Vampire Days

Some days it don't come easy, and some days it don't come hard Some days it don't come at all, and these are the days that never end Some nights you're breathing fire, and some nights you're carved in ice Some nights you're like nothing I've ever seen before or will again... Meatloaf (I would do anything for love)

Yeah... today was a vampire day... Lab Work, Blood Draw...No biggee.... except, it is a big deal..In two weeks, I will find out if my medicene is still working. This is such a strange feeling. Really strange...Memories of the realness of the virus creep up and invade the mind.Memories of the past...The Memories suck...Reality hits you smack dab into the gut and then the back pains start...from anxiety of actually going and having the blood taken...I even had trouble sleeping last night... argh...So, I went in this afternoon...knowing that sometimes, it takes a while to get into the room for the vampire to begin sucking..

I had to wait almost an hour and a half... I am not a good sitter...but, this ID Doc is wonderful and extremely popular... The funny thing, is...that once the process has started and is done...I relax...my back quits hurting..The unfortunate part is...in two weeks, I will have the same pains and anxiety all over again. For the lab results...

Some days I pray for silence
Some days I pray for soul
And some days I just pray to the gods of sex and drums and rock and roll (Meatloaf again)

Every time I visit my Doc... I begin to have a sense of pride...I am capable...I am doing well... I am handling my life to the best of my ability.

Look at me...I am HIV +
I am beautiful
I am smart
and sensitive
and amazing
There is nothing out there that I cannot accomplish...if I set my mind to it...

I like me... I like being who I am...
There is magic in being comfortable in your own skin...and I am one magical lady!!!
So, bring on those Vampire days...suck me dry and tell me my numbers...cause numbers do not lie!!!
I will update this, in two weeks with my results!!!

Copays

I have a new insurance. My copay for my HIV meds went from $30 to $200 a month. Fortunatly, I have the Atripla Copay Card and the drug company pays my copay! So, I figured all was well...until I received a letter in the mail, from my new insurance company...stating that I had to use their mail-order pharmacy... So, once again..thinking alright...I prefer my neighborhood pharmacy...the main reason, is....I work there...and the other, I like knowing where my meds are coming from...and knowing the people filling my prescriptions... I called the Insurance company to give them the secondary insurance information and was informed that they were unable to process the copay card...and I would be required to pay for the meds upfront and then request remimbursement from the copay card...I was angry...said a few choice words... to which they replied...APPEAL... I was given fax number and address for which I would need to send a letter of appeal~So that I could continue using my pharmacy. Prior to calling, I called the Copay Card place to find out the actual process so I could include it in the letter of Appeal. The Process, would be pay for meds... call copay card place... wait 7-10 days to recieve a reimbursment card... Fill out the card... mail it in... wait 4-6 weeks for the check, upon approval... Big freaking Hassle... so, I wrote the letter...and faxed it to the insurance company...and within 10 minutes, the Appeal office called me for more info...and 20 minutes after that, I was approved to continue using my pharmacy!!! And, I found out that I shouln't have been make to go through all of this, that the Mail-in pharmacy (medco) should have authorized this, in house... I am so happy that I called and stated my needs!!! People do listen!!! Don't be afraid to voice your needs... Voice them with confidence and facts... leave the whining to the wine... LOL

The Letter

Below is the letter/email I wrote to the first NEG man I disclosed to. The Letter Have you ever seen the mist? The cool morning mist as it rises above a pond and clings to the meadow; wafting over the road. The mist is a dream and nothing seems real. So many times, I have wanted to disappear into the mist. To live as if my life was not real. Subtle movements as in a dream and I escape my reality. Life appears easier in the mist, soft and cool currents of movement swirling around causing me to disappear in its depth. Yet, reality gripes at the edge of my sanity. My sanity and my life walk a narrow path down a deeply wooded road. I don’t have all the answers, all I know is that my road is uncertain and sometimes I am afraid.  The first time I remember noticing the mist, I was a little girl. Probably around 3 years old. The fog scared some and I ached in the anticipation of what could not be seen and I felt the thrill of taking the chance and going forward into the unknown. Yes, I was afraid and at the same time I was ready for whatever came my way. Years would go by and I still love the foggy mist. I remember being excited in the morning waking to the foggy day. The morning became thrilling and exhilarating. Waking at the crack of dawn and whistling for the dogs and horses to come for their morning feed, I learned to be still and listen for their footprints to sound from around the mountain and the dogs playing and jumping around; each excited at the newness the day brought. Later riding the bus to school I remember feeling myself mentally disappear into the mist and feeling solace there.  The last few weeks in knowing you and spending time; whether physically, mentally or on the phone; I have been spending allot of time in the mist. Thank you, this has been nice. Real but not real. Feels good to feel this way again. I have been moving forward with caution, afraid yet ready for whatever outcome happens out of you hearing my story. I have already mentioned to you that I wanted to move slowly and that I did not want to proceed to deepening our intimacy until you heard my story. I have had a major trust issue and my choice was taken from me. My heart has been hurt in such a way that I cannot explain the hurt. I can only feel the depth of the pain that lives in me and in those who also know my story.  I have a disease that came from loving a man who cheated both of us of so much time, I am HIV+. I know my lineage. I know how it happened. It isn’t fair. It isn’t right. I don’t like it. My life has been forever changed. I didn’t choose this, yet from having the disease, I have learned so much. I started medication in July and now my levels are wonderful. I am undetectable and healthy. I would like to tell you the whole story. My story is morbid and beautiful, lovely and dreadful. One day, I plan to stand in front of large crowds and teach awareness and tell my story. I want to inspire and change people by teaching about love and forgiveness.  I could not continue to let you feel what you feel for me without knowing the truth. What you decide is your choice and if I am in your path whether friend or other; now you know. And I am standing out in the open. Out of the mist.    Don't be afraid of me. Don't be afraid for me. Just know that I will be okay, no matter the outcome; in all aspects of my life.    I am strength and determination...Love and life...even when facing my death... Damn that comedy/tragedy. Fucking sucks...Really...

She is Woman

She is time
She is the movement of creation
She is the eternal moment
When day met night and life stood still
She is the light of the sky
The light of the night
She is the moon
She is the sun
She is mother
She is daughter
She is sister
She is all that is woman
Hear her message
Hear her truth
Hear the voice speaking
Is it in your ear
Is it in your mind
Is it in your heart
No
Her voice speaks to your soul
She is the eternal mother
The infinite lover
The beauty of wisdom
She is you....
She is your passion
She is your beauty
She is your divine essence
She is woman
She is divine
Who is she, to you?

Wishes

Questions

One of my friends is beginning a website about HIV and has asked me to share my blogs, pics and artwork...along with, she is asking a couple of questions to all who are sharing on her website...
1) What has living with HIV taught you?
Living with HIV... Well, it is better than dying with HIV... I am still the same person I ever was. Smarter, in a sense because I am more cautious with what or who I allow in my life. Not for fear, but for my State of Mind. I have learned more about my self-worth and I understand my value.

Just the other night, I was over at a cousins house. She has known my status since the beginning, as have her entire household. The kids and her husband...They have never treated me different and the kids have been inquisitive, in a good way...

I was sharing, with my cousin about some HIV POZ folks who only date other HIV POZ folks...and she immmediatly stated that those POZ folks who did that were doing the right thing...

That did not sit well with me...am I not allowed to pursue a person I want to be with? Despite how she still loves me, she is not supportive of POZ folks dating NEG folks... and it boils down to education. She even went so far as to ask me if the NEG men who are interested in me, are actually POZ...because in her mind, she cannot fathom how anyone NEG could even desire to be sexual with a POZ...
It boils down to protection. Anyone can get this. Even if two supposedly NEGative people are having sex...when one goes and has unprotected sex with a stranger...and then returns to the relationship...there is a chance of contracting HIV... Me having HIV and knowing, is Knowledge. By knowledge and education, I will do everying in my power to ensure that no one contracts this from me...I am still a person. I am still the same person that I ever was and no one, has the right to take that from me... I have the right to pursue happiness...and if happiness happens to be with a NEG or POZ...then so be it...My choice...their choice...and our lives...

~and~ even POZ to POZ sex has danger...one POZ person can give another POZ person a new strain of the virus...so, the answer does not lie in POZ to POZ, rather LOVE to LOVE...
I choose love...always...


2) If you could change one thing in our fight for HIV what would it be?
I would change the education at the public/private schools. So many people think OMG, how can you teach children about this disease and sex...well, heck...most schools begin the puberty class in the 4th grade...and the sex class in the 5th grade...by then, kids are wanting to experiment... we are sexual beings...we put things in places because it feels good and we touch things because it cause a tremble of excitment... and then we want to do it again and again. We can teach kids about protection, all day...and the risk of disease...the risk of pregnancy...and still, kids will do what kids do...they will experiment...and think about it...most of us reading this have children.. Most children happen from unprotected sex...or a broken condom...look around at the kids...change them to and STD and double that...all it takes is one person coupling with another person to spread a disease...or create a child...Look at all the children...and then consider the risk of disease...consider the risk you have put in your life, all for a cheap thrill...all because you don't like to use a condom...
Education is the key to survival...and we need to educate in an extreme and real way...because life is extreme...Life is real...
and, nothing...sugarcoats HIV...Nothing

Knight in Shining Armor

When I was a little girl, I asked my mother "what shall I be? Shall I be pretty, shall I be rich?" and this is what she said to me... Que sera sera what will be will be, the future is not yours to see que sera sera....

The song put a frame around me and caused me to realize that the future was mine... What will be will be... By my design...

My grandma bought me and all the little kids a couple of fairy tale books and nursery rhyme books... I loved my books... Daily, I read the stories wondering about the Princess's and the knights who came to their rescue... I believe in love and the beauty of love yet, I never have wanted to be weak. I have pushed so many men out of my life because of the fear of love and the fear of relationships ending. How do I find that place where my fairy tale dreams come true?
I never expect anyone to like me. When I am liked, I think it's cool and at the same time.. I expect people to not like me... Sometimes I don't feel like a real person. I am like Pinnochio... A doll who aches to be real... I'm a nobody with the face of a somebody...

Perhaps I need saving, from myself so that I don't disappear. Is there a knight out there?