pattern held for many years.
I am owning my authenticity.
I will pattern mySELF after the strength living in WOMAN!
I will continue to wake the world!!!
Whether I fall in love, soon or never.
I am Like a Rolling Stone.

To Heal or not to Heal....

To Heal or not to Heal....

healing hurts.
I know because I am in a constant state of healing.
Tonight, at the Full Moon Meditation, I focused on my healing.
I focused on my need to have such an amazing healing.

The entire room was swirling in a vortex of energy and I was not alone in the healing need. Everyone has a Healing need. Does healing become grander the more intense the disease? No. No. Not at all.

Healing is as Healing does.
To those who embrace Healing's humble grace, I salute you. Yes...I salute you.
From the Broken Hearted to those with illness and death....
You who embrace the pain and nurture Healing, SALUTE!!

The Full Moon Meditation was about healing. Holding hands, one hand to give and another to receive. The energy was beautiful and intense while we said Mantra's together and separate one to another.

We rose up with hearts lying bare to the energy living in the room, tears came to my eyes and sadness forming around my heart...I felt myself lift away as time became nothing.
I listened to the subtle shift in sound as vibrations changed....
Love
Compassion
Love
Compassion
Love 
Compassion

I have a NEED
We hear your NEED
Thank you, I am grateful .....

The words above, were not the words spoken....
The words above were intoned in the vibrations all around the room....

As I was leaving, a woman handed me her card...and on the back were the words...

Feel the powerful flow of source energy 
YOU calling the rest of you forward!

Yep... I feel it!!!
and to honor myself and my gut instinct...
I am looking directly at my pain.
I am looking directly at my disease....
Sitting still and feeling all the nuances belonging therein
I am healed....

The pain
The heartache
The trust
The sadness
The fear

I want physical proof
I need physical proof

So...until then, I will envision all I AM, as I AM......
there...... yeah.... there, I AM....

I Love You Too

Really,
I Love You, Too...

I have never liked hearing those words. Where are the REAL feelings?
I say, I Love YOU....and the response is a quick i love you, too...From family to friends and even lovers... I Love You, too...

I remember hearing I Love You, from an ex... he looked at me deeply and said, "I Love You"... I returned the depth while looking in his eyes... I said, "I Love YOU."

Whoa... right then, I realized my words impact.. He smiled and said, " I like how you said that." Our hearts connected. I touched him in a way he had never been touched before. His response to my words invoked awareness. I want to hear someone say words to me with the same impact and I want to speak with meaning! I Love YOU.


Do people realize the importance words have on our lives? To every part of life, there is a word. Words breathe and create life. The intent behind the spoken word is the difference between a curse and well-being. I speak and FIRE pours from my heart.

The Ex and I are no longer a part of one another's lives and still the echoed words remain.
He knows. I know.

Speak from your heart and let your words breathe fire. Do not say words without meaning, there is no life in meaningless words.

Today, I feel bereft.
I am not in the mood for meaningless words.

Today, I seek truth.
I seek fire in words.
I seek REAL WORDS.

Hurt me, make me FEEL!!
I want the heart to speak
Life to form
Words backed by feeling
Words backed by truth

In this moment, I have tears in my eyes.
Real Tears.

I have no words to speak out loud
My heart is breathing fire
My soul is a tidal wave
My words will thrill you
Enchant you
and Make you FEEL

I need to hear words from another...
Words breathing fire
From a soul riding a tidal wave
Thrill me
Enchant me
Make me FEEL

Right now, in this moment...
I need to FEEL.

Remember this. The next time someone says, I Love You. ...
Respond with, I Love YOU...
forget the "too"....

Today's Vision

I am emotional. 

I wonder, where is my person?

I reached out to the Light and asked.

I saw a most beautiful female, filled with radiant power mixed with compassion

She held her left hand to her midriff pointing down and her right hand above her head trickling light and comfort down to me…

This light and comfort fell upon my head and infused my core being. 

I watched my heart being squeezed and scrubbed. 

Cleansed and the old blood forced out to make room for the new. 

I watched the light go through me and scrub where I am dark

Clean where I am fearful….

I asked again, why am I alone? Where is MY love?

She showed me a line of people who love me. 

People whose lives I have touched and been an amazing part of…

They all love me and I love them. 

The line was endless before me and beyond me. 

I looked within myself, and considered love…

I don’t know…and that is all, I do not know.

I need the sunrise and the sunset. 

The tender touch and the iron fist

I looked to her again and asked,

What did I ask for, in this life?

Did I ask for this?

To be a healer .. to be alone? 

To love so many and be loved in return without having a connection?

and then, my client came out of my massage room and said to me. 

My mom is dying of cancer and her time is close. 

I needed this, today

This is nice, to receive and not have to give…

You have to be receiving from someone to be able to give so much…

Tears fell from my eyes. I am still crying.

I do not know how to be any other way. 

I am compassionate

I give

I give

I give

I feel good about all I am 

the answer, is no… I do not receive very often. 

My source is the Highest source.. I go to the Light. 

I go to my inner realm, to the place where time does not exist

and there, I seek my help. 

There, I seek my soul…

I seek guidance and healing with the source of all connections

and there…in the inner realm, I am connected. 

The Bad Rim Job

Yesterday morning, I awoke to a flat tire.

This is the beginning of the bad rim job story.
This is the beginning of the lesson belonging to my mother's role in my life.

Yes, I have been struggling with accepting her affection; her love..I don't know how to accept those emotions, from her or from anyone, really...and now, I am learning...Acceptance has always been there, my perception to how I accept affection has been tainted. This Bad Rim Job is showing me how I am able to change MY perception to MY acceptance of affection.

My mom sent me a text message to tell me my the left back tire on my car, was flat. My response, "OK, Fuck!"
I was hoping she was wrong. Yeah, She was not wrong. I looked out the window and sure enough, my back left tire was flat. I made a little coffee and a little breakfast, sat down to eat and asked my mom to help me change the tire so I could take the tire up and get it fixed a a local tire shop.

Here is where my perception is screwed. I didn't ask to borrow her truck. I automatically assumed she would let me use her truck. She immediately put on warmer clothes to help me with the tire changing. No questions, not grumpiness... she simply helped me, because I asked. I accepted her help, easily. Am I able to accept her affection, just as easily...why have I made this sooooo difficult?

With teamwork, we were able to get the tire off of the car. I rolled the tire to her truck and threw it in the back. She gave me her keys and away I went.
No questions. I accepted her keys. I accepted her truck. This is easy. Accepting the physical parts of life. The reality is, even though I do not feel like I take advantage of situations, I do take advantage of her love for me. I expect her love to be there even when I do not accept her affection.

My childhood is not blurry. I did receive a limited amount of affection. The crazy thing, is...there was also a limited amount of physical items. Why do I make receiving the physical aspects of life easy, when the emotional is more fulfilling. Have I become superficial? I don't believe so, but... I have made affection's reception, superficial.

So, here I am. Driving my mom's pick up truck to the tire shop. The tire guy says, "sorry, this tire is not fixable, but I do have a used tire I can sell you, for $40." I smile and nod in agreement. Sigh with relief and go sit in the truck to wait...Five minutes later, the tire guy comes to the truck window and lets me know that he cannot fix the tire due to the rim. The rim is bent and a tire will not seal on a bent rim. He gives me the information to purchase a new/used rim or to have my rim fixed. the cost is between $110-$125... I cried. lots of tears. Frustrated. Extremely frustrated. I have so much faith in how the Universe provides and then something new comes along and BAM... I cry, because I get tired of the trouble. I am tired of money problems. I am tired of working so hard and spending money on car repair. Meanwhile, my mom texted to find out how everything was going and I let her know. I didn't mention to her that the rim had to be purchased at another location and upon arrival at home, she was ready to come out and help put the tire back on my car.

Here, once again...she was prepared to help me. I stormed passed her, went to my bedroom and began making calls to places for a new/used rim and to a place to repair my bad rim. I decided to go with the business that straightens bent rims. I went out to the kitchen and told my mom what was going on and that I needed to drive to Blue Springs to drop the rim off and then I would head on to work. I, of course was crying and fuming at my lack of luck and she said, "Dona, calm down."... really. Seriously. Do not tell me to calm down. I proceeded to let her know that I was not yelling at her, my tears are a response to my anger and stress at the situation and I needed to feel this emotion, to get passed the emotion.

Here, once again is where my perception is screwed. Why is the response to anger and frustration or stress easier to accept than affection or love? I am able to deal with all the other emotions in my life and yet, I choose to bypass love and affection. Writing this, is beginning to change how I perceive affection. Awareness is the beginning. The Bad Rim Job is teaching me one heck of a lesson. Okay, so I am crying, real tears...

Back to the Rim. I dropped it off and went to work, finished work and drove home. My Rim was supposed to be ready this morning. I called work to let them know I would be late. I intended on picking up the rim and  taking it back to the tire place and having that used tire mounted and going home to put the tire on the car and head into work. Seemed simple enough, until I called the Rim place. I was told my Rim was not only bent, but cracked and they would have to order in another rim. The new rim will not be in until sometime this afternoon.

I cried a few tears and considered how lucky I really am. I could have had a blow out or the rim could  have broken while I was driving and none of this happened. I am safe. My son is safe. My life is intact. So, I have to get a new rim and a new/used tire. Learn a lesson about affection/love and how my perception has been screwed. I am able to sigh with real relief. I am thankful for all the good things happening in my life. I am thankful for the Bad Rim Job.

Next, I will actually accept the affection/love which has always been there...by altering my perception.

And, hopefully....my tire will be all good by at least tomorrow. 

The Vagina Voice

Woman tho I am,
Feel me sing
Listen to me dream
Woman tho I am.

What is the vagina voice?
I am a woman.
I have a voice with a dream
I have a need with a purpose
I have a desperation with an exact intent
What does my voice say?
What did my voice do?
My vagina has needs
Not all are sexual needs
My love connects from my vagina to my heart
When I breastfed my son, I felt a pleasure inside my vagina.  Not a sexual pleasure, a satisfied pleasure. Something right was happening. The pleasure traveled up to my heart and warmth poured out as I embraced my nursing child.  This love is a deep love, a fulfilling pleasure.  How often do we grasp for this love, this pleasure and we are not sated. We close or heart to the pleasure of love and the voice.  We accept the in-adequate feeling convincing ourselves THIS is acceptable.  THIS is what I get.  THIS is what I deserve. 
We do not speak with our vagina voice.  We don't say, "I need to feel"..." I need more "... 
I want to feel you touch my heart while you touch my vagina.  Touch my mind, soul and physical body all at the same time. 
Speak from your vagina.  Speak from your intuition and your pleasure center, feel your heart sing out from your vagina.

LOVE and Live with pleasure... 

5/20/13